[Jzubric]

We adopted our son a year ago in an open adoption. We have developed a relationship with the birthmother through letters and phone calls on a fairly regular basis (every month or so). We like her a lot and have enjoyed having her in our lives. While we were waiting for our son to be born we spent a good bit of time with our Birthmother and her 16 year old daughter. She also has 2 other children and is raising a nephew.

We talked on the phone a few days ago and are planning on visiting her with our son in the next couple of months and have invited her to Louisville to visit us as well. Today she called and told us that she isn't doing well. She has been in the hospital and just found out that she has cervical cancer and is going back to the Dr. next week to see if it has spread. Of course we were devistated both for her and her family but also for our son. We hope that the prognosis is good and that he will be able to have a relationship with his birthmother as he grows up. She then said that the reason she was calling was that she was having financial difficulty because she has to travel to another town to visit the Dr. She said that she has asked her family to help out but no one is able to. She asked if she could borrow some money ($150 or so) and promised to pay it back as soon as she could.

Most of me wants to send the money immediately. Even though finances are tight, if any of my close friends asked the same of me I would give it to them without blinking an eye. In reality if any of my not so close friends told me the same story and asked for money I would give it to them as well. But because of my nature I have also been taken advantage of by being too trusting and perhaps a little too trusting.

I recognize that this relationship is different. As much as we want to act like we are all just good friends the basis of this relationship is complex. I worry that this alters the relationship and sets us up for a very different future and more requests and more complexity. Suggestions? Advice?

[taramayrn]

No suggestions from me, but I hope a few others will pop up and give you some advice. I have noticed this topic come up on the forums lately.
(((HUGS))) what a tough spot to be in.

[Jensboys]

I think that in THIS situation - with a legitimate medical need, and someone who is vitally important to your family, that its ok to give it. The fact that she hasnt asked in the past, and wants to pay it back PLUS the fact that she is facing a life and death situation - this is probably reasonable. I would in fact GIVE it with no expectation of return.

If the requests continue, face saying no at that time. I can imagine that it was probably humiliating for her to ask in the first place.

Jen

[coco46]

Wow...this is always a tough call. Normally, I am not an advocate of adoptive families lending or giving money to birthparents (either before or after placement). I agree that it can set a difficult precedent and make things awkward. I feel even more odd speaking up here, because another mom asked for opinions on this subject (different circumstances, but still...) recently, and I advised her not to say yes to her child's birthmom's request.

HOWEVER...Based on what you've told us, and how urgent the medical need seems, I agree with Jen in this case. I would say "yes", too.

If she already exhausted her family as a possible source of help, she must have really been feeling awful having to call you in the first place. I know I would have. So I'd just proceed as you already are: treat this as an emergency, one-time request from someone very close to you. Act and think as though it will not be repeated, and gosh, I hope for your sake and hers it doesn't ever have to be.

I'll keep bmom in my prayers and hope for her quick and smooth recovery. You and your family are in my thoughts, too. Good luck.

[OneHappyFamily]

I would not lend money to the biological mother. Never a lender or a borrower be, I believe the saying is. I would not give my biological daughters mother money and I do not think you should either. However if you choose to do so do it as a gift. But I believe you would be opening Pandora's box.

Cathy

[sanielsen]

This is probably late getting to you, but I think if you give her money, I agree, give it as a gift - don't give it with the expectation to get it back. My initial feeling is actually that you should NOT give her the money. Not to be mean or anything, but because it could open the door for future requests and the expectation that you will give it to her.

You could explain that you are giving the money as a gift and it's a one time thing...

I hope things work out!

[jheald]

What a tough call. My initial instinct is to say no, but I'm not the one who has been in a relationship with her for a year or so. I'll be curious to see what you decide.

Janet

[BrandyHagz]

In my opinion, a lot depends on the relationship you have with her. If you consider her a friend, then the fact that she is the birthmother of your child shouldn’t really be an issue.

In 1999, I got a call from a good friend; she was in trouble and needed my help. She and her family had been on mission work overseas and came back to find out that the person who was responsible for managing their finances while they were away had done a fine job of screwing up everything. As a result, they had to hastily sell their home while they decided what they would do next. During this time, they needed a place to stay and I readily offered them a place to call home while they straightened everything out.

They were there for a while, not a long time – a month or so.

What makes my story different from yours but slightly similar is that the friend that called me was my daughter’s adoptive mom.

I’m not sure what it is about adoptive parent/birth parent relationships that make things so difficult when a birth parent reaches out. I gladly offered my hand to them when they were in need, and I know without a single doubt whatsoever that they would do the same for me…that’s what friends do; and while we are permanently connected via adoption, we don’t let that complicate the relationship we’ve worked to build since M’s placement.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do…

[Missourimomtobe]

QUOTE - "I’m not sure what it is about adoptive parent/birth parent relationships that make things so difficult when a birth parent reaches out."

Brandy, I think what makes it so difficult in many cases are a variety of reasons which may or may not apply in any given situation.

a) the legalities involved - state laws are extremely strict and it is impressed upon adopting parents thorughout the placement process that NO monies cross directly between bio and adopting parents. This makes it feel scary post-placement to deal with any kind of direct money dealings even if they may be perfectly legal.

b) some have dealt with situations where the money requests are never ending so the topic becomes quite touchy and begins to feel as if we are expected to support the person for life because we adopted their child. I think some parents have merely seen or heard of these situations and fear the worst; others have experienced it firsthand. Once you feel exploited or somehow pressured in a monetary situation, it's difficult not to feel that way the next time you are asked for money.

c) It may not necessarily be the adoption situation that makes it difficult, it may be simply the fact that lending money to friends or family can often (not always) cause hurt feelings and damage relationships in the long run.
Everyone has their own comfort levels in dealing with money situations when friends or family ask. It's great that you could help in your situation; not everyone has that ability either emotionally or financially.

Frankly, I've been burned before by both family AND friends in monetary situations and have personally made a decision to not help others with straight dollars. You can come live with me, I'll buy you groceries or clothes, I will pay your doctor directly, etc. but I will not hand over cash.

Peace,

[jenand22]

Maybe if you are uncomfortable handing cash you could buy her a pre-paid gas card? Send a card saying how much she is truly in your heart with a gas card of 100 or so to help with her travel exspenses to and from the doctors.


It's a hard situation because I am sure you only love her and want to help.

Thinking of you and hoping things turned out ok.

[Lulu Bug]

Yikes, this is a hard one. On the one hand--she has never asked for money before. Our son's bmom started asking for money in the hospital and never stopped. We got every story in the world. So, that is a good sign that she has not made this a habit with you before.

We also were also given many reasons for WHY she needed money and many were legit sounding--but ultimatly we found that they were all lies. We DID give her money at times, but we knew she was probably lying about why she needed it. I like the advice about giving it as a gift, not a loan. This way you can manage your expectations. Be aware that once she asks, if she is not being totally truthful about it, it will be easier for her to ask again. If she legitimatly needs it--she will use it for what all of us need occasionally, a boost to get her over the bumps life throws at us occasionally.

On that note: there are several charities that help people in her situation. We know about them because we helped our bmom get hooked up w/ them. We felt that they could be a better filter for what her needs really were then we could be. I am not affiliated w/ them in any way and make no claims about them beyond the fact that they exist! One is called Modest Needs. Here is their philosophy from their website "Most persons living paycheck to paycheck earn just barely too much to qualify for any type of conventional assistance. This means they can't receive the help they need to overcome a short-term crisis - until they've already lost everything.
Modest Needs exists because we think there's a better way to do things. As far as we're concerned, no hard-working person should ever have to choose between taking a child to the doctor and putting food on the table."


So true!

There is another one that is specifically for cancer patients that need help during the hard first months of their diagnosis. I just read about it in People Magazine in the last few weeks. It does things like pay backlog on utitlities, pay a month or two of rent, etc. Most things are less then $500. The name slips my mind. Also, most states have an "emergency rent" program. They will pay one months rent for people who may not normally qualify for housing help. It is a one time thing and for emergencies like this. Again, I think the point is to help people over their crisis before they are so far gone that they loose everything. It would be through the state.

Good Luck. :-)

[vera19]

I can only say what i would do...and i would give her the $150, with no expectations of me ever seeing that money again.

On the other hand....with the law and how it states that no money be crossed between the birthparent and the adoptive parents...that makes it tough.

Try not to think about that way..try to look at it as a favor..nothing more nothing less.

Best of Luck