[pinkheart]

We have a open adoption with a family member and we just found out that she has told some people so info regarding our adoption that we both agree we would keep to ourselves unless we all talked before telling anyone. She promised and so did we that we would not tell anyone this info unless we all agreed. Now we find out she has told at least three people that we do not trust. We are so upset that we don't know what to do. We feel like we have been stabbed inthe back.I feel that if we can't trust her with our agreement then what????? We we planning to see her and my family but we are so mad I can't think of seeing or being in the same room. My husband is so upset we both cannot believe it. I have spoken with my parents and they respect our wishes to not see her right now and to see if time will calm us all down??? It that to harsh not to see her this trip we are just so hurt.

[sneezyone]

If I recall, you've adopted your niece's child, right? If the news she shared is related to HER exprience with adoption, I'm not sure why you feel betrayed. She has a right to share her story with whomever she chooses even if you had an agreement not to. If the news she shared is YOUR personal news, unrelated to her, then yes, I'd be a little miffed. Is your adoption supposed to be a secret or something? If so, why? Perhaps she initially felt like she didn't want to share but now feels it's beneficial to her emotional well-being to have things be out in the open. If you feel that strongly about it, perhaps it's best not to see eachother right now - but long-term, this is someone you will always have a relationship with and it's probably best to sit down, face to face and discuss your feelings. It'd be a shame for her not to see the child while you're in town. Is there a neutral third-party that you trust to make sure that happens outside your presence?

[pinkheart]

The info is about were she placed the baby with us. We feel that to protect our privacy intil we are ready to tell people other than family members. I don't want people trying to make contact with us over the years intil we have time to talk to our child and explain. I don'tfeel confortable of her telling strangers to us that she placed the baby with us. Maybe it is wrong for me to feel this way but right now I can't help it??????

[dadfor2]

hi pinkheart,

im sorry that this is causing you so much pain, and if you are still very angry during your trip, it probably would be best not to see her.

but i must admit im a little confused on what the situation is.

your angry at her for telling people why she placed her baby for adoption with you two?

and your worried about people making contact with you over the years about what?

can you explain this a little better so we can understand and maybe help, and if its none of our business, then thats fine and ill just leave it as 'good luck, sorry your going through this.'

[cathy102]

PinkHeart,

I am still confused with your story a little but why don't you and your hub talk to her and ask her why she talked to the 3 people. And are you 100% that she did talk to these people?

[pinkheart]

I hope that this will not angry anyone but we are afraid of the some of the babies birthfamliy will try to contact us because of her placing the child with us. We know from the birth mom saying some people were upset with her placing the baby up for adoption birthdad etc his famliy. He had full notice and full notice by law but failed to do anything. I'm not judging him but from what birthmom has said he called her some terrible names when she told him of her adoption plans and the next day his family called and that was several months ago and we are afraid if they know were the baby is placed that we do not want any trouble now.I realize in the future when the time is right that the baby has every right to know who the birth parents are but i don't want any surprises before we are able to explain to our child.please advise if i'm wrong in feeling this way and want pur privacy????

[Southernroots]

Still not certain that I understand what you are upset about, but, from your last post, it sounds as though it is because the birth mother told people that she placed her child with you. And that you are afraid that some members of the birth family may now want to contact you. Is that right?

Is that is indeed an accurate description of the situation, like the others, I guess that I am not really understanding the basis for your being upset. If this woman was pregnant - placed her baby with you - were you expecting her to lie about where the baby is now? Maybe I misunderstanding you? If not, this adoption is starting off on a bad note, I would say. To me, it seems unreasonable for you to expect her to lie about where the child is - even if she agreed to it.

As for being afraid that birth family members will contact you - are you worried about the adoption not going through or is it already legal? In any case, being "worried" about the birth family contacting you also seems a bad omen to begin an adoption with. Do you know that for the child's sake, most experts consider it better for children to retain some contact with birth family when possible?

Is this supposed to be a closed or an open adoption? You mention a visit and your post is under "open adoption" right? If it is supposed to be "open", is it a reasonable expectation that she tells no one? I still am not certain that from your explanation that you gave us enough info to form a reasoned opinion on this situation.

You don't want any trouble now? I don't understand what that means exactly. Is it you want to "hide the baby" from the family till you have told it about the adoption? As for telling the child later, I hope you have read about when to tell a child that they are adopted because most adoption experts that I trust now recommend that a child be told from day one. Springing it on them later has severe consequences often. There was a poster yesterday who was told at age 4 and it had a very negative affect on her.

As for not going through with an already planned visit,
again, not a good way to start off. I fear that since you fear she did something you didn't like, now you may want to "get back" at her and cancel a visit. Please re-think that idea for the child's sake. It is so much better for the child if you all get along. Yes, I think it IS too harsh to cancel a visit and a really negative way to begin an adoption.

Is there a good knowledgeable adoption therapist in your area you could talk to? Or an experienced mediator or counselor who could discuss this adoption with you all? I think it is important to get the situation back on track right away.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Am I right in understanding that it is the father that you dont want to know where the baby is???

My opinion on that is that the child has a birthmother and a birthfather. The relationship between them should be between them and not what you base your relationship with each of them on.

Perhaps the best resoluition would be to write a letter to his family.. with pictures... and find out what they want. You being reasonable may eleviate any trouble at the get go. Then you wont have to constantly be worried about something happening.

As for who or what the birthmom told... I really think that it is unreasonable to expect her to not share the information-- expecially when it is his child (you know what I mean...?).. Her initial description of what happened may have been spun... OR waters may have warmed as tempers cooled.... Like I said... that has to be between them and she should have told him up front that the baby was going to a family member.. he may have had input about a family member of his that he preferred. It 'sounds' like she made the decision without him. Of course he would be mad....


Rambling....

Bottom line... IMO you should simply ask what they are looking for. They may not be looking for anything. It will kill you to sit there and be angry and paranoid when you should be able to concentrate on the baby.

Did you say how you found out the info? If you heard 3rd party.. it probably wasnt meant for you to have. And if the 3rd party wasnt his family.. then you might step back and wonder if they have any intentions at all....

[pinkheart]

The adoption is final and I guess our fears are that the birthfather and his family will try to contact us if they know the baby is placed with us and we don't want that at this time due to his history of problems and we are still going to visit and see the birthmom because we love her very much and we will all talk about this. We feel that he had his change and did nothing we don't want contact with him for our own personal privacy and issues and if our baby in the future wants to know have contact that will be the childs own wish. Maybe we will feel different in the future but I feel that when we adopted the baby it would be our descion whom and when contact with the birthparents. Am I being to protective ??????I just want to live in peace and not have to worry that the phone may ring or someone will stop at my door before we are ready to see them???? I don't want to get anyone mad regarding this issue with birthparents but i guess i need advice and help?????

[pinkheart]

She told me last night on the phone that she told some of her friends.She was not very upfront with us and it was really hard to trust her at times. Maybe we are just overreacting due to being scarred. The birthfather or his family has not contacted us yet and may they won't / I guess we should just step back and not worry.

[echaos]

I'm getting the sense that you may be worried about protecting your child and family from the birthfather, by not having him know where you live. Are you worried that there is a possibilty that he could be threat to you?

Is it possible to communicate with him (or his family) through a 3rd party, such as your agency?

[pinkheart]

Yes he has some crimminal issues and drug problems in the past not sure now??? I guess if he tries to contact us we should contact the lawyer. He may not ever but the fear of this is worrying me since we found out birthmom has told people that could get back to him. maybe we are too worried over nothing.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well, I think stepping back and not worrying is a good first step. I mean.. if all else fails.. the birthmom can just give copies of her photos to the birthfather and you wont have to contact at all. KWIM?

Do you have a right to live in peace? YES! But it doesnt sound like that has been violated.

You know, really, she HAS to talk about it... This stuff can really just eat you up inside and her friends are definately a good place to turn for support. Keeping secrets can really tear a person up.

I would just tell her that you understand that she has talked about it.. but that you dont want contact with anyone else.

If she and he are talking.. if he wants information, then she can always pass those milestones on.

I hope you know, No one can take your baby from you-- you dont have to be worried about that.

-- Remember that past issues CAN be resolved (AKA grow up...) and that the issue of the adoption etc is between him and her.

[cathy102]

If this birthfather had problems in the past but you are not sure if he does now. Why are you so worried about him making contact? We don't have any contact with either of my kids birthfather's (not my choice). But I know they could probably find out about our information some how but I will not be threatened in any way by them wanting to know how the kids are doing. This guy may not of been around during the pregnancy but you can't tell me he doesn't care about the baby he conceive. He may just want to know how the baby is doing. He may even NEVER contact you. So I would just stop worrying and take it one day at a time..

[sneezyone]

Pink - I think most people have given you as much advice as they can - mostly to chill out until you have a better sense of what the bfather will/wont do. If the guy didn't respond after being told the baby was placed with you and his rights have already been terminated, the liklihood that he'll track you down out of town/state is slim at best. I truly think you're being WAAAY overprotective. Like it or not, this is not JUST your child. Lots of people have a stake in how he/she turns out. You seem to be painting the bfather's family with the same brush as the bfather. Do you have any evidence that his family poses a threat? As others have said, people can change and/or your niece's depiction of things may not have been 100% accurate. I'd calm down and keep an open mind here but if you can't be in that place by the time you visit bmom, perhaps try to find someone else in the family who can to follow through with the planned visit.