[cornflakesbrown]

Hello all-

My wife and I have been waiting for a possible match with a birthmother for a year and we have been choosen by a birthmother!!

We are meeting with her and her parents this weekend for the first time.

Any suggestions of do's or dont's? We are both nervous.

[ess922]

Just try to remember that as nervous as you two might be, the potential birthmom and her family will be just as nervous as well!

With our son's birthmom, we never had the chance to meet before he was born. So, perhaps others who have gone through a similar meeting will have more helpful thoughts...

But, what I'd say, is to just take your cues from pbmom and her family. It would be great if you could talk about things other than just the baby, the pg, the adoption etc. Talk about books, movies, shared interests, family traditions, pets, etc. This is possibly the start of a lifelong relationship between you all (whether you maintain openness or not) and it would be wonderful to get to know one another, find areas of commonality, appreciate the differences and genuinely grow to like one another.

Our son's birthmom had a very different life experience than either me or my husband. At first, we liked her but weren't sure there would be any commonalities for us with her. But, over the course of first year and 1/2 of our (completely open) adoption since our son was born, we have talked (and can always talk) about anything and everything. We consider her to be a friend in addition to her special role as part of our family/birthmom to our child.

Good luck! I hope it goes well for you. Please update and/or feel free to post again (or PM if you prefer) with any more questions.

-Ellie

[tobeafamily]

Be yourselves. Nervous, yes, still yourself.

Get to know each other, as people. Don't focus only on the pregnancy, plans, situation, etc. If she brings it up, take things as far as she wants to.

Leave the 'hard' questions to your agency and attorney - questions like status of the biological father, substance use, etc. They are 'pros' at handling sensitive adoption issues. That's what you pay them for.

Again, if she brings it up, acknowledge it. Just don't focus on it or pursue it. If this is a connection, that information will come in time.

Above all be honest. If she says she wants to visit the baby 2 times a week for a year and you're not comfortable with that, then say so. Relationships are built on respect and trust. Both of these qualities require honesty with yourself and others.

Honestly, within 5 minutes of meeting Ryan's bmom we all felt like we had been friends forever. Still do.

HTH Best of luck.

Regina

[coco46]

As a birthmom myself, I'd suggest keeping in mind a couple of simple things that mean so much IMO:

Be yourselves.
Be honest, especially about the level of openness you're prepared for.



Personally, I feel that if a match is meant to be, it will happen. If it isn't a good match, for you or the expectant mom/family, nothing any of you do will really change that. If it doesn't work, trust your instincts. Though it's disappointing, it's so much better to know early and decline the match if things don't seem to work.

DH and I went through a match ourselves earlier this year and decided it wasn't a good situation to pursue. It became obvious that pbmom wasn't entirely comfortable with us or the decision to place in her home state, among other issues that had come up, so we bowed out. I feel much better knowing that she then had the opportunity to find a family she felt fully OK with, or to explore parenting her baby if that's what she chose, without added pressure of trying to "please" us, if that makes any sense. I'm not saying that to dampen your enthusiasm, either. I know this is exciting and scary, and you're nervous already! I just wanted to share my experience to maybe help you if things didn't seem like they were going as you'd hoped.

I truly hope your meeting goes well and this is "the one"...that it works well for all of you. Best of luck!

(Also, one small thing I wanted to point out to you, as a "new member FYI". Here, it's more acceptable to refer to parents considering adoption for their child as "potential (or possible)birthparents", "pbparents", "pbmom", "pbdad", "expectant mom/dad", etc. This is because they are not, in fact, birthparents until the relinquishments have been signed. Just something to keep in mind.)

[Free_to_be_me]

This thread just brought me down memory lane to the first time I met my birthdaughter's adoptive parents. One thing that was really nice was that they brought a photo album with. I was able to see pictures of their house, yard, pets, extended family, friends...They didn't ask if I wanted to see it until at the very end of our interview. We had already had a connection and I don't think any of us wanted the meeting to end. It was supposed to last about 45 minutes. We talked in the office for 1 1/2 hours, then sat on the steps of the agency for half an hour looking at the photos.

If you do decide to bring some pictures, you don't have to show them unless you think it feels right. In my case, this gave us an excuse to hang out a bit longer, learn more about them and make us all more comfortable.

[LucyAnn]

When we met our sons bmom we had only found out about him the day before. He was 15 months old and she was 17. She came with her step mom. We were all very nervous with no time to prepare! We showed her around our house and talked aboout the things we like to do. We also talked about the open adoption. We were as honest as we could be. She especially wanted to know if we would let her still see him. Our answer was of course, but we always reserved the right to make the choices for him as to what was best as time went on!

We have a great relationship with her now, but have changed the rules of her seeing him as time has gone on!

Good Luck!!!!!

[LisaCA]

hi,

one thing that people have hinted at, the honesty thing. There's pressure during these meetings to pretty much agree to anything, esp if you've been waiting forever. think about what you're comfortable with, listen to her, and then agree only if you really agree with her ideas. It's pretty much being honest with yourself about what you want.

that said, don't worry, they've already selected you and your family out of all those others available - that should make you feel great!

take care and good luck!

lisa

[sanielsen]

Good luck! I bet you are so excited!

I think the most important thing to keep in mind is that you and your wife were picked for a reason. The birthmom picked you guys because she felt a connection to you. She looked at many profiles and narrowed them down to you. When you meet, ask her what she saw in you guys and go from there. Most of all, be yourself. If it's meant to be, it will definitely happen!

Good luck on Sunday!

[juliag]

Just as everyone else has suggested....be honest and just be you. We were so nervous meeting out son's birthmom and birthgrandparents for the first time! Within minutes we felt very relaxed though. We brought a scrapbook filled with pictures that highlighted important things about us as a couple. That lead to many conversations of family, friends, and interests so that the focus was not entirely on M's pregnancy. That was the beginning of us forming a very real and important friendship with our son's birthfamily. Good luck!

[karmagirl7]

I can only tell you what I loved about meeting my sons a parents. I loved that they listened without judgement, and extended sympathy, without being mushy about it. I loved that they were in love with each other, and their dog, and they were happy with life without a child, but knew that they wanted to share that happy life with a child. They let me know about their family, in detail of how large, how they react to each other, that they were all local for the most part. I ended up loving them almost as much as my son!! Be yourself....if you're nervous, be nervous-it will make her more comfortable to know that she isn't the only one to feel that way. Good luck to you all-my love and thoughts follow all involved through the process!! Danielle

[happygmom]

From the perspective of the mother of a daughter who experienced an unplanned pregnancy -

I felt that anyone who called my daughter a birthmother before she had made a decision about her son did not have a clue about what she was going through in making her decision and had no respect for her as a person and would probably never respect her as a person. She felt the same way and refused to talk to anyone who addressed her as a birthmother. I realize that those are strong words, but we had very, very negative reactions to the birth-thing terms. I don't understand it myself so can't explain it well. I guess it made us feel like we were objects to be used by someone.

Be honest with yourselves and the family about how you feel about adoption. If this is to be an open adoption, understand that your meetings with the family are the beginning of a long-term relationship. Dishonestly (on either side) will eventually hurt someone.

Don't make assumptions about the family or judge them. Try to understand what values you share with them and will teach your children throughout their lives. We were all turned off by familes who tried to impress our daughter with their money, accomplishments, careers, house, horses, pets, travel, etc. We have all of that and our daughter will in the future as well. What we really wanted to know was - Are you caring, nurturing people? What values will you teach the child? Will you respect the open adoption agreement? Will you value us as people who care and will always care about the child?

Happy G'Ma