[bnsheerose]

I am a birthmom who chose to place with a family that I selected because I knew them and we had what seemed to be a positive relationship. I will be direct and to the point. I always included them in everything during my pregnancy, her birth and the time in the hospital. I put my own feelings aside to ease their fears. I say this not for attention, but just because it's a part of my problem. I only asked for updates and pictures. They agreed. In the hospital, they asked me and my other kids to be part of her life. I was shocked, but I wanted it sooo much. The made several promises to me and my other kids. The following year, I received one picture and two notes. I was very disappointed, but I never pursued asking them about anything. Next month, she will be 4 years old. We have seen her a few times. I have kept a lot of my feelings to myself. I have always put them first. The negative side is that it's eating at me. My hurt, disappointment, and anger. They have mentioned in the past that their friends have warned them about all the things that happen in adoption (none of which I have done or ever intend to do). I feel so confused. I am afraid that I if I lay things on the line and express how I feel, that I will lose her forever. On the other hand...would it be worse than what it is right now. I let my daughter go, because I loved all three of my little girls...and I wanted her to have more than what I could give her...and I was in a nasty situation with my other daughters' father. I was struggling. I am trying to understand how I became threat to her parents?? I gave them everything I could...I trusted them with my precious baby's life, and have done nothing wrong...why are they doing this to me? I'm sorry....I don't mean to sound bad...but my heart is breaking and this is controlling my life right now...it's tearing me apart. I am just trying to understand...why they didn't keep their word to me? Why, now that they have her, we're not important anymore? I want to be honest with them, but all these years, I have kept it mostly to myself because of fear. If anyone can help me, I'd appreciate it..thankyou.

[cathy102]

I am so sorry for your pain. The adoptive family should honor you with what they promised. I don't get when adoptive parents will send only one or two pictures.. That is an insult to the birthparents. I am so worried that I don't send enough but I send alot. I would be honest with the adoptive family. You don't need to be going through any more of this. If you don't tell them, things will get worse for you. Just be honest and open with them. Do you get to talk on the phone or email them? Your daughter is 4 now, things can still change for the better for everyone involved. Just let them know that you are not trying to take their places as parent. Maybe write down some things you will like to say to them. If they are caring at all, they will want to make some changes for you...

One more thing. Some adoptive families are threatened by birthfamilies for some dang reason. I think they watch too many dumb movies on Lifetime.. Please know that I will keep you in my prayers that things will change for you...

Take care and PM me if you need to talk to an Adoptive mom.. Thank God I keep my promises to my kids birthmom's...

PS..Your daughter's parents should be forever grateful to you that you allowed them to parent your daughter..

[HappyTwinsMom]

I agree with Cathy...too much Lifetime movie watching going on, so we wind up with really strange adoptive parents.

I am so sorry that they are not honoring their promises to you. I can't imagine anything worse than saying what it takes to "get a baby" and then dropping the ball on everything you've promised.

Wish I had some great advice for you, but I don't. Just a big hug!

[bnsheerose]

It seems that the only time that I hear from them is usually if I have called them to let them know my change of addy...etc. I have maybe called a handful of times over the years. Her mom tells me that they think of me, that they were meaning to get ahold of me, but yet they don't seem to do anything about it. I mean, it's not like this isn't important enough to take some time for! They have told me that she is so important to them, that she's their world, etc. They said they were afraid I can understand that!
This last spring, I married my b/f of 3 years (not her father). I now also have a 4-1/2 month old son (my only son). I cannot express the guilt I felt for wanting to be happy...when we started buying him things while I was pregnant, I just broke down. I love him and his father dearly. Sometimes, I am afraid that they think that now that I have him, I won't need her. I saw them briefly in December, for the first time in
Some days, I actually want to scream..."how dare you treat me like this?!?!"...I don't; but I feel it. I am trying very hard to sort this all out rationally, but there are days that my emotions get the better of me. I appreciate your response; thankyou!!

[cathy102]

Congrats on your new son. My son's birthmom has a almost 4 month old. We email about once a week and she tells me how she wished she could of parented Sean. I feel so bad for her but atleast we get to email each other.. She is happy about that...

If there is anything I can do. Please just ask. I will keep checking your thread.

Take care and I hope things will get better for you.

[Kara J]

I am an adoptive mom and am so very sorry for all of your pain and what they are putting you through. Not only are they hurting you, they are depriving her of her brother and sister. What they are doing isn't right. I have always felt that honesty is the best measure, so I really feel that you may need to tell them exactly how you are feeling. They may be oblivious to the way that you are feeling and not doing this intentionally... some people just get so involved with thier own lives and get so self absorbed that they don't give others a thought. I truly hope that this is the case. I can understand that they may be a little frightened, but the adoption is final.... They should focus on what is important any way... your daughter.... what is best for her???... They should cast their fears aside and do what is right by her.... let her have the relationship with you and her brother and sister that they promised 4 years ago... Please keep us posted... You are and willl continue to be in my thoughts and prayers! Love and Hugs!!! ... Kara
P.S. Congrats on your new husband and baby boy! May you have MANY years of happiness!

[momofmykids]

Rose,
((((HUGS)))), I have an idea of how this hurts you. I helped my friend place her baby girl in Dec. 03. Like you, the aparents promised her not only the moon, but the stars, too. They have yet to even send ONE picture. The aparents are my neighbors, and I see baby J sometimes (the amom acts like I have the plague...WEIRD, the adad treats me like a queen!) and they sent me 4 small pictures of her at Christmas. I guess to pass along to the birthmom who is one of my best friends. You know, the bottom line is this...she would have placed with them even if they had insisted on a closed adoption. I don't know why they felt the need to make promises that they didn't keep.

It hurts my friend's feelings, but she's sure she made the right decision whether they honor their promise or not. She has relocated to my part of the world permanently (YIPPEE!!) and has found her soulmate and gotten married. But I still know she hurts because of the broken promises.

I SOOOO wish so much that p.a.parents would not get so "wrapped up in the moment" that they make promises that they won't keep. It's not fair to anybody involved.

I pray for peace for you.

[aspenhall]

If you just ask and explain what you need...without necessarily going into details why or any intense emotion...I would imagine that they would respond favorably. ALSO having a 4 yr old myself, I don't even talk to my best friends hardly at all like I used to...there just doesn't seem to be the time. Parenting is SO much harder than I thought it would be. Unfortunately, A's bmom requested no contact for a while and that has made it hard for me. I have MOSTLY respected her wishes. About every 6 months I send a simple email hoping all is well with her family and re-stating that we are still open to contact and have lots of pictures/stories to share whenever she feels ready. No response yet. I am hoping that by keeping the door open a crack it will be easier for her to reach out rather than if it had been years with no contact.

These aparents you have described seem to be somewhere in the area of "lost in daily life/good intentions/moderate fears/loss for words around you" maybe they are anxious about what should be shared and how much detail. If they lean toward perfectionism, this can easily become a thing that doesn't happen for fear of not getting it right or no adequate time to prepare it right. They may also sense you have needs and be scared by that.

Try coming up with a list of things that you always want to know...a questionaire of sorts (aparents have LOTS of experience with forms and such) and then suggest a timetable of contact. For example, a phonecall on the first and third sunday of every month. Letter and pictures every 6 months and emails whenever. The questions should be similar to what has she learned most recently....how has she grown physically....any funny thing that she has said/done since the last time....favorite storybook/movie/show.....etc. I know sometimes things seem to be at a standstill day to day (to me) and gaps in time help make these milestones more visible and easier to recall. If you do decide to tell them how you feel, post here first and we can help edit. I know sometimes it feels like I am somewhat responsible for bparents pain and having to interact with someone when you feel that way makes you feel unworthy and riddled with guilt. Perhaps they are afraid of showing you reality and are simply trying to be the fairytale parents you hope they are. Mistakes are hard to admit anyway without the added pressure of adoption. AND nothing makes you feel so inadequate as parenting a smart, strong, determined 4 yr old.

I hope I helped some. Feel free to pick my brain anytime...

[michellemartin]

I thought I posted on this thread! Guess it didnt go through. Anyway... said I would find this letter technique. I really like it and hope it works for you to either work your feelings out on your own or to give to them.

I hope everything works out for you and all your children .

I’ve used it to give to people and I’ve used it and not shared the letter also. So its to share or for journaling.

Feeling Letter Technique by Dr. John Gray

Sections of the letter:
Anger
Sadness
Fear
Remorse
Love and other positive attitudes

Some starter sentences…
Anger:
I don’t like…
I resent…
I feel frustrated…
I feel furious…
I want…

Sadness:
It hurts…
I feel disappointed…
I feel sad…
I feel unhappy…
I wish…

Fear:
It is painful…
I feel worried…
I feel afraid…
I feel scared…
I need…

Remorse and Apologies:
I apologize…
I feel embarrassed…
I am sorry…
I feel ashamed…
I am willing…

Love, understanding, gratitude, forgiveness:
I love…
I appreciate…
I realize…
I forgive…
I would like…
I trust…

[wanttobeparents]

Bnsheerose,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish it could be different for all of you. It's not fair for them to go back on their word and keep siblings apart after wanting you all in her life.

Many things may be going on.

1. They could be busy and have no idea how much their lack of contact hurts you. Many adoptive parents believe that a reminder of the baby hurts the birthparents and try to back off to give you healing time. After backing off, sometimes it's difficult to get close again.

2. Lifetime movie syndrome. As the others have posted.

3. They could have listened to their ignorant friends and actually think that you are a threat to them. People are constantly trying to correct me in my open adoption insisting that they know better than I do what those horrible birthparents are capable of doing. I laugh in their faces and walk away. But people really do debate me on how wrong open adoption is. It would be easy for someone to be swayed if they were not sure of their decision or secure in their position of parent.

What can you do? Write them a letter telling them how much you look forward to updates to open the door a little. Aspenhall gives a great example of how to do that and what to include. Post your letter here, or Private Message several of the people to double check it for you if you are a little uncomfortable with sending it or afraid of hurting feelings.

The adoptive parents made promises they did not keep. That isn't right for anyone to do. Your children deserve to know each other, and you deserve to know your daughter.

Peggy
Adoptive mom to two boys.

[bnsheerose]

I want to thank you all, so far, for your understanding and suggestions...it's nice to have support and I do see the possibilities of where they are coming from and the importance of relaying my feelings, too...here in my town, there are support groups for a-parents, but nothing really for b-parents. I will keep you all in touch and may toss some drafts your way! Your b-moms are very blessed to have such understanding people in their lives. I can only hope that as time goes by, I may have the same!

[bnsheerose]

By the way, I think that one of the problems I have telling them how I honestly feel, is that I am the type of person who naturally doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings; I'm afraid that if I tell them, I will make them feel bad...so I guilt myself more about that...you know, the I feel bad because I made you feel bad because I feel bad...etc...
Yeah...I think God blessed me a bit toooo much in the heart department

Thanks, again!

[mroot]

bn - I am so sorry that you had to go through this! I am an adoptive mom and it really bothers me when adoptive parents do not follow through on their promises to birthparents. We turned down a match once because the birthmom indicated that she wanted once a month visits and we knew that arrangement would not work for our family. We have always been upfront in the beginning as to the amount of contact we would be willing to have, with the previso that we would allow the relationship to take it's natural course beyond that.

I like the letter format that MichelleMartin sent you. At a minimum, it would be a good way to get your thoughts on paper. It could also be a good way to structure a letter to the adoptive parents to express your concerns and desires.

I truly wish you the best and hope all works out for you!!

[MNelson]

Originally Posted by bnsheerose

By the way, I think that one of the problems I have telling them how I honestly feel, is that I am the type of person who naturally doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings; I'm afraid that if I tell them, I will make them feel bad...so I guilt myself more about that...you know, the I feel bad because I made you feel bad because I feel bad...etc...

Yeah...I think God blessed me a bit toooo much in the heart department

Thanks, again!

One way to overcome that is to focus on the future and how to fix the problem, rather than illuminating past pain they have inflicted upon you. Since it could very well be complacency rather than malicious intent, they might just need a perspective adjustment. Maybe say to them: "As <your dh> is getting older and more cognizant of her family, I'd like to increase some interaction with me and her sibs. I think it would benefit everyone." Something along those lines.

Best wishes, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this stress. Often times though the stress of what we think someone's thinking (which is usually the worst) is lessened once converstation starts. (((Hugs)))

[lisa27048]

I have been chosen by a family members friend that I do not even know to adopt their daughter and we are being told that we can not because we cant do private adoptions and I am just trying to figure all this out and see what we can do anyhelp would be great.