[Snorky]

Hi! I'm sure that this question has been asked a million times before, but here's the 1000001th time. How do you refer to your child's birthmom (Or, if you're a birthmother, how would you like to be referred to as?)? We adopted DD at birth, she is now 6 months old. Last weekend, birthmom, her parents, sister and brother were up for DD's baptism. I asked her birthmom how she would like me to refer to her as, and she kinda brushed the question aside (she has always been very quiet with me). I covered by saying "well, DD will probably come up with something when she's older, but think about it". I don't have a problem referring to her parents as Grandma X and Grampa X and her siblings as Aunt and Uncle, but I'm a bit stuck with her birthmother. "Mother" or "mom" for her birthmother make me a bit uncomfortable. I realize that I'm probably being selfish and insecure, but that's where I am right now.

Thanks for your input.

[Jensboys]

We use a first name, as I think most aparents do. But one of the neatest I ideas I have heard came from a forum member here whose son refers to his birth mom as "be-ma" and his birth dad as "be-da". A neat term of endearment that is special to the child and the bparents.

Good luck!

Jen

[tobeafamily]

That would be us, Jen. We were stuck on this too. Ryan came up with his own names for his bparents when he was a little over a year. They are Bema and Beda. He was pretty definite on that.



Regina

[Big Dreamer]

Hi,

Star is two we call Heather by her first name. We also call Heathers parents by their first name.

Heather and I talked about how to handle "The Names".

Although Heather and her family see Star quite often Heather wanted to make sure that everyone was clear who MOM & DAD are as well as who is raising her and making all the choices to give her the best life possible. As a result we did not attach Aunt, Uncle or Grandma or Grandpa to anyone’s names from her family.

As time goes on and the relationships continue to grow then we may attach Aunt, Uncle etc but for now first names are what work for us.

By the way…though Heather loves Star with all her heart she has often says that Star is our (mine and Roberts)daughter and she doesn’t want to confuse her especially since she (Heather) does not have any type of maternal instincts or feelings toward Star.

Before Star was born I often referred to her as our daughter I recently referred to Star as our daughter during a conversation with Heather and she said hearing “Our Daughter” made her uncomfortable. Heather said “This is your daughter; you raised her from the moment she was born. I love her but want you to know that I prefer that you refer to her as your daughter because you are the only “mom” who will kiss her boo boos, tuck her in at night and give her all the love and tools she needs so that she can have the best life possible”.

I will respect her wishes though it is hard to not refer to Star as “Our daughter”.

Everyone handles things different for now this is what works for us.

Best wishes,
Maria

[Montraviatommyg]

My bson's adoption was closed (in reunion now) so it wasn't an issue but if it had I would have wanted to be referred to by my first name. His parents are the ones who brought him up so therefore have the automatic right to be called mum and dad.

Philippa

[shylagirl]

We also just go by the first names. Our dd bmom shruged off the ? when we asked so we did what we were most comfortable with.

[ess922]

In the days immediately following our son's birth we wondered about how to refer to bmom. We came up with Momma _____(first name) and she loved it. It tells him who she is but without confusion. It works for now since our baby is so young but we fully expect and hope that he'll have the ultimate say on what he calls his birthmom as he grows up.

[DebCsMom]

We to call our children's Birth Moms by their first names. The grandparents & aunts are all called by that title. It's difficult for the Bparents to not have the "title" but they understand. I like the Be-ma, too.

Deb

[icunurse]

We use titles for all the other relatives, but call "T" by her first name. I was brought up with the thinking that children shouldn't call adults by their first name (and, no, I'm not THAT old ), so I'm hoping that as time goes by DS will come up with a name to call "T" that is a little more affectionate and all her own.

[Snorky]

Thanks! We've been referring to DD's birthmother by her first name and am glad to hear others are doing the same. We'll see how it goes, DD's birthmother may come up with a name (or indicate that she has a preference) or we may just wait for DD to come up with something.

[Ragnarok]

Our birth son calls us Auntie L and Uncle B. I like it, it recognizes a familial attachment without mother/father titles. His parents call us by our first names.

[Tigger27]

Both sets of aparents have always responded with calling me by my first name.

Sometimes, my 2 yr old's aparents have sent me things calling me, "Mommy A" as a way of distinguishing also. My/Our (mine & aparents) 2 yr old has just recently been calling me by my first name when she sees my photo so that's how she is referring to me at 2 yrs old.

Anne

[DaynasBMom]

I'm in an open adoption, the B Mom, my daughter either calls me mom or My Birth Mom...she calls her adopted Mom. I actually when I write if I mention her at all, I refer to her as your mom or mom as well. Dayna's AMom actually has told me that she appreciates that I do this.

[HBV]

First names for both. We have had two awkward exchanges---bdad's parents are divorced and have each remarried. They are all interested in maintaining contact. In our first meeting w/ the paternal bgrandmother, she brought along her daughter (bdad's sister) and granddaughter, who's 9. The little girl was somehow upset by the idea of the adoption and demanded to know if the baby was going to call the grandmother "Mimi" (which is apparently what all of her grandchildren call her.) I told her I didn't know and we'd figure it out when he was big enough to talk.


We had another similar moment w/ bgrandfather's wife, who wants the baby to call her Memaw (again what her own grandchildren call her.)

I'm not sure I'm all that comfortable with either of these, because: 1) The wife and the bgrandmother apparently don't get along, and I'm not interested in being in the middle of that and 2) I am feeling a little crowded by both bfamilies.

It's a little early to worry about it, since he can't talk yet. Any suggestions for me?

[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm Jenna. That's my name, ya know.