[jaydensmommy]

Hi, I appologize in advance for rambling, but here's my situation. I have had my son since he was two days old (my 15 y/o nephew is the biological father).

It was our son's first birthday today, and although most of it went well, I am left with some frustration as to what to do or how to confront my sister. Here's the situation. A friend at the party is an adoptee. My sister asked her if she was ever able to find her "real parents." I piped in that her adoptive parents are her real parents. She said no they're not, she has adoptive parents and then "her biologicalparents - meaning that they were her real parents." I got very pissed off atthat point, but since it was a party and lots of others were around, I let it go for the time being. In addition, when she is around people and her son is around, she talks about our son as my nephew's son (like we're not even right there). An example tonight, she asked him how his friends (three know of the birth and adoption) liked "his son." I wanted to right there say, no, he's my son. He gave up his rights when he signed the papers. She continuest o make comments like that. When I have talked to her about the future, our son going to college, etc., she just said "oh, I thought (insert nephew'sname) would be taking care of that when he gets out of college (her son's failing high school right now - but that's not the point). He's our responsibility and our responsibility to provide for him - if someone else wants to help,I don't have a problem with that, but I don't want her to assume that we're just babysitting. Although I have thought these things I haven'ts said anything to her about it. I do think I need to confront her on some of this though.

Inaddition, the bmother insists when she's writing him to sign it mommy. I talked with her at christmas. I asked her that If she wanted to put the name mommy, then to put "mommy (insert her name). She told my other sister (not the biological grandmother) that she is doing it to just upset me. Today, on his 1st birthday card she did the samething.

Don't get me wrong, I am glad that they are in my son's life, but I am upset that they are making these comments and I feel it is going to get worse as he gets older and begins to understand more. I want to get a handle on thisright now: 1) Before our son startsto understand more and these comments are made aroundhime; and 2) Before I get really angry and say something I'm going to regret.

Anyone have any suggestions how to go about this?

Debbie
Amom to Jayden (1 yr old today)

[tobeafamily]

Hi Debbie,

Well it's true what they say "Denial isn't just a river in Egypt". I think your son's biological parents and biological grandparent are grieving. Denial is a stage of this - the "This isn't really happening" stage.

First, be patient. Jaden knows exactly who his parents are despite what anyone says. I can say it probably will be devistating the first time his biological parents/grandparents call themselves 'mommy', 'daddy' or 'grandma' and your two or three year old will quite adamently say "you're not my XXX". Or when they cry for mommy and only want you, not them.

I do think you need to talk with your aunt about some things, especially since it appears she's pretty adament about her and her son's 'role'. Perhaps though you should bring in a 'neutral' third party to help? Someone like a religious leader, counselor trained in adoption issues, etc. Remember she is grieving and may be embarrassed too about her son's 'failings'. Her way of coping is to ignore them and pretend it isn't happening. A counselor may get y'all out of confrontation and into healing.

Lastly, be secure in who you are to Jaden. It truly doesn't matter what others say, because to Jaden it's irrelevant.

Hang in there.

Regina

[numbr1dbcksfan]

One more... If your nephew is 15, Im assuming the birthmom is close to that... and remember that immaturity is probably the predominant reason that they placed anyway. Think back to your 15-16 year old antics....

I think if you are dealing with teen rebellion then confronting her on it will just make her do it more... I would just look the other way and then as she matures... (by the time the baby is old enough to know the difference) she will have hopefully laid off... and if not.. THEN she will be old enough to say.. look I thought you would grow out of this stage.. but now I need to put my foot down....

Hopefully it wont come to this... 1 year is a hard milestone.

As for your sister... I think that family adoptions HAVE GOT to be more touchy... I couldnt imagine. I know that I claim my birthdaughter as my daughter... etc... but it isnt "in the adoptive parents face" and I would probably only refer to her by name in their presence if that were ever to happen. I think the whole concept of you child having two sets of parents has GOT to be harder with everyone so close... when normally grandparents would claim their grand children.... adopted or not.... it seems like undermining in this type of situation.

Plus she may just be trying to show loyalty to her son.. or be conscious of her sons feelings... and not really meaning to hurt yours.. Ultimately THAT, as his mom, IS where her loyalty belongs....(IMO)

Ultimately... everyone should know that if the birthfather is to have more involvement in his sons life it will be up to his son... (Your son... I think it is ok for both parties to claim....) MUCH later...

That being said.. I think that you have a right to talk about the issue with your sister... since she IS the adult in the situation... but if you really dont think it is personal toward you..then I would give it thought as to whether the talk is REALLY warranted... or if it will cause more tension. Talking or not, at this point is NOT going to change that YOU are parenting this child!

As for the other adoptee asked whether or not she was looking for her "real" parents... well I suppose it would depend on how it went down.. If you cut in to a conversation that you werent involved in.. then I say let it drop... if you were stepping in because she was fumbling for an answer then I would -- during the same talk with your sister -- make it clear that neither set of parents is more real than the other... and to please try to refrain from saying those type of things in the future...


Happy 1 year Bday to Jayden!