[pinkheart]

Most of the info is from the birthmom and some from the newspaper. I guess I am afraid of the unknown and I know that people can change I just am scared of the unknown. If he wants contact and is still angry with birthmom I don't want that angry to be dircted towards us on the way birthmom handled herself with birthdad thats not our businesss or fault if he is angry at her??? We know at some time this might happen and I guess I will need to overcome my own fears give him a chance if we feel he will be a positive person in our childs life. thanks for your advice really helps.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

But remember that you got this info from a 3rd party.... he may not even want contact... maybe he just wanted answers....

((HUG))

[redfred]

Pinkheart: I think I can relate a bit to your situation. After we adopted our daughter, some of the birthfathers family DID contact us directly. They have an extensive history of drugs, violence and a long police record. We were VERY afraid at that time. Some of the paternal grandparents even threatened to “hunt us down and take the baby back.” I guess that our blessing was that we are NOT related to them, and it was easier to take a step back and realize that our paths do not necessarily need to cross. We also worked with our agency to take steps to stop them from directly contacting us but still maintain an avenue for potential future contact. We have a completely open adoption with the birthparents, but we also let them know that they were not to share our contact info with anyone else. Obviously they didn’t respect this, but each time it was brought up my husband and I remained calm and firmly explained that we were not willing to have any direct contact with these individuals. My advice to you based on my experiences would be to contact your agency and talk to someone there. And if your agency doesn’t help, find one that will. Most will provide services for a fee if need be… and I can tell you that any money you spend addressing this issue will be very, very well invested. I also don’t generally believe in slamming and locking such an important door to your child’s past, but I have learned by experience that sometimes it’s ok to not reach out and turn the doorknob myself for a while. We have had several “issues” come up with these birthparents, and I don’t know how well we would have handled them without the support and guidance of a seasoned adoption professional. Good luck and hang in there!!!

[jaydensmommy]

Hi. I adopted my nephew's child about a year and a half ago. Family adoptions are somewhat different than non-related adoptions in that there will almost always be contact and as such, usually, an open adoption. Since it is open with the bmom, then why can't it be open with the bdad? If he wants contact, couldn't you meet at a neutral place when you're in town and possibly observe him and see if he has the best interest of your child at heart. As your child gets older, won't he/she question where the bfather is and will have to say that you pushed him away/didn't want contact or will you be able to say that you made every effort to allow contact and allow your child to know his bparents. It is my opinion that in most situations, it is better for the child to know the bparents. It takes away the not knowing, searching, etc.

Before adopting our son, I had no knowledge of open adoptions, but after reading and doing research I am 100% for them in most cases. I wasn't always comfortable with the open adoption arrangement and have had to grow and become secure that I am his mother. It was definitely easier on the open adoption arrangement with my nephew than the bmother because he was already family. My relationship with the bmother is not for me, but for my son.

I have become more comfortable with it as time has passed and am actually wanting more contact, i.e., scheduled. As of now she will see him and then not see him for months and then see him again and say she wants to see him the next day and then not show up (she's now 16, placed at 15). I don't want our son to get disappointed by her saying she's going to be there and then not show. This isn't as much of a problem now, but as he gets older, he may be hurt by the fact that she is a no-show. I will be speaking to her about this in the next visit or so.

Open adoptions can be difficult, but can be very rewarding also of all are willing to work at it.

[pinkheart]

Thanks for all the advice I was wondering how we could prepare if some day he does call and is very upset. He may have alot of anger towards birthmom and that is not our fault and do we just let agency and or lawyer to have contact and see what he wants at first if at this time we do not feel comfortable with direct contact. What if we get his phone number if he calls and say we will have them contact him regarding info if he wants. please advice

[Southernroots]

Something to think about - there are a million possible scenarios that may or may not happen in this adoption. But, I sense an excessive amount of worry on your part right now - probably very normal, but, I bet it doesn't feel good.

How about this? Try to enjoy every day and moment with your child, relax and take one day at a time. I believe if you keep worrying too much about all the dires things that COULD happen, this whole adoption may seem overwhelming. It is somewhat like a really hard task or job that one needs to perform. If you break it down into small pieces and do a bit at a time, it will not seem so difficult.

If the father does call some day, hopefully by then, you will be relaxed and secure enough to gracefully handle the situation with him. Do not allow him to put the blame on you if his issues are with the birth mother. If he wants to argue with you, quietly tell him than you do not wish to do so. Better to talk to him if you can handle it, as referring him to your attorney or the agency might sound cold and unfriendly. It will be better for the child if you can have a decent relationship with the birth dad. However, if you feel you need to, refer the father to the attorney or agency.

Try not to let any potential problems that may or may not occur prevent you from enjoying your parenting of this child. Always remember that whatever you do, think of the child first and do not let ego or pride or any other negative emotion affect your decisions.

[pinkheart]

Thank you for your advice I do not want to sound cold to the birthfather if he tries to make contact , I love our baby so much and I would not want to do anything that will hinder the baby's realationship in the future if the baby want s to with the birthparents nor do i want to have any neg. contact with birthparents either. Thanks for the advice.

[AwaitingBeloved]

I agree with southernroots. I also feel like the bfather deserves a chance. If he were to ever contact you. And then if he ever did anything that you felt was out of line or that was inappropriate in front of your child, then maybe you would want to have a mediator help all parties involved. But I do think that since he is the bfather that he has a right to see the child or have contact with them. It is very possible that the bmom is channeling her anger at him, or just trying to make him look bad so you'll like her more.. I would say just keep both eyes open.

Good luck.

[sugarbabysmommy]

I absolutey understand and agree with you that any negative feelings the birthfather *may* have toward the birthmother not be directed at you. It's reasonable to say hey, we hear ya, we get that you're po'ed, but the person you really need to come to terms with is the birthmother, and if we're going to get to know one another we can't be put in the middle- if you are ever put in that position- IF. I also understand your desire to go through the what if scenarios about how you'd handle the call, and this is where your agency should help you. Give them a call, talk with a counselor and do some role playing. I think it's fine to have a game plan, so long as you recognize that all these things you fear so much are only posibilities and NOT absolutes. It's ok to be flexible.

It sounds like you are waiting at home to be pounced on. What will it take for you to feel better, to stop worrying? Because just sitting at home waiting for what might or might not happen isn't helping you. Even posting here is only helping (I sense) a small amount.

[JPDakota]

Pinkheart,
I hear your voice loud and clear. Your sense tells you that the birthfather and/or his family may be trouble. It happens. Keep in mind that his parental rights have been terminated. You don't owe them contact. You may believe that it would be best for your son to have contact at some point. You may not. Regardless, my advice is to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Get an adoption professional and your attorney on board. That way if anything does happen, you're prepared. Hopefully that will take some of the pressure off you and help you let go of the fear.
Hang in there!

[lilifelover]

You know,
Children pick up on the things their parents say and do (or don't say or do). Being secretive about adoption- even if it's only with strangers or friends- will impact your child. That little child will pick up on the things that you say and come to the conclusion that maybe his origins aren't something to be proud of (which isn't true) and that he is living a lie or isn't important enough to be honored as an adoptee and a son. Do a little research on things like that...and see what implications you might face later. I know a lot of agencies and independent counselors have access to a lot of information regarding adult behavior vs. child developement.

What's wrong with a birthfamily trying to contact you? Of course some of them will be less than pleased. Personally, I chose not to place my daughter with family...just cause I didn't want to go visit my "niece" at major holidays...and for the potential for trouble between the family...well, there are lots of reasons, but a lot of them are probably specific to my family and not general so I won't list them here. Anyway, that's beside the point. Obviously, you are related to this child and that child is definately related to your extended family (Birthparents and all) and another family. There isn't a way to keep the adoption a secret in those circles. Also, if you know the birthmother and your family why not visit? Why not share the joy and love around? Give your child another couple of people to love him and build a great network of relationships around him.

I don't really know your circumstances. What I do know is that counseling helps. Joint counseling and individual counseling for you guys, the birthfamily and any extended family that needs it (although the latter should be separate from yall) can help tremendously. It takes a long time for adoptive parents and birthparents to learn to get along with eachother...so don't give up, get some help and help yourself by getting things fixed soon so you can go on living and not have to worry anymore.

Just my humble opinion...hope it helped some?

[pinkheart]

Thank you all for the great advice . We are still very new in dealing with issues that arise with adoption personal and with the birthparents. I really am glad for the advice because I can't worry that a phone will ring and it will be a angry birthfather. We will deal with it when and or if it every happens and I am not going to be scarred. Everything is final with the adoption and our baby is not going any place and We need to calm down since we have found out birthmom has told some people that the baby is with us. I think it was a while ago and no contact yet. But we will deal with it then and we will have the support for lawyer and adoption agency if needed and we will see if it every happens. I don't want to worry and I 'm not anymore I 'm going to have a great time on our trip and see my parents and the birthmom as much as she wants to see us and let it happen and see. Worry can eat a person up and We had enough of that . Thanks again and I will keep a open mind in the future regarding if and when we get contact. God bless.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Enjoy your trip. Worry can get the better of any of us, I'm glad you feel like you've gotten the upper hand on it.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Have a great holiday!!!

[krajewskim]

I also think it's good advice to relax a bit, but I also understand being over protective - I am the Queen. I also understand birthfather issues. Our BF was in jail at the time of the adoption and now that he is out he is looking for us in an attempt to kidnap his son. I live in constant fear. Our BF has a violent criminal past and he would stop at nothing to regain his "property". Anyway, I digress. My point is, I think I know what you're worried about. If you think your BF knows where you are anyway, you may want to get a restraining order against him and his family. Then he couldn't show up or call you. If he did, he could be put in jail. Just a thought if you are really that nervous. Good luck and remember it could be worse, you could have my kid's BF!!!!! :-)