[nickie's mom]

My Son is 14 1/2 months old--He has been in our home since he was a week old-- Adoption finalize January 2005. I knew his Birthmom before she was pregnant with him--She has 2 other children that she had to relinqish(don't know if that is spelled right) her parental rights the same day that she relinqished them for N. Okay--here is the problem--We have an open adoption and I have no problem with her seeing Nicholas but she only wants to have contact when she is not seeing someone. I will not allow her to bring her men friends around him. I have told her this. She thinks every relationship is THE ONE. The last time she knew that we were having a block party at church--she brought her friend so that she could show off N. to him--I was not impressed--nonetheless 1 week later--they had broke up-- I have told her that I do not want her men friends around N. and she agrees but everytime she does the same thing. After the breakups--she will call, come to the house about every week and bring him presents but as soon as another guy is in the picture--she's gone.
What I need to know is if you all think making an agreement with her. ---She can see him like every 3 months and if she misses that time than she will have to wait until it is time for her to see him again. I don't like to do this but I don't want her to feel like she can just a part of his life when she feels like it. She will always be a prt of our lives. I have always been in her corner but now I have to think of Nicholas.Let me know what you think....

[MissyB9479]

understand being upset. But there is just something about your idea that sort of sits the wrong way with me. To go from weekly visits whenever she wants to 4 set times a year just seems like a huge difference and one that could make her feel like you are trying to shut her out totally.

Are there any other things you can try first before that dramatic step? Maybe a mediation with a church leader where you both can talk about your expectations for the relationship now that he is getting older? It is important to find out her point of view on these issues since she may not realize that her actions have the effect on you. Have you ever sat down and said, "When you would rather spend time with a boyfriend then visiting Nicholas it makes me feel like he is not a priority to you. It's been okay up until now because he was too young to understand it but I am afraid that as he gets older he begin to take it personally." I'm sure you have hinted at this and maybe even thought that by banning her boyfriends would have given her the hint but some people aren't very good with hints. They need things spelled out for them and they need firm boundaries set up.

I'm concerned with her own well being. Running fron relationship to relationship is a quick way to heartbreak. Although it isn't an adoption issue per se it could be something that is made worse by the adoption. i.e. Instead of dealing with the grief over losing 3 children she focuses on finding a man who can rescue her. I don't know if an adoption group would be more helpful to her or just a young women's group. It's just that until she works on her own issues and becomes more mature in general it will be hard to have an equal relationship with her.

[nickie's mom]

I know it sounds drastic from anytime to 4 times a year--Last year we had a talk about her boyfriends and the time that she spends with them compared to the time with Nicholas--I explained that this arrangement was not for her or me but for Nicholas. I think you are probably right about her trying to find a guy to rescue her. She wants someone to help her get her other 2 children(boys--3 & 4 years old.)back even though she does not have parental rights. She is immature--She is 22 years old and there is alot of details of her life I won't go into. As to banning her boyfriends so that she would understand that Nicholas should come before them is not the reason for me not letting her bring them to see Nicholas-- Nicholas is a little boy-He needs love and respect from everyone--even his birthmom--he is not something to show off when you want to prove a point and that is what happens with her--She tells the guys about Nicholas and the open adoption and then she wants to show off. This is from the conversations that we have when she is at the first of her relationships. I am hoping that she will grow up and mature before Nicholas is older-- I will try the talk with her again and then we'll see how it goes. Thanks

[mikki86]

When you originally created your open adoption agreement did it include weekly visits? I agree that setting regular times would be good as long as it is not a huge change from your original agreement. Each situation is so unique and it is difficult to give advice without being one of the parties involved. One aspect of your post that I agree with 100% is not allowing bmom to bring her latest bf with her to visits. We are in a similar situation and my biggest concern with that was not knowing the bf and his family, friends, etc. She has had many in the last 4 years and we are glad that we made that decision. God Bless and keep us posted!

Colleen