[irish11970]

Hi all,
My husband and I are in an open adoption. We are finalizing on 9/23. YIPEE! We are planning her baptism in October and I was wondering if I should invite the birth family. My sister is the only one who has met any of them since my whole family is in another state. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, especially D's birth mother. I also don't want my family to feel like they have to mask excitement at getting to see their first grandchild/neice since they do live so far away. I am very torn because J's ( birth mother) family and DH and I get along great.
Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
Many Blessings,
Jenn

[tobeafamily]

Jenn,

We invited everyone - birth & adoptive, and warned the 'new' branch of the family (Ryan's birth family) that the 'adoptive' members could be a little overwhelming. Ours is a fully open adoption.

I would hope they don't mask their excitement at your daughter because her birth family is present. It may be very heartening (along with painful) for biological family to see how welcomed and loved their child is with their adoptive family - rather than being treated as 'less' because the child is not 'blood'. Since I've never placed a child though, I can't really say beyond my speculation.

HTH JMHO

Regina

[Lynard1210]

Hi Jenn,

Our daughter's baptism is in two weeks and we did not invite anyone from the birth family because of strained relationships. I don't necessarily recommend that, but thought I would share. Congratulations!

Lynard1210
Closed Illinois adoptee
Mom to Matthew, age 11
Mom to Marilyn, age 9 mos (finalized adoption 6/24/05)

[wanttobeparents]

We invited the birthparents, birthgrandparents, foster parents, social workers and family. We had about 25 at the church and 50 at the house afterwards. We instructed family and close friends on etiquette so no one would ask bmom stupid questions, the birthparents threatened their family as well.

Everything went smoothly; the birthparents sat on the front row with us, declined to stand up front, held hands with us, and were delighted to be there. At our house afterward, Michael rolled over for the first time. I was out of the room at the time, the birthfamily saw it. I was drawn back by the resulting cheers! They were not uncomfortable at the excitement of family members, they were comforted by it since they knew their child was loved and welcomed.

The downside. (C'mon, you know there had to be one!) They were a little overwhelmed by meeting so many family members at once. Birthgrandma was also worried about what our families attitude about birthfather would be. She didn't want anyone looking down on her son. I reminded her that they would love him for chosing us to be Michael's family, that he had done nothing wrong, but made the best choice he could for himself and his child. We would not have Michael if it wasn't for him.

I'd ask them to be there and let them decide if they are comfortable enough. If not, try to set up a time for a visit the same week so they can at least see her.

Peggy

[LisaCA]

we invited bfamilies to the christening which was out of state for them, about 1000 miles away. Bmom was out of the country and couldn't come, but her parents did and it was wonderful. we enjoyed having them there and were touched that they could be there.

lisa

[irish11970]

Thank you all so much for all of your replies. I think I have decided to invite them. I agree that it might make them feel good to see how many people love her. Also being a birth mom too, it would be nice for my mom to meet J's ( birth mom) mom. The birth grandma has been having a harder time of this than J, and I think my mom and her would have a lot to talk about. My mother and I have talked at length about B-gma and how sad she has been. My mom has offered herself as support through me for her, but she hasn't said she wanted her # yet.
Thanks again for all the feedback!
Many Blessings,
Jenn

[LisaCA]

about bgrandma: bmom's mom and dad had some difficulty with the idea that their granddaughter wouldn't be part of the family I think, though they were 100% on board with her adoption. we let them know from the beginning that we wanted them to remain in dd's life, to remain her grandparents (and dd will call them grandparents). So far it has worked out well and dd has 4 sets of grandparents . If we lived closer (we live 2000 miles apart), I'd have them over often, etc. As soon as dd is old enough, she'll participate in our conversations. btw, we suggested that once bmom leaves home, we'll send bgrandparents pictures too . Maybe this would work well for you and your family.

Lisa

[lisa in venice]

I think often the family of birth family are sort of left out of the loop. So many seem to forget that they are loosing a grandchild, neice, nephew younger sibling etc and often no one offeres any counseling, help or even an ear to listen.

The agency that counseled Sam's birth mom really talked about that and offered as much help/counseling/peer support as they needed. With that said we did invite the entire birthfamily tot he christening. Only Sammy's birth aunt and several of their friends came. I think it was hard for the Bgrandparents. Three years later when we christened our last baby they were ALL there, sitting with the rest of my family. It was a lovely day.

lisa