[clshepherd]

Hello all- I'm a new amom to a 9 month old dd - just finalized yesterday. We agreed to an open adoption with visits about once a month and we talk on the phone about every two weeks. Our bmom has had a hard time with her decision, as expected, but is very happy at the same time.
We also have an open arrangement with the bgma - she is a wonderful woman who also wanted this placement to happen.
After a phone call last night from bmom - I'm realizing that the trouble between the biofamily runs a bit deep. The bmom turned to me for support - which I provided last night - but I'm not sure that I want to be in that position all the time. During our conversation I mainly listened. I didn't want to get drug into she said, then I said, type of thing. I also reminded her that she had many options for support through the adoption agency - that she hasn't really choosen to use yet. I want to continue to encourage her to seek the professional help that is just waiting for her, but at the same time, value that by acting as a sounding board I'm helping her to further trust us and be happy with her decision.
Just a bit of background. We've had dd with us since 3 months old. Prior to that bmom had her for a few weeks, bgma had her for a time, and then other women from my church were taking care of her. This is actually the situation that sparked the argument between biofamily. Bmom got upset when bgma reminded her that others had cared for the baby longer than she had. Bmom does have a way of creating an alternate reality to the truth unfortunately.
I would welcome your thoughts/advice on this.

[MNelson]

I understand how this can be stressful, and I agree that you should avoid even being perceived as choosing sides within the family. It is much like any other family relationship in that regard, however sometimes it's even more challenging because you want to keep a positive relationship for the benefit of your daughter and the risk of someone walking away seems to be greater.

If being a compassionate listener is something you feel you can do without compromising other relationships in the family, or your relationship with bmom, then I think there's nothing inherently wrong with it. She is hurting and needs to feel supported. However if you feel that it starts to negatively impact the family dynamic, or makes you less receptive to contact with her, then I would gently set some boundaries. Assure her that she is family and that you want to support her, but that your number one priority is to her daughter and maintaining positive relationships with all of her birthfamily.

Good luck, and know you are not alone in this situation.

[Lynard1210]

Hi CL,

I have a similar situation as you, except that the contact was not spelled out like yours was. I could say many things from personal experience but I don't want to put my emotional baggage on you, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Please be very careful as to how much drama you allow into your family. I have been overly helpful to certain family members in the past and it usually comes back to haunt me (example: birthmom has spread lies about me to everyone she can think of).
I think it's great that you want to help her, but in all reality, you have different interests in this child. She is dealing with a loss that needs the attention of a professional. Putting up strong boundaries will protect you from later hurt and disapointment. The strong boundaries will also help you protect your child as the child gets older and knows the scoop, so to speak. My older son has been through alot surrounding the adoption of his younger sister because of the drama that has transpired. My best advice would be to detach emotionally from what happened pre-adoption and encourage bmom to talk to someone who is more objective than you can be as this child's adoptive parent. Of course, you want to have a positive relationship and I'm not saying "cut her off" or be mean. Just please protect yourself.

Lynn, Illinois closed adoptee
11 yrs old son
8 mo. old daughter (adopted 6/24/05)

"Instead of looking for an example, be one"

[sugarbabysmommy]

While the help from the agency may be just waiting for her to accept, it sounds like she is most connected to you and knows you best. If it were me, I'd encourage my agency to contact her, via phone, a card and let them remind her they are there to help. They may already be doing that, or plan to do it a certain intervals, but I'd want to double check.

[tobeafamily]

Plareb has heard my heart on this. We are in a similar situation, though in our case birth parents fight with each other constantly.

For me, it's about "Being Switzerland". I take no sides, remind them that I love them both and won't hear bad things about the other because those bad things they say are about someone who is a part of our son whom we all love.

I agree with Plareb - be a compassionate listener if your heart can handle it. Part of being a friend to my son's family is my ability to listen well. I just have to jettison some baggage I have (working on it) to help this relationship be healthy for all of us. Part of that was ditching the 'we are perfect family, no issues here!' when in reality we are just as nutso as any other family and part is other things.

OK feel totally like I'm rambling.

Regina

[clshepherd]

Thanks so much for the wonderful advice. Sugarbabys - I think that I might contact the adoption counselor for assistance - as she had opened that door to my hubby and I also. Maybe with a bit more encouragement from them, bmom will be able to accept the offer of professional support.
For the time being I think that I can be the friend that she needs, while remaining Switzerland. I will have to set a few more boundaries - because I do not like to hear the negative things about other members of the birthfamily. I do like them - and we get on well. For our dd sake, I want to maintain that.
I am concerned about bringing drama into our relatively mundane life - but believe that my hubby and I are strong enough to set the boundaries, while maintaining an open relationship.
Thanks so much!!