[mom2GRLC]

We came up with a plan for this year of how often we will be in contact and in what ways....with my daughters birthmom.

But with everything that has happened in the last year I'm finding it hard to find the words for this first letter that is supposed to go out to her by next week.

I'm afraid to become so emotionally involved like i was this last year....I'm Tired....of sharing so much of myself with her and not getting much back in return.

I'm realizing how much I put her on a pedestal...and made her out to be this saint...in my mind...where she could do no wrong and then being constantly dissapointed and frustrated when she wouldn't respond by opening up and sharing herself and feelings with me...when I was so open with her.

I realize how different our lives are, our personalities are, our beliefs, our...well everything. This last time we visited with her we had lots of time together and barely spoke at all....there was nothing to say that hadn't already been said or asked....and either ignored or that she refused to share.

So now as I sit to write this letter....I feel just as i did as I sat with her in person....just BLANK.

In some ways i think it's good for me....considering the emnotional turmoil I went through last year......that i have finally seperated myself from the EXTREME compassion/EXTREME dissapointment and anger, i felt for her birthmom. But, now I fear I am stuck in the middle....not feeling anything at all. Realizing I really don't know much about her and what i do know is completely different than who I am or how I feel.

Have any of you been here? What should i put in this letter? How should I write this letter???

I figure i should just be very positive and share some of the things we have done in the last couple weeks with our daughter. (I even find that difficult to do????)

Should I even comment to her on how this last visit went....for everyone? Should i share any of my feelings with her? If so how do I approach it without setting this year up for a disaster.

ps. she made a comment on her last letter to MY daughter that really hit a nerve with me(I feel she directed it towards me....questioning my integrity/honesty).....should I speak up...or just let it go? Even if i brought it up...she would likely refuse to talk about it...or share why she said what she said. Should I start this New Year with a fight(probably not) would it do any good(probably not)

What would you do?

[mom2GRLC]

don't get me wrong....I still love and respect her so much and I proud of her for how she has tried to change her life around. It warms my heart to see her smile and her eyes tear up as she sees my little girl again. I just feel like my little girl is the only thing really connecting us right now. I want more of a relationship with her...but I feel like I've just been constantly pushed away this last year and rejected....it's hard to bounce back from that.

I feel like i can't share any of my feelings with her about anything good or bad.... because i feel like it doesn't even matter to her...she doesn't care. I feel like all she wants is to see her and have her back...or at least time alone with her(which isn't going to happen)...we are a package deal.

well...I'll shut up now and see if any of you have any advice for me...i could really use it.

[Southernroots]

Have any of you been here? What should i put in this letter? How should I write this letter???

Haven't been there, but, I think you should just write the letter as you would write to anyone sharing your child's life. Talk about the funny things your child did, etc.

Sounds like you have all these pre-conceived expectations, wanting to develop a warm and loving relationship with her - and that maybe isn't what she wants or is capable of giving. Can you accept her for who she is and what she is able to give you? And let go of those expectations?

Why are you a package deal? Is there a safety issue to prevent allowing her time alone with your/her daughter? You get the pleasure of the child's company 99% of the time, is allowing her some alone time too much to ask?

Think before you say anything, what purpose will it serve? Should you start the year with a fight? No, definitely not. Is there no way the two of you can reasonably talk? If not, could you go to a mediator or counselor?

she made a comment on her last letter to MY daughter

"MY" daughter - sounds so possesive, are you unsure that she is your daughter? Is she only "YOUR daughter? Can you cut her birth mother some slack and not be threatened or upset by her comments? Talk to her about it if you must, but, really, can't you just let it go? Keep remembering, you have ALL the power, she has none so, can't you just be understanding and not need to challenge everything?

You have the child - you have legal custody - possession - she calls you mommy - can't you just lighten up, show some compassion for her birth mother and not make this a contest? Find an adoption counselor who can help you get things on track - you have so many years ahead of you - don't wait - for your daughter's sake.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

I'm realizing how much I put her on a pedestal...and made her out to be this saint...in my mind...where she could do no wrong and then being constantly dissapointed and frustrated when she wouldn't respond by opening up and sharing herself and feelings with me...when I was so open with her.

Elevating someone is always a recipe for disaster. The bottom line is that she is not who you want her to be. She is not warm and fuzzy and has a hard time communicating.Can you accept her for who she is?

Put yourself in her shoes. You are doing what she is unable to do. You have it all in her mind.... the stable life, her daughter. Now you want more from her than she is able to give.

[/quote]
Should I even comment to her on how this last visit went....for everyone? Should i share any of my feelings with her? [/quote]

I think it is really important to realize that what may have been a hard visit for you, it was most likely hard for her, but in an entirely different way. You've written a lot about what you want from her emotionally.... to be open with you, etc., but visits are very difficult for birthparents. Seeing someone else as "Mommy" to their child. Knowing that you may say the wrong thing and be cut off. You have all the power in the relationship and it really does make a difference in how open a birthparent feels, especially at the beginning of a relationship. You've talked about not knowing if you can trust her. This goes both ways. She may be very afraid that you are going to cut her off, and given the things you've said in this post and others, I can certainly understand her fear. You have your doubts and I am sure she is picking up on this.


[/quote]ps. she made a comment on her last letter to MY daughter that really hit a nerve with me(I feel she directed it towards me....questioning my integrity/honesty)....[/quote]

Depends on what it was.......

[kllee4]

mom2GRLC,

I can understand your frustration with writing the letter as this is more than likely common (I've heard it more than once here). I guess I just question if your expectations of her are actually realistic. Was your relationship open and all bubbly before? If so, maybe that was because she needed to share and find out information to make an informed decision about choosing you. And remember, she DID choose YOU!!!

I can't quite put my finger on it, but there are places within your post that seem very possessive and also very insecure. She was your daughter's first mom and deserves a level of openness. Maybe she feels your awkwardness or maybe she feels you silently judging her. I can't say for sure but by freely giving of yourself unconditionally and in a nonjudgmental way, may lead the way for her to be open to explore more of her emotions. She's probably going through a lot and seeing her/your daughter may freshly open up wounds that are still fresh and raw.

My advice would be to give her a break. Seriously. I know you want the best for your daughter but this is hard on her birthmother, too. Take some time to think about what you love about your daughter and the type of mother you want to be. I would also include some of the fears you may have. This may show her that you're struggling, too, on some level with your relationship. Ask her opinion of what she needs and wants. Maybe she WOULD like some alone time and if she wouldn't be a danger to the child, then what could it hurt - it might even help (you would be showing her that she is trusted, as she rightlyfully should be after choosing you to parent her child).

Hang in there. I can't imagine how tough this is for all of you but I am sure that you will find some common ground.

[AMW1]

This post reminds me of the first few months after we first adopted. My childs birth mom and I had a few rocky moments too in the beginning. It is like any relationship, it takes time to develop trust. Some misunderstandings resulted from both of us not being sure where we stood with the other. We had many a conversation, some warm , some heated as we got to know one another. Our pledge to each other was , no matter how hard that process was, we were committed to an open adoption no matter what, for 'OUR' daughters benefit.

Making this pledge to one another gave us freedom to express our selves without the fear of the adoption being closed. It took me awile to understand that I actually did hold all the power, and that I needed to reasure our childs birthmom that she would always be included. Sometimes when I forget to do this, I will notice she will alternately become "clingy " or "withdrawn" as a result of insecurity. As soon as I reasure her, it is amazing how she will open up to me. I love her dearly and she has become like family to us. We are even comfotable now with more openess than we had originally thought we would have.

Maybe could you write her a letter saying you would like to really to get down to the bottom of all the communication problems? You may both have to be prepared to have your feelings hurt a little in the process, but if you could start to understand each other better, it would be SO worth it.

[Poolside]

I have been there, and feel your pain. I decided (only recently) to approach my relationship (or communication) with DD's birthmother from my daughters perspective.

When I write to her, I envision that she saves my letters and someday DD will read them. I make them 100% about DD. No me, my feelings, DH, her, or her feelings, I simply write about all the wonderful things DD has experienced in a given time. It makes it easy to journal and takes the emotion out of it. In the end, I have nothing in common with her. It' s a mistake to try to build a relationship that is mutually fulfilling if you are both so different. Hang in there.

It sounds like she wrote back to you and or to your daughter in an upsetting way? Is you daughter old enough to read and interpret her letters? I guess you could turn it into a discussion topic and review. If she is old enough, she can write back in her own words if she takes issue with the content. If she isn't.. don't worry about it. By the time she is old enough you will have years of parenting her under your belt and you'll handle it appropriately.

[niandca]

I tried to reason w/bmom w/advice from this forum 4 years ago re: approriate letter content for child. Didn't work...she completely ignores that we exist. Like dd is away at summer camp.

I took her cue & write very breezy newletter type letter like the ones I send out at Christmas to extended family & friends. No details at all. She's "doing well" at school, loves to help in the kitchen, going to tap class, waiting for the water park to open....etc. I type one page. If I just cannot fill the page, I start inserting pics or enlarging the font.
I used to think she was just pushing my buttons but now I'm thinking she is only taking care of her own feelings...which is why her child was in foster care to begin with. So....she is not my responsiblity. She does not want to be my responsiblity either. I let her know dd is OK without the details...if it isn't enough, she has not said. Her letters are stored in lovely trunk in the attic.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

In nearly all the correspondence I have had with both Bug and Bear's birth family I have always written from THEIR perspective. It makes it a little easier because as a child, they are not in tune with all your inner feelings and anxiety and it kind of levels the field by focusing on the child and not feeling like you have to open yourself up so much.

For example, I would say "hello mom, you will never guess what I have been up to. We went out to this really cool tree farm adn got to cut one down. Then my silly mom and dad put it up inside our house. My sister's helped put all sorts of pretty looking things all over it. I like the pretty things because they glitter. I also like the lights because they are all kinds of pretty colors. I also went to visit a man in a big red suit. I was not even scared of him..."

Anyway, you get the idea. I could go on and on describing just Christmas. But if it has been months, you can concentrate on either one event, or potentially make several pages from different things that have happened in your lives. I always found it easier because we did foster/adopt and because of safety reasons did not reveal many personal details. Not only that, but Bear's bmom was teetering between chosing another couple (after he had been placed in our home...after all,it was her right) but at the first visit, I included a weekly report of what he had been up to from his perspective. She realized how much I really cared, and she darn near TORE into the diaper bag each week after that.

Just an idea. I would have a problem opening up to someone who could not reciprocate.

[mom2GRLC]

Thanks for all the advice/comments

I really shouldn't try and write at night....my emotions just all come out at once. Our relationship really isn't that bad. I am so happy to have her in my daughters life. Even if she never ever wrote or spoke to me again I would still write her a big long letter every year and send a bunch of pictures. That's how much i truly do love her and have compassion for her and want her to know the door is always open between the two of them.

Our circumstances were so much more complicated than a potential birthmom choosing to place her baby for adoption and picking the family for her child.

Our little girl was with us for a year and a half in fostercare. It was looking like termination would happen at the 1 year court date but she suddenly got a job and a place to live and the court gave her 3 more months. At the next court the judge was satisfied with how things were improving and continued for re-unification for the next 3 months but also set a termination date for 6 months from then. So basically she had to keep things going well for the next 3 months and she would possibly get her back, if not her rights would be terminated at the following court. She was just about to have another baby and the judge was concerned that she would not be able to keep things together. Well, even though there were several safety issues and other concerns DHS had their mind set for her to be returned back home at the next court hearing(1 1/2 years in fostercare) so they could close the case. so they started doing not only the court ordered day visit but also started to do the weekend visits.

Well, I was told this little girl would be leaving after court on monday when we had the staffing the friday before. It had been hard to accept...especially with the safety concerns but I did accept it and was truly happy for her birthmom that she would be re-united with her daughter. I had my daughter go through her room and pack her clothes and toys and a bunch of pictures and everything we had...then i put in in my van and decided to wait until after court to give it to her(which now I'm sooo glad i did) and then my little girl went to her house that weekend for her weekend visit.

Well, court was monday morning so her birthmom droped her off at school that morning like she was supposed to...I was going to pick her up after court that day and bring her to DHS with all her stuff.

Wel, to my suprise and comlete shock and they did a suprise drug test and she came back positive. SHE HAD USED DRUGS THAT WEEKEND WITH MY DAUGHTER THERE. She completely blew it. I was so furious with her. Not only for her getting back into drugs(which I had assumed was the case about a month before court(as things started to fall apart and there were safety concerns and other concern)...but DHS didn't seem to care about that at the time....but now....right before court she chooses to do drugs and loose all she had worked so hard for.

I was so furious for what she put my daughter through....what she put our whole family through as we prepared to hand over this precious little girl we had loved and cared for for the last year and a half as our own....with belief that she would probably become adoptable. That introduced so much confusion for her...about who her mom and dad were and where her home was...when before that...all she knew was us.

She lied to the judge and said the test was wrong and that she knew she was clean. The judge ordered her to go leave and take another drug test(higher quality i guess) and orderd that we all come back to court in a week. Well, we got a call right before the next court that both the re-tests came back positive as well and that she had signed over her rights so they wouldn't take her new baby into custody as well. They were already going to terminate her rights and she didn't want to loose both children. She has said on several ocassions that this is not what she wanted for her daughter. She wanted both her daughters to be with her and she would have never consented to the adoption if she didn't have to...but knew that if she didn't she would loose both girls and she couldn't bear loosing both her children.

Well, All the anger left and I was left with so much love and compassion for her.

This last year has been spent practically consuming my whole life with thoughts of her.

Feeling guilty for being blessed with the joy of raising my sweet little girl....when her loving birthmother must suffer that loss....not my fault but my heart hurts so badly for her.

Feeling So much love and compassion yet still so much anger and frustration and dissapointment for the way she just threw away something as precious as my little girl...for drugs. Also knowing that she continued to do drugs and put her other baby at risk.

On top of all that I heard so many warm fuzzy open adoption stories on this website that I tried to offer that to her....but she was not opening up or responding to much....other than TAKING....and TAKING...she was never giving...by sharing birth history, medical history etc....with us....yet she wanted so much from us.

I told her from the begining what i wanted for my daughter.....which was mainly written communication...phone calls and visits would just be the icing on the cake. But she never did write....to share herself or my daughters info.....until a year had finally went by and I couldn't take it anymore and told her we needed to take a short break from phone/visits for a while.(we had a different set of issues regarding how healthy those were for our daughter...by her emotional state before and after the phone calls/visits). Plus she had disrespected our wishes regarding a major subject that really affected my daughter in a negative way. Along with that there were more serious safety issues as we found out the birthfather was out of jail 6 years early) and some members of the birthfamily had warned me about possible threats he made of getting his girls back.

So for a few months we only corresponded through e-mail/letters. Which was finally what I had been looking for all this time...but even then... I shared so much with her and she rarely responded to any of my comments or questions with more than just one vauge sentence.

Finally i started to realize that what i wanted and what she was willing to offer just wasn't the same. I accepted that fact. I accepted the fact that she wasn't the person i made her out to be in my mind and that regardless of what she did or didn't do i still wanted to share the blessings her daughter has brought into my life. I wanted to keep the door open so that if one day she felt ready to open up and share herself or my daughters history with her/us we would be in a position where she felt free to talk about it.

So I called her up and apologized for all that i was asking of her and told her I hoped she could forgive me and have patience with me because this year had been so much more difficult than I had ever imagined. I asked her to come down for a visit for Christmas and she eagerly accepted and thanked me and cried. I was so happy i knew I had done the right thing.

We called her a few more times before chirstmas and then saw her for a few days right before christmas of this last year(2005).

Our visit was nice...but uncomfortable at times....neither of us really knowing what to say or what to ask. Everything I had ever asked before was shot down....with a few exceptions....so I felt like she knew all the questions I wanted to know about and when she was ready she would tell me. Then again, I came to the realization that we will survive and do just fine even if she never did open up(like I thought open adoptiions were supposed to be).

She did show me her baby book and (not too much in it) and a few of her baby pictures(again she didn't have very much either) and also gave me back the "birthfamily book i had made for her..(asking question from my daughters perspective....her feelings on things, her birth story and that sort of thing...I had given her months and months ago.)

I realized that here she was offering me what i had asked for but....it just wan't good enough. Wasn't what i had hoped for or expected.

I guess I was looking for this woman who loved her child so much (which i know she does) but that was more ...well..like me....cherishing every little detail and willing to share that in a loving way with the precious child she conceived and gave birth to raised for 14 months. But everyhting is so emotionally closed. Everything is so short and vague.

So...I guess that's what I'm left with. My bubble has been burst. My great vision of what this could have been just faded away and I'm left looking at the situation through real glasses not rosie colored ones.

I guess i just sit here more than anything....dissapointed. More in myself then anyone else. For waisting a whole year obcessing about things that didn't really mean much to her birthmom. While I've been consumed with all these feelings that had completely taken over my whole life and she seems to be moving on...just fine...or at least refusing to deal with them or acknowledge that loss.

So finding the words to write her just seems hard. Trying to leave ME....out of the whole thing is very hard.

It's hard to share details of her life... because I guess i still feel a little resentful....that she doesn't return that same effort.

At the same time i wonder....am i still doing to much. Maybe she doesn't want to know every little detial(although I would...but then again I'm not her).

I wonder if anything i write her really matters since all she wants is direct contact with her.


Well, i have once again talked way toooooo long. But if anyone is still reasding at least you know more of where I am coming from. That I am not just this heartless person with no compassion....I guess i'm just this over bearing person who wants so much for her daughter and realizes that everything I want for her i am not capable of providing and the one person who is...who can fill in the gaps chooses not to or puts a bandaid over it....without first washing it and kissing it and putting medicine on it. Make any sense?????

Probably not...it's late again and I just keep rambling on....I'm so sorry!!!

Maybe I'll think clearer tomorrow.

[niandca]

You sound like me back in 2000. I don't think of myself as a control freak. All I expected was bmom to write to my daughter about her own life and maybe tell my daughter about the day she was born. It didn't happen. Instead she uses her letters to assert her mommyhood, demean me as "just the adoptive mom" and tell my daughter to have faith that they will always be mother & daughter and to know they will be a family again "soon".

Even after I twice told her this was not acceptable to us & unfair to a child (who was 2 in 2000), she continued. I told her, also twice, that if we couldn't get on the same page with this, then her letters would be stored away and my daughter would not be reading them. Six years later, she still disrespects the adoption.

I am quite a bit older than bmom and I saw her actions as a childish attempt to push my buttons...& she did. Eventually I realized she has issues I'm not equipped to deal with & I don't even want to. I have enough to do. I open each letter to see if there is any history or medical info or maybe a newborn pic of my daughter,(they don't) but I don't really read them. My letters to her do not contain any indication that I have read hers. I never wrote to her from a child's perspective because it was so obvious that she had already convinced herself that my daughter was writing them.

...and even after 6 years, there are occasions when she slips something toxic in between "how's the weather?" & "what's your favorite color?" and I still get angry momentarily. She's the loser, but that's her choice. It is too bad that the "open" part was seen by her as a way to remain "mommy" while we "babysit", but apparently bparents can lie about what they want out of it as well as aparents.
..and if I say "my daughter"..too bad...that's what she is. I don't say that in my letters to bmom, but here, in the real world, every day of my life...she is my daughter.

[Poolside]

Finally i started to realize that what i wanted and what she was willing to offer just wasn't the same. I accepted that fact. I accepted the fact that she wasn't the person i made her out to be in my mind and that regardless of what she did or didn't do i still wanted to share the blessings her daughter has brought into my life.

Sounds like you're still working on letting your heart know what your head has decided. It's a process, and I hope it doesn't impact you for too much longer. Share the blessing your daughter brings to you and to the world. It's ok to be angry at her and not just feel pity and guilt. You need to relieve yourself of the pain you think you own because you have her child and she doesn't. She doesn't because of her actions and although sad, not worth having an ulcer over. IMHO..
Take Care ((hugs))

[mom2GRLC]

Since we just saw her right before Christmas and the day after. I decided to start with how we spent New Years Eve.....and went from there. Instead of writing it to her... as in Dear -----(which is where I kept getting stumped) I just titled each subject I was talking about. For some reason that helped....I'll add the Dear____ right before i get ready to print it out and send to her.

I also made a bunch of copies of pictures that she didn't have yet...mainly from sept-Dec05. I wrote happy cute little notes on the back explaining what we were doing in each individual picture or just noting how precious she looked.

I'm also going to send her this little craft project my dd and I made and have my dd also write her a letter of her own.

I'm not going to bring up the subject that really bothered me with her...from those birth family pages she filled out. She had basically stated that she hates being lied to over and over again(I have NEVER lied to her) and that most of what was said in court was all lies(Everything I testified of in court was completely honest and everything I heard DHS testify was honest...the only person not being honest was....well...you can guess that one). At first I wanted to write her...telling her it is inapropriate for her to be questioning my integrity and honesty in front of my daughter. But that she needed to stop blaming others for the choices she chose to make herself and take responsibility for it. That I refused to allow her to make me feel guilty or at fault for why she was seperated from her daughter. Instead she should be greatful that because of ME she does continue to have a relationship with her daughter.(I'm not the ENEMY)

I wasn't going to say all this really for her birthmom's benefit...it was because I save every letter she and i have between each other so my daughter can read them as she gets older. I wanted my daughter to notice that I do have the integrity to stand up for what i believe in and with honesty. That I was not willing to take the blame....for why her birthmom falied and that it wasn't my fault she didn't get her back.

But...I will just write a letter to my daughter about it instead, to add to her birthfamily pages. I really don't see it serving any positive purpose by confronting her birthmom about it....and seperating us even more...from building a better relationship. It will only make her more closed up and feel like she can't say anything without it being judged. If she chooses to feel that way right now then that is her choice.....and I did tell her I wanted her to be open and honest with my dd good or bad and wanted her to know I wouldn't judge her because she has a right to feel however she feels and my daughter would benefit from hearing how she felt (when she's older) and how she worked through those feelings over time.

I'm happy with our new arrangements for contact...it gives me more time to take in everything and ponder what the best course of action is instead of following my ever changing emotions.

I know i have written so much...and you all are bored but it felt good to get it all out...and now I feel better about it. I really have no one to talk to because my husband would prefer that we never had any contact with her birthfamily again...so what I do do for her....is not only battling my own feelings, taking into consideration birthmoms feelings but also trying to keep my husband willing to follow my lead and at least TRY as well.

I wish we could ALL be on the same page!!!!

[Southernroots]

I'm proud of the way that you have worked through this issue. Sounds like you have reached some very sensible conclusions and taking the high road. The idea about keeping the letters positive sounds like a really good idea. I think it is important that your daughter see your integrity.

Children are smart, they usually see the truth. I think we sometimes do not give them enough credit for that.

Can you talk to the birth mom privately though about her disrespecting and arguing with you in front of your child? In a way, I can see that your daughter will ultimately figure it out on her own, but, I wonder in the meantime if it's good for her to hear the birth mom's comments? If they are minor, I think it's fine to let it go, but, if they aren't maybe she should be cautioned to cut it out.

Don't apologize for going on - it's a good way to work it out! Maybe eventually you all can get on the same page - I think it is great that you are working towards that!

[mom2GRLC]

I still haven't sent out her letter/pictures.

I wanted to get it all sent off two days ago but it didn't happen.

I'm still finding it hard to know what to say. How much detail to go into. etc.

part of me....would like to just send her a nice card & pictures and sign my name to it. That's all I feel "ready" to do...at this point.

But I told her I would "write" her....in January. Does a card count? I don't want her to think I'm mad at her or something...I want to start this year off good. My problem isn't really about her...it's about ME.

UUURRGGG!!!! I set up this schedule(not promised) to help me out....so I could get back to a normal life. Now i feel like it wasn't such a good idea...because it is forceing me to write & share when i don't feel ready to do anything.