[clshepherd]

My DH and I are moving out of state, from Alaska to Tenn. Since the first time we met the bmom, we told her that this was in our plans - and expected it to take place Spring 2006. Opportunities have just come up and our house has just sold at the same time - so we will be leaving around the end of October.

I'm looking for help in telling the bmom this - as she has been having a hard time lately and is reluctant to seek professional help. We have encouraged her to do this multiple times, knowing that this time would come and how hard it would be for her.

Just a note, we haven't waited to tell her, but it is all happening fast -opportunities have just come up at this beginning of this week - and things are flowing. We plan to tell her next weekend when we visit in person.

We did also talk in the beginning about our move and how the relationship would change - to letters/pics via mail. She has asked about visiting once we move - and I'm sorta open to that. I just don't want to be expected to either pay her costs or to provide a place to stay, etc. We just don't have that close of a relationship and I'm not thinking that it will ever be that way. Bmom still doesn't make the best choices in life - ie employed at a known drug distribution point when she is in recovery herself. ugh.

We just want the best for her and to be able to remain open for our dd - but at the same time we need to protect our family from the chaos that is part of her life.

Thanks for listening.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I guess my question is.. where is the child in all this? How old?? What a bombshell right before the holidays. That is such a big difference between spring 2006 and now-- like 1/2 a year.

Im not sure how to cushion the blow- except that I would say to tell her sooner than later. My other advice is to NOT say to her anything in the range of "Well we told you all along that we would be moving..." That wont cushion anything...but IMO will just make it worse. Maybe offer a few extra visits this last month?!?!?

I would also probably not point out that you dont like her job or what not.... at least she has a job... and being what it is..doesnt mean she is doing anything wrong.

I would set up a schedule as to when you will send her photos during the year... and if you will be available for phone calls. You said you were open to visits... but not willing to help her at all.

Alaska to Tennessee is so far. Would you not even consider helping? Even splitting or something? Not because you owe her anything-- if it was made clear beforehand-- but because it would benefit your child to do what you can to keep that relationship in tact for him or her.

I guess over all.. my advice is that she is going to feel how she will feel -- probably crushed... and I would just let her feel that way and not try to cushion it with letting her know that you already told her before that this would happen. Then be open for a dicussion on where to go from here.... even if it means getting to gether a few more times before you leave. Im not sure that she will be in a state of mindto talk about it right then and there at the same time you tell her.

I hope everything goes well.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Maybe-- so it doesnt ruin the whole visit-- you can tell her.. and then give her a letter (hand written-- not computer) telling her what you will be looking for from your relationship and what you would like to see happen. So that she can take that and read it and then respond to you.

Just remember to think about your child in all of this.. because ultimately it is his or her relationship that you are just watching over for him or her.

[clshepherd]

DD is 9 months old now. I never did want to approach it with bmom that 'we told you this would happen.' I was just relaying that info for context of the story.

We are very sensitive to the bmom's feelings, and do understand that we can't change how she feels. I know this will be a blow to her - but the point I was trying to make was that this isn't related to us trying to take the child away - but rather that this has always been part of the plan. What I didn't say before was that we were planning on going this fall all along - but then plans feel through - so we planned on Spring - then just now they have changed again and we have the opportunity to go.

I do appreciate the fact that she may not be able to talk about how the relationship will change - and do like the letter idea - so she'll have something to think about. I believe that would be a good idea.

Unfortunately this isn't an easy triad - not that we thought it would be - as we were told from the start that our bmom can be unreliable and manipulative.

Overall we do want what is best for dd - and we still believe that would be an open relationship with bmom would benefit dd as well as bmom - but at the same time aren't willing to risk bringing chaos into our lives due to poor choices on the part of bmom.

Thank you for the comments - as I always want to hear another perspective to be sure we are being considerate.

[LisaCA]

it's clear this is a difficult one. you might send bmom some phone cards so that she can call, send tons of photos when you first arrive, even if you don't have the time (unpacking and all) take the time.

I think also helping her pay the cost of a visit might be nice. Your child will appreciate getting to know her, plus it will keep your relationship together as well.

our dd is 14.5 months, and we visited bfamily (we live 2000 miles away). we made a committment to ourselves to try and get out there as much as possible, hoping to see them at least once a year. It's expensive and we're not rich, but we've made this committment to ourselves and dd. we viewed adopting dd not just adding a daughter to the family, but acquiring a new set of relatives (who, happily, we like) with committments and the like. fortunately her bfamily feels the same way.

and I can understand not wanting bmom to stay with you-none of my relatives are allowed to stay with me, but you can help to put her up in a hotel or something, or maybe other family members can provide a place to stay. All the moves you make in this first year or so are the groundwork for your future relationship. anything you can do to reach out your heart and arms to her will at least give you comfort that you've done what you need to do to maintain a good relationship for your child.

good luck with everything including the move! we're planning a move next year and ugh, it seems like it will be 3x as hard with a kid around than before .

lisa

[Missourimomtobe]

I don't believe you should be expected to pay for her trips to visit, house her if she does visit, or pay any other expenses, such as phone cards, etc. You say the bio mother knew all along that you were planning to move out of state (and in Alaska, it's not like any state is going to be a quick day trip) yet she still chose you to place her child with. Clearly, she believes you are the best people to raise the child and make good decisions for his/her future. Sometimes, those decisions become very difficult ones that mean little or no physical contact with the bio parents.

While it would be great if you can arrange for an occasional visit back to Alaska, the fact remains that this is your family and you must do what is in your family's best interests. Not all open adoptions need visits to be successful; keeping the lines of communication open and continuing letters, pictures and/or phone calls are all certainly acceptable methods of providing contact as the child may need it.

Don't feel pressured into providing anything, in my opinion. You were honest about your plans, even if they have been moved up, and you should not feel guilty about this move in any way. It's unfortunate that she will not partake in counseling; it must make it feel as if you need to "fix" things for her when in reality you do not. Perhaps you can let the agency know of your plans and ask them to contact her to help her through the transition?

Peace,

[sneezyone]

Originally Posted by Missourimomtobe

I don't believe you should be expected to pay for her trips to visit, house her if she does visit, or pay any other expenses, such as phone cards, etc...While it would be great if you can arrange for an occasional visit back to Alaska, the fact remains that this is your family and you must do what is in your family's best interests...letters, pictures and/or phone calls are all certainly acceptable methods of providing contact..."

I was thinking the same thing but didn't say it since it went against the prevailing wisdom here. I honestly can't see how this is any different than DH and I living out of state from my parents and siblings. I don't pay for their airfare or lodging and they don't pay for mine. My mom scrimps and saves but manages to come and see me. In 7 years we've paid for my DH's baby sister (15) to have a spring break visit and for she and DH's stepdad (70+) to come out one Christmas but they're basically dirt poor and never would have made the trip if we hadn't paid (and believe me, it was a stretch for us to afford it). In the absence of extreme poverty, I just can't see forking over the dough - even for family. Somehow, my parents and I manage to have a thriving, healthy relationship communicating by phone, email and the occasional compilation DVD . I think the same can/should be done in this situation.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well on the counseling thing... counseling is not for everyone.. and IMO isnt very helpful unless you are at the point that you WANT it... If she doesnt want it... then I dont think it is unfortunate.

That said.

I dont think that having the agency do the dirty work is the way to go, either.

When weighing the pressure... I would probably keep in mind that pressure or not sometimes we do things that we dont want to simply because it is the right thing to do. And ultimately that is up to you to decide what that is... along with the birthmom. Im assuming open adoption means open adoption and the agency isnt acting as a go between.... if that is the case... close or not...then just as she chose you to parent... you guys took her circumstances on, too.

Probably ultimately you may never be that close like you said... but then again.. you never know.. maybe you might. Just do what feels right at each given moment. You dont HAVE to make rules for the rest of your life right now.

Talk to her.. and then assess the situation after... you can imagine a million different things right now.. .but none of them may be what actually plays out...

[clshepherd]

Thanks all for the great comments and suggestions. Like missourimom and sneezy, we don't pay for our family to come visit and still maintain great relationships with our immediate family. I guess that is where our hesitation comes in - as to what could be expected and in actuality we won't know until the situation comes up. Number1 - you are so right that we don't have to make the rules for the rest of our lives. We'll strive to stay fluid and let the relationship develop as will be best for our family and our dd. Of course in a perfect world that would be for everyone to maintain communication - so she grows up self confident and sure of her identity - like we all want for our kids.

I would love to view bmom as family - but due the choices that she continues to make, we must maintain distance. We have told her that we are moving at the end of October - she was a bit shocked and disappointed, but we quickly followed up scheduling a visit for this weekend and letting her know that we were open to visiting more frequently in this last month before we leave.

We do plan to let her know that letters/pictures/cards will still come her way w/o fail. That is a promise I can make and stand by without trouble. We are trying to approach this proactively, with compassion for bmom's feelings while at the same time trying to get ourselves moved and all the stress it entails.

Thanks all - it is much appreciated.