[drama mama]

I know I am opening a can of worms but I am curious how others have walked this out. In reading about open adoption. It states. Although birthmother will always be the birthmother they are not the parent. This is a very vague statement. I realize open adoption is supposed to give the child security of knowing the birthfamily loves them. And also to allow the birthfamily to have contact with their offspring. But Have you found the lines sometimes get blurred. When our birthmother calls and asks specific questions I feel like I am the babysitter and she is critiquing my parenting. I see how the relationship benefits the birthparents. But how does it benefit the adoptive parents? Couldn't the same level of security etc.. be established through a semi-open adoption where when the child desires more info the birthparent can be contacted. IF the adoptive parents are the parents and the birthparents have GIVEN this role over to them.. WHY share the role with them.
It seems confusing to me. What is the definition of parent. If the birthparent gives up all the responsibility that parenthood requires but is still allowed all the benefits of parenting.. Seeing his milestones.. Visiting him. being apart of his life. I really desire some perspective.
Thanks,

[Jensboys]

DramaMama -- I assume you are in the first few years of parenting and in an open adoption. Those first few years ARE the hardest because the pay offs for the child (and you as the child's parent) are the hardest to see. I can only promise that as your child ages it will become infinitely clearer what the roles are responsibilities are.

For example, do you talk to your mom or sister about your baby? Do you discuss his progress, his new feats, the way his smile makes your day, his new tooth and the fact he loves peaches but hates peas? Sharing those things doesnt really detract from your parenting - and yes, they will probably attend birthday parties and be invited to school concerts.

I often say now (my kids are 10, 9, 7, 4) that my sister could live in our basement and my kids could see her EVERY day but she still wouldnt be "mommy". It wouldnt threaten me (unless she tried to discipline or take over my role as "mommy"). In the same way, visits with birthparents, letters and phone calls dont take anything away from me. My kids KNOW who their parents are -- and it has not so much to do with title as it does with the day-in, day-out constantness of contact. Its relationship building.

At around age 2 or 3 your son will "fall in love" with you. It has happened with every little boy I have ever seen -- yes he will love his birthparents, and his grandmas and his aunts/uncles/cousins but for those few precious months the sun will rise and set on mommy. Then comes preschool and kindergarten. Mother's Day teas, halloweens, Christmases.

You are going to hold a million precious memories. The key to his heart. You will be forever his "mommy". A relationship with his other mother will NEVER take that away from you. I know its hard to see, but right now you get EVERYTHING. The phone calls and the visits are small scraps compared to the depths of relationship you will get from/with your son.

I can also say that having contact (especially now as my kids are older) has been VERY beneficial to them. The security they get from the relationship is something I couldnt of given them alone. IT IS worth it. I promise.

Jen

[drama mama]

I often say now (my kids are 10, 9, 7, 4) that my sister could live in our basement and my kids could see her EVERY day but she still wouldnt be "mommy". It wouldnt threaten me (unless she tried to discipline or take over my role as "mommy"). In the same way, visits with birthparents, letters and phone calls dont take anything away from me. My kids KNOW who their parents are -- and it has not so much to do with title as it does with the day-in, day-out constantness of contact. Its relationship building.

I have thought about this statement for the past two days.. It has helped. I know when I see the birthfamily with my child I am not threatened.. I rejoice in being able to share our child with them...etc..
I know I am the mommy.. But the legal issues, lies, betrayal demage to our relationship.. brings out fears and stress beyond compare...
Things I would usually rejoice over I cringe because of the lack of trust... Because of all this mess.
Thanks for giving me a broader perspective. You are right when our son is 3 years from now, etc.. This will not be an insecurity in our lives...
However, walking out the first six months establishes the roles within the relationship We are trying to define our roles... Discover what will work for our family...Thus the reason for the discussion ..
Thanks again

[Leigh131313]

I'd say something more, but Jen said it all.

Perhaps you need to think about those phone calls differently. Think of them as more of a friend talking to you about your family. You do not have to say or reveal anything you do not want to.

Good Luck

Leigh

[tobeafamily]

Jen,

Have I mentioned lately that you ROCK? Eloquent truth, m'dear. Ryan is now 3 and yes, he is in love with his Mommy. Loves his bema and beda (just had a pretty great visit with beda) but is in love with Mommy.

*sigh* It won't last, soon I will be an Evil Parent just like my parents were for me. For as long as I can though, I revel in it.

Regina