[echaos]

you could also talk to her about boundaries....

It's okay for her to talk about anything she wants to, but it's not okay for her to give anyone your name and address without your consent.

[sneezyone]

I agree with that Andy - as a precaution it'd be good to ask that she not reveal your address, etc. It just doesn't seem plausible tho that bmom would give these three friends her aunt's address. It's more likely that she'd say something like - Yeah, my dd/dh was adopted by my aunt so and so (fname) in Timbuktu. *shrug*

[pinkheart]

Thank you all for all of the advice I will calm my jets and try to move on and not worry so much and if something happens that he wants contact or info he can get it from a third party or birthmom. I know I am overprotective and I now that for the birthmom she need to talk about it and to help her deal and I want her to be healthy and able to express her feeling and we need to just talk to her when we see her. I want her to have a relationship with baby and I don't want her to feel she did something wrong if she needed to get this out but we just wanted to be informed a little sooner since it kind of effects us if we get any contact with the birthfatherEtc. The adoption is final and he is not going anywhere and we are not either and I want to keep us as close as we can be with the birthmom and open communication and I don't want her to feel she was wrong to talk if that is what she needs I love her so much and without her we would not have our baby and I would not be a mom at this point in my life.
Thanks to all of the post.

[pinkheart]

Well she lived with us for the end of the pregnacy and all the friends and birthfather wrote and called all the time so thats why we are worried because they all know our address and phone.

[pinkheart]

so if she said she placed the baby with us and used our names which she did they all know our info to contact us if someone really wanted due to her giving all this info before she asked us.

[echaos]

Originally Posted by pinkheart

Well she lived with us for the end of the pregnacy and all the friends and birthfather wrote and called all the time so thats why we are worried because they all know our address and phone.

If the birthfather was calling her and writting to her during the end of her pregnancy and she had already decided on making an adoption plan with you as the adoptive parents (you had mentioned this in another thread) and as you mentioned, the birthfather was given all legal opportunities in regards to his TPR, how is it that he doesn't already know that you are the adoptive parents?

[cathy102]

I am so confused about this story now. I thought the birthdad was not around for the pregancy??? But now you are telling us that he wrote to her and called while pregnant???? Huh?????

[pinkheart]

Birthdad wrote and called until she told him she had decided to place the baby up for adoption but she did not tell him with us. She did not want him to know and we agreed for oue own privacy . He was then sent all the info that the baby was going to be placed for adoption and all the info of what he could do? no respone . So if she tells her friends that also know him that the baby was placed with us they he can contact us. I hope that clear sit up a little.

[echaos]

Thanks Pinkheart, that does clear it up.

[cathy102]

I was going crazy but I think that clears it up for me. How old is your child?

[pinkheart]

Sorry about the confusing I 'm glad that cleared it up.

Originally Posted by echaos

Thanks Pinkheart, that does clear it up.

[pinkheart]

he is 7 months old and sorry again about the confusion on my part when I try to explain my situation.

Originally Posted by cathy102

I was going crazy but I think that clears it up for me. How old is your child?

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I think a big chunk is that the father was calling her... and being involved... and then she made the adoption decision without him. Bottom line is that she should have been open with him.. and I understand your privacy... but I think what she did was wrong and he SHOULD have animosity toward her.

You are right, he was given the information and didnt step up. So that probably means that he accepts the adoption and you dont have much to worry about...

But their relationship... I mean I think what she did was way wrong and they will have to work that out between them. Make sense?

If he DOES want photos or updates and she has them... I think she 100% owes him that information. BUT you can also be 100% not involved in that.

I think there is just a separation of who's relationship is what. If the baby is 7 months old then I would venture to say that no action is going to be taken.

Him being betrayed by her is between them.

Im sure she can use support... but you did the right thing with the legal papers and everything, so none of this is your fault. It is a situation she created and she will need to figure out how to make amends or even if amends can be made. But it shouldnt affect your relationship. I dont think-- at least I havent seen-- a lot of birthparents out there trying to kidnap their children... that is mostly Lifetime TV.

[pinkheart]

You are right she will have to deal with how she handled things with him and all we can do is love the baby and birthmom and if he wants contact we will let birthmom deal with that and or a third party. Thanks for the advice.

Originally Posted by numbr1dbcksfan

I think a big chunk is that the father was calling her... and being involved... and then she made the adoption decision without him. Bottom line is that she should have been open with him.. and I understand your privacy... but I think what she did was wrong and he SHOULD have animosity toward her.

You are right, he was given the information and didnt step up. So that probably means that he accepts the adoption and you dont have much to worry about...

But their relationship... I mean I think what she did was way wrong and they will have to work that out between them. Make sense?

If he DOES want photos or updates and she has them... I think she 100% owes him that information. BUT you can also be 100% not involved in that.

I think there is just a separation of who's relationship is what. If the baby is 7 months old then I would venture to say that no action is going to be taken.

Him being betrayed by her is between them.

Im sure she can use support... but you did the right thing with the legal papers and everything, so none of this is your fault. It is a situation she created and she will need to figure out how to make amends or even if amends can be made. But it shouldnt affect your relationship. I dont think-- at least I havent seen-- a lot of birthparents out there trying to kidnap their children... that is mostly Lifetime TV.

[sugarbabysmommy]

As I kept reading my recurring thought was about where your informaiton on the birthfather's past has come from? Granted he called her until she said she was placing the child and then he became unpleasant, called her names etc. But did the bulk of your info about him come from her?

I know a young man, his child was placed without his knowledge. Birthmother made all sorts of claims about him to the adoptive family, so when he found out the child existed, and was placed and said he was going to contest the adoption they were sure he was a bad person, they were absolutely sure and chose to fight him. He persisted in visiting his child, in getting to know the adoptive parents. In the end he agreed to the adoption and has been so active in getting to know his child's parents, has been so supportive and caring toward them all that a truly open adoption is developing. He said recently he is so happy his child is where he is.

I know that if my child's birthfather were not in the picture and the bulk of my info came from my child's birthmother that my perception of him could be colored by my loyalty to her. But he's very much a part of our lives and I'm so happy he is.

What deep down are you afraid of? Really and truly? Why do you want openness for your child's birthmother and not birthfather when he could potentially be an ok guy who just acts like an a** during a break up? Unless there is more here that you don't feel comfortable sharing. Does it feel too complicated to have more than one brithparent? Is it the fear of the unknown and since you already knew the birthmother (as she's already family) you didn't have to pass that hurdle with her?

My best advice is to take control of the situation rather than waiting for the other shoe to drop, or spend your child's youth waiting for him to never make contact- which is what I'm hearing in your voice. Not judgement, just sharing what I'm getting from your posts.