[BethenyJ]

Hi, I am new here but need some advice. We have an "open" adoption with my son's bio mom who also happens to be my sister in law. We raised our son and his brother for a year and a half, then "mom" decided she only wanted the oldest one back and we took the baby. Since we have had him, she has never asked to see him, never asked to take him, never wants anything to do with him. Last week we had our Family Pictures done in celebration of our son being ours for an entire year. (we adopted him last December- by the way "mom" signed off all rights to our son). Now all of the sudden "Andrea" wants to have our son sit in on a photo shoot with her other two sons- and because I said no- she went to Family Services and complained and they told we had to let her do it- because she can take us back into court and contest to the adoption. Does anyone know if this is true?

[blessedbybug]

Is your case finalized? I would think that might make a huge difference. You are his mother then. If it is finalized, I would think that the threats of contesting the adoption would be false or overblown. If he is not finalized then you may still be considered a foster family or in a guardian relationship with this child.

My only advice would be to contact Family Services yourself to see what they say. If your case is finalized and you don't have a legally binding open adoption agreement with your child's first mother, then I would say you are not obligated. But don't take my word for it. Each state/province/county is different.

On the other hand, your put the open of open adoption in quotes. Does that truly mean it is open? If so, is there harm in considering this as a possible bridge to a more open relationship with your child's first mother? If he is your son, but he has a connection or possibility of a connection with birth siblings, isn't that what an open adoption is all about? My DD has two older siblings who are still a part of her birth family. I make every effort possible so that Bug can have a relationship with them. I want her to know I did what I could so that she could know them. Just my 2 cents...

[Southernroots]

I have no idea about the answer to your question. But, I am curious as to why you refuse to allow a picture to be taken. Is it really so significant to you that you would risk causing a family feud? No matter who is raising the child, what possible harm could there be to allow the child to have its picture taken with siblings?

I guess I really wonder why you did say no. I think that BlessedByBug's approach of encouraging her child to maintain a relationship with siblings is really healthy.

Do you intentionally want to hurt your son's bio mother? Is that really healthy or productive? Will that serve any useful purpose? Or, is there some other reason that you refuse to allow a photo? Am I missing something? Will it be good for your son to make something as simple as a photo into a major issue?

Sounds to me as though you might be angry at the bio mom - and considering what you said about how she is ignoring this child - I can understand that. Maybe you feel that she doesn't deserve to have your son included in this family family? Maybe she doesn't - but, this child deserves to be in the photo with his siblings and no matter what she is still one of his mothers too. Granted - doesn't sound like she's been much of a mother to him - but, I think that you should take the high road and save your battles for something more important.

[happygmom]

I think that you need to think of your son first on this one and think long term. When he is older, I bet he will cherish that first photo with his siblings and will love you all the more for making that happen for him.

Happy G'Ma

[leaabc123]

I would consider this carefully. As there are benefits to having relationships with siblings but you don't want b-mom to think she has control over your actions with your son.

She is clearly trying to manipulate things for some reason. If you do agree to the picture, go with him and do not leave him alone so you can monitor what is said and done.

[Southernroots]

"but you don't b-mom to think she has control over your actions with your son."

I think maybe that's the core of this problem. But, we're only talking about a picture with his siblings, right? He's a baby, right? Or a toddler? What could or would the bio mom say or do - tell him that she's his mother too, or????

[Leigh131313]

If you aren't comfortable, don't do it.

I do find the whole thing about her contesting a little strange....unless of course it is not finalized. If a photo op is going to cause her to contest, my advice would be to prepare for her to contest. If THAT is going to be enough, I doubt she truly wants that child with you.

Just my thoughts.

Leigh

[leaabc123]

If the papers are already signed and it wasn't contested already, I doubt she has a case. Consult an attorney rather than child services.

[BethenyJ]

It's not that I have a problem with his brothers being in a photo with him, I have taken several of them together. It's the fact that I said no- to her being in the pictures with them, and her going to Child and Family and boo hooing about it, and them telling me I had to do this. What my question is this- in an open adoption (which in our case his bio mom doesn't want and never has wanted anything to do with our son) What rights do we as his Leagal Parents do we have- when everytime we say no to something she turns around and goes to Family Serives and raises cane about it- until they agree. How much right does she have to our son when she signed off all rights to him before we adopted him?

[tobeafamily]

Betheny,

If her parental rights are completely terminated - including any waiting period - then she has no 'rights' to your son. In the eyes of the court she has no legal relationship to him. This is regardless of your status on finalization.

Now if you are adopting through CFS, and the adoption is not yet finalized, then they do indeed have a say in what happens b/c your child is still under their jurisdiction.

For the sake of your children and your family, I would highly recommend you all seek counseling and mediation. Remember, this spills over onto all your children and does affect them deeply.
Becuase honestly, I'm concerned about how your animosity towards her is affecting the situation.

Remember, not everyone grieves the same way. It's not at all uncommon for a birth parent to appear indifferent or disinterested in a child they placed or who was removed from their care. It's a coping mechanism. So please don't feel threatened or offended, because it's less about you and more about her.

JMHO

Regina

[Southernroots]

Okay, if the adoption is final, I do not think that she has ANY legal rights, UNLESS, you are in a state in which open adoptions are legal. Something isn't making sense to me here, but, I admit I don't know much about this particular part of adoption.

If your son is legally adopted, why can Family Services tell you what to do? I seriously doubt that they have any right to tell you what to do, except if you were harming a child - maybe I am wrong? Adoption means the biological parent signs away ALL legal rights.

Maybe you need to sit down with the bio mom and tell her that you do not appreciate her going to Social Services. Plus, it might not hurt to get it straight with her that she now has no legal rights and tell her that her going whining to Social Services will just make things worse. The two of you need to find a way to get along I think and work out issues as they arise.

As for the photo, what possible harm could there be? Is it a territorial/control issue? She sounds like a very troubled person; I guess I feel sorry for her and think it would be kind to allow her such a small gesture.

I am just curious, do you know why she has no interest in just the one child? Seems sorta odd.

[Southernroots]

[quote]Remember, not everyone grieves the same way. It's not at all uncommon for a birth parent to appear indifferent or disinterested in a child they placed or who was removed from their care. It's a coping mechanism. So please don't feel threatened or offended, because it's less about you and more about her.
[quote]

I think everything Regina just said makes a great deal of sense. It does make perfect sense that maybe the birth mom is trying to "disconnect" from the child as a way to cope. May be the only way she knows how to survive. Too bad though for the child's sake. Is family counseling a possibility? I think it could really help to get this situation on track - and possibly help you know how to deal with similiar issues in the future?

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by BethenyJ

It's not that I have a problem with his brothers being in a photo with him, I have taken several of them together. It's the fact that I said no- to her being in the pictures with them, and her going to Child and Family and boo hooing about it, and them telling me I had to do this. What my question is this- in an open adoption (which in our case his bio mom doesn't want and never has wanted anything to do with our son) What rights do we as his Leagal Parents do we have- when everytime we say no to something she turns around and goes to Family Serives and raises cane about it- until they agree. How much right does she have to our son when she signed off all rights to him before we adopted him?

Sorry - I did not realize that the photos were to include her - thought that you meant just the siblings. Sounds like she needs someone to help her sort our her feelings about your son and what is reasonable to ask of you.

Good luck,

Happy G'Ma

[jaydensmommy]

We have asked the birthparents of our child to be in pictures with him and have actually paid for them. I want our son to know that his birthparents love and care about him. We have had them taken each birthparent separately with our son and also together. We even have one with the birthfather (our nephew) with my DH and myself and our son. I don't really see a problem with her being in the photo, except that it may be triggering something deep down in you. As long as you're there during the pictures to monitor the situation, what could it hurt? Looking back, from the future, wouldn't you want your son to know that she cared enough to include him in the family picture?

In the beginning of our adoption, I had to look long and hard as to what is better for my son versus what is my insecurities and then choose what I thought was best for my son and I had to be really honest with myself because I was very insecure in the beginning. I am now a lot more comfortable and glad that I made what I felt was the correct decisions for our son.

[Montraviatommyg]

I've only just read through this thread ... ultimately you should do what you feel is best but would it really hurt for your child to be in a pic with bmum's other children? I'm not saying you're wrong just it would keep her happy so if you compromise now you have room to expect her to compromise in return. Difficult situation as you just want to have a happy family life, good luck whatever you decide.

Pip