[timni]

I am a hopeful soon to be adoptive mom. The waiting is almost over and now I need some help. We are in a potential adoption relationship with a good friend of mine. We have been working on this together on this since E was 19 weeks along. Her and I have been and will continue to be very close. I an so honored that she wants me to be a part of her childs life. I am having a hard time address the conflicting feelings I have and I thought perhaps talking to a few Birth mothers might help.

I want to have a child more than anything in the whole world. Without going into the details this has been a long hard road so I know what it feels like to lose a child. E is my friend and I am so upset that she is about to learn what I already know and that is the pain doesn't go away ( you only forget about it for periods of time) So I have been really searching inside myself for the answer to this problem. I even went as far as thinking if I don't adopt the baby maybe she will parent herself. But she says would just find someone else to adopt her child. SO you see I am stuck. I have been working with a counselor on this but they really don't have much experience in adoption. Which is strange but they have lots of experience with me so it is working out. E had refused any counseling she says she doesn't need it. I know she will need someone to talk to and I am not sure it should be me. I am profitting from her pain. GOD I hate how that sounds.

I have been reading the Birthmother threads in order to get a little help understanding the other side of the coin. I have read of all the hurt and pain and regret that you have felt. How can I be apart of that. I have sworn to keep this an extremely open adoption with all parties involved. I have made plans that should help E and I get through this. We have talked extensivley about it together.

As you all can see I could be in over my head here. Do you have any advice or suggestions. Have there been any particullarly succeful situations and what made them different. What should I never do. How can I help her through this time. Even negative comments will be understood and taken for what they are.

[BrandyHagz]

Elaine,

My advice, from reading what you’ve written, is do not put yourself in the position to be this expectant moms resource of support, you will only kill yourself trying to do that.

If she is unwilling to accept counseling, then that is her choice, I did it and I was fine, however, she cant decline counseling and turn around and expect you to be her counselor. Not only does that create boundary issues, but it also creates a hard position for you both to be in.

I suggest you continue to be her friend, listen to her concerns and be her sounding board, if needed, but don’t try to solve her issues, that’s best left to the professionals. If she tries to bring you in as her grief counselor, the best thing you can do is provide her with the resources she will need to help her thru it, one of those resources being a professional counselor.

I think its great that you want to have a fully open adoption, and I think that all of you will grow over time, as has been my experience…but you do need to draw some lines in the sand regarding your involvement in her pain. It is perfectly natural for you to empathize with her or even talk about it with her…but you cant be her birthparent counselor…its not only an unrealistic expectation of the relationship, but in many circles, considered unethical and could be seen as coercion if something, on down the line, were to happen.

Open adoptions are some of the most complex relationships around…you need to meet somewhere in the middle.

[timni]

Thanks so much Brandy I think you are right. I will have to do some side stepping when it comes to her pain with the adoption. I really want her to talk to a professional and I will keep it available for her.

I think it is harder b/c I know the pain of loss and she doesn't yet. I guess it is that protective instinct in me rearing its head. I sometimes think this might have been easier if I didn't know E before the pregnancy. And yet I think we could have a great situation later down the road because of our friendship

[BrandyHagz]

Timni,

Another thing to remember is, while you do have first hand experience of loss, as so many people do, the loss she will be feeling will be different from yours. In a sense, your loss (and I am NOT trying to trivialize it, far from it) has finality and closure, there is no “unknown” and while I do agree, that you will both be experiencing the “what could have beens” she will also be experiencing the loss on a different level. Loss of her ability to parent the child while someone has that ability is one of the key ones.

Again, I am not trying to trivialize your loss, I have experienced pregnancy loss as well as well as fertility issues, and the pain I feel from the placement of my daughter nine years ago is much different than the pain I feel from my other losses (pregnancy, still birth, infertility and the like).

Just remember, you cant actually say, “been there done that” in this regard…although you can speak in regards to general pain of loss and the fact that it never goes away, as you said above…that is very real for both situations.

[timni]

ok I will keep that in mind.

This is what I was looking for. Whether I like it or not. I need to hear this stuff.

[mamacrina]

Elaine-We are having a lot of the same thoughts, I see. I thank you for posting this discussion...I have pm'd a couple bmoms on the board looking for the same answers.

What should I never do. How can I help her through this time.

One thing that kept coming up as an answer to this question was "Always keep your word."

And Brandy, I've said it many times before, and surely will many times in the future--I appreciate your insight and your truth. Thank you.