[AMom2Two]

Hi everyone...

We just had our second visit with our daughters bmom in 4 years. It was a very nice visit and we had a good time together. She never disrespects us or crosses any lines. She is always considerate, friendly and nice. We like her a lot and find ourselves feeling closer to her and her son.

However, the night before the visit, I couldn't sleep. I was up every hour, looking at the clock. My stomach was sick and in knots, my head was aching and I felt physically sick about the upcoming visit. A part of me want to postpone it, but I knew I wouldn't. Before they arrived, I got physically sick and vomited.

After they arrived, I felt better. While the visit was very relaxing and easy going, I still felt anxious inside. I asked my DH if he felt similar. He said no, but it really hurt him to see our daughter lying so comfortably in her bmom's arms.

After they left, I felt such peace for the rest of the night. Then the next day I woke up feeling like what are we doing? My stomach is in knots again and I can't help worrying if everything will turn out okay. Will our daughter understand why we choose this? Will we lose our daughter by doing this? Where do we fit in? As an amom, how am I supposed to feel? Is this normal to feel this way? Will it get better the more time we spend together? Will things be okay for us also?

Part of me doesn't want to admit any of this. I don't like feeling this way. I worry about how I will be seen by sharing this. I don't want to be seen as an insecure amom. I don't want little things, such as them having the exact same hair color bother me at all or make me feel less then.

During this last visit, we went to Walmart together. I found myself thinking for the first time as we were walking into the store, everyone will know she is the mother. Their hair color gave them away. I saw the women with other small children smile at her as they passed bye. The same smile I get when I push my daughter thru the store. The mom to mom smile we exchange with other women. The mom's didn't look at me. I noticed these things.

These are stupid thoughts, I do realize that, they really don't matter in the big scheme of things. I just wonder if it is normal to feel this way?

The week after a visit always feels emotionally challenging to me. Does anyone else understand? Does anyone feel similar?

[wanttobeparents]

I didn't sleep for a week before our first visit with "L". I was sick to my stomach, had a headache, and tossed and turned literally for a week. Even though we were past the point of revocation of relinquishment, I was sure that she and "K" would take one look at us and run screaming out of the restaurant, demanding that we give the baby back.

Needless to say, they didn't do that or feel that way. They both told me later that they were giddy after the meeting because they didn't expect us to want so much contact with them or their families.

Yes, the first few meetings are a little nervewracking. "Did I say or do something wrong?" "Is my house clean enough?" "Is the baby dressed right?" "Why didn't they email back, did I hurt their feelings?"

I never felt hurt or jealous watching the birth family hold Michael. I'm usually taking pictures and don't have time to feel strange about it. The more I see them, the easier the relationship gets. It's like building any relationship, uncomfortable in the beginning, and easier as we feel our way around.

K felt very uncomfortable holding his son in front of our family in the beginning. I handed him off without thinking about it one day. He told me later to please not do that yet. He felt that my family would feel that he shouldn't hold Michael when one of them could.

This is just the second visit in four years. Of course you still have butterflies in your stomach. I'm not sure how much contact you have in between the visits, but email or phone calls help you to build a good relationship.

Try to delight in discovering how they are alike. I know that Michael has L's smile, loves green beans the way K does, has L's hair (at the moment), and has eyes like K's brother. The baby pictures of K and Michael look almost exactly alike. I love knowing this and being able to show and tell Michael these things. Grandma tells lots of stories about K growing up, and I can see Michael in a lot of them.

I try to look at open adoption as an extension of our family. We adopted the whole family as part of ours, not just the baby. I cheer when K or L makes an A, I worry when things aren't going well with them.

She is worried about how you see her, you are worried about how you measure up in her eyes. The main thing to remember is that you are doing this for your daughter. The easier your relationship is as adults, the easier it will be for your daughter to respect and love her. Give her that permission by loving her birthmother. She has room enough in her heart for both of you. Neither can or should take the place of the other. There is no shame in admitting that you are uncomfortable. Just remember that it can be overcome with practice, and it is all for the child.

Peggy

[mom2GRLC]

I know exactly how you feel.

Last month we had our second real visit with our childs bmom & birth family. We are adopting through fostercare and our adoption will be finalized in less than 2 weeks. We've had her in our home for over 2 years now. But other than seeing each other at court and the DHS office for me to pick her up from visits. This was our second time after she signed her rights over that we've gone out on a visit.

I can not function when I know we are planning a visit, or when i am trying to write her about my feelings...etc. It's all i worry about and all I think about...I can't get her out of my head and I worry about how she will feel, how our daughter will feel and how we will feel when we talk or see each other or write each other. I don't throw-up but my stomack is all in knots. I get headaches and especially insomnia. I worry wether having an open adoption is to stressful and unhealthy for me...as well as my child and her birth family.

On our last visit we went to Walmart and had picutres taken( I had hoped her family would show up as well not just her birthmom, for our daughters sake). Well, I got more than I wished for. We had bmom,baby sister, aunt, uncle & aunt, grandma and great grandma & grandpa. I originally was just going to have them all in a picture together then get some pictures with the bmom and her two daughters.

Well, the bmom was very sweet and insisted we be in the group photo(me, my husband and our other 2 kids) that was a big group. I appreciated her thoughtfulness and thinking about our family as well. Then we got pictures of bmom & 2 daughters, 2 sisters together, a 4 generation picture, pictures with just great grandparents, and a picture with me, bmom and our daughter.

I was happy we could all get together and make this priceless memory for our daughter. But at the same time..so many mixed feelings. Here was this family who seemed so normal, so loving, so perfect. Everyone looking a like and simliar features. Our daughter looks exactly like her bmom in every way she can. Her little sister looks like she could have been our little girls twin if she weren't 2 years younger. It kinda made me feel like, We came in not only second...but like they had so much to offer her...of such a loving extended family. It's hard to unsderstand sometimes why she gave her child up...why she didn't just kep trying for her.

Then afterwards we went to the zoo. It really did feel like one big happy family. Yet there were times the bmom went off to the side to take a break and just watch. One time, we were giving our little girl some ice cream while she was over sitting in the shade for a mintue. I overheard the grandma tell the bmom "She was yours before she was there's". It made me sad for her bmom. I know these visits are difficult on her. At times I feel guilty for being the one who gets the privelegde of being her mom now. Even though it was her choice(she didn't ask me first) to relinquish her rights, I still feel like I am raising someone else's daughter. It got to the point where just to hear hear our little girls name made me think of all the pain her bmom must be going through...that Destiny was her child...that I was just fosrtering...all the hopes and dreams she had of raising her where now gone forever. Now there will be new hopes and dreams for her as her birthchild and as our daughter. For many reasons we've now decided to call our little girl Rilley.

I have had to take a step back with visits and not keep things so open. I can't live day to day and functuion properly if I'm wondering if she will call this week or next.. or if she will all of a sudden want a visit..then another then another. At least now...I have told her what we feel comfortable with and how often we'de like phone calls/letters/visits.

I have a fealing as time goes on we will mainly have contact through letters for all of our sake. With the occasional phone call or visit here and there.

I think it's important to build a relationship with her bmom...but I'm just not so sure that frequent callls and visit are healthy for us and our family. Right now we have asked for as many letters as she'd like to send and everday if she wanted(we haven't received any yet). Phone calls to be limited to once every other month or 6 in a year(unless we are planning something..and she needs to call me a couple times to get everything planned out-she moved about 8 hours away a couple months ago). Visits to be limited to 1-4 times a year and they have to be scheduled and planned before the actual get together(last time I was so stressed out because She really had no ideas of what she wanted to do so I had to arrange all the plans). That's kinda what I offered to her when I wrote her last but I haven't heard back yet on her feelings about it. We will just have to wait and see how things go and what we all feel comfortable with as time goes by.

Didn't mean to make this so long...sorry!!!

[Alexandra C]

Thanks for sharing your true feelings. I'm a bmom and I thought that the amom felt totally okay and not insecure or worried at all. I thought I was the only one who felt like the outsider. Thanks for giving me a different perspective.

[looksee1]

Thank you so much to you courageous amoms for being honest about your feelings. I am an amom too and I feel exactly the same way. I thought I was the only one! I have limited things to pictures and letters for now, with visits as he needs them (he's little yet), because I just can't breathe or think about anything else when we are in direct contact. Especially in the begining, when I was trying to bond with my son, it really interfered with that process, so I had to ask for a "time out" so that I could spend time with him alone. I still feel guilty about asking for some alone time then, (and it's three years later) but I do believe that it was important to our family. While my son's bmom is very important to me, and I guard her wellbeing as best as I can, to be a good mom to my son, I have to protect my own wellbeing too. Being wracked with guilt and anxiety, feeling like I robbed the bmom of all the special moments I have enjoyed (I didn't, she chose us weeks after he was born through our agency), feeling insecure about being his mom, spending all my time thinking of her and writing to her, etc. does not yield a good mother. And that DOES affect the child. Anyway, most people on this chat line, and my agency too, gave me the impression only total openness is allowed, OK, celebrated, or accepted these days, and I was really beginning to feel like a bad person. So thank you so much for expressing yourself. It really has helped me. I wish you and your children the best.

[coco46]

AMom (and all the moms here),

No one ever tells us that Open Adoption can bring more than its share of challenges. All we ever hear is how wonderful it is, and for the majority of us, I believe that's true most of the time.

But still...it's hard to share, isn't it? It's hard to be constantly reminded that someone else is related to our kids in a way we'll never be. This is true for both sides, I think. As a birthmother myself, sometimes I do get those twinges of sad realization especially now that K is nearly a teen, that I will not be the one who hears about her first kiss, plans her sweet 16, stands next to her for graduation pictures, or picks out her wedding gown. Undoubtedly, I will share in these moments in my own way, but the moments will not "belong" to me like they "belong" to her family.

As a hopeful amom myself, I still get anxious over the very things you mention, and though being "on the other side" helps somewhat, I can't help but wonder: can I do this? Can I do the great job K's family has done? I hope I can, and I will always try.

For the record, however, K isn't confused one bit by our open relationship. I will never feel the urge to "step in" and act like her Mama, because I'm not. I am her birthmother, and I am proud to be there. I know I'm healed from the loss of parenting her, though you really never forget. I'm glad to be able to know her and her family, and I think they feel the same way. I step in when I feel that my mom is overstaying her welcome or imposing. Luckily not too often!

One thing that I firmly believe about open adoption is that time is your friend on all sides. For birthparents, the pain can (though I know not all bmoms would agree) heal, there are no fantasies and no secrets, and the child grows up as you watch, instead of staying the "perfect baby" that the birthparents said goodbye to. The child grows up secure in the love of their family while still being able to connect where they came from. The adoptive family doesn't have to wonder if every petite brunette with the same type of smile as their wee one might be their child's birthmother. There's never a surprise phone call 15 years later that sends your heart through the floor. I understand that some members of the triad aren't comfortable with full openness, and I guess at least they're honest with what they can deal with, but it still makes me a little sad for them. After all, no matter what type of adoption you choose, your child will always have come to you though adoption. The birthfamily is always out there. There's always a chance, often a good chance, that your child will search for them, talk about them, miss them. Perhaps not now, but at some point. Isn't it easier to know each other and have contact from the start? Again, this isn't meant to berate anyone (and it obviously excludes those situations where safety's sake doesn't allow openness) for their choices. I'm just honestly curious.

No matter what, though, if you've chosen open adoption, sometimes it's just hard. And if you ask me, that's OK too. Just "keep swimming" and making that effort! (I love Nemo, LOL)

[wanttobeparents]

What about treating her the same way you do the rest of the family? Whenever I get pictures or update the grandparents, I send the birthparents the same. Whenever he does something new and spectacular, I call the grandparents, L, K, and daddy if he is at work.

My point was, the more contact there is, the easier it is. 18 months ago, I was terrified to meet the birthparents for the first time. Next week, the birthfather and his parents are coming to stay for an extended weekend. They stay in the guest room. K came to visit after Christmas and actually took over the care of Michael since the whole family was sick. My family was scared to get around us, K was glad to come. He held a nebulizer to his birthson's face 4 times a day, he got up with him and rocked him in the middle of the night when congestion woke him up and he was miserable. I got to sleep more than 2 hours in a row for the first time in 6 weeks and was able to throw off the virus I caught from the kids. (Or one of them anyway.)

Knowing that the birthfamily is there for the special moments or gets a call ASAP has helped me know that I have NOT robbed them of these times. L, K, K's parents, the foster parents, my parents and brother, DH's mom and sister, and her kids were all at Michael's baptism. L and K were on the front row with us. Michael rolled over back to front the afternoon of his baptism for the first time. I was in the kitchen and missed it. L, K, and K's parents were on the floor playing with him. Michael crawled for the first time at L's house to her mom. They are there for the special moments because we have such frequent contact.

You are right that the way you feel about the birthfamily will affect your child. You need to feel like a mom; like your child's mom. You do need to follow any agreements you have made with the birthparents without fail.

What I was trying to say is that no matter how scared I was in the beginning, the more contact we have, the easier it is and the more they become part of our family. Yes, it is normal to be afraid. Yes, it can be overcome. You don't have to live with the knots in your stomach forever. You are your child's mother. Give yourself permission to be that.

The thing that has helped me the most is to think about what Michael would think about my actions in 20 years. If he grows up knowing his birthfamily, they will not be strangers to him that he will have to learn about. He will know them. If he sees me including his birthparents in his life, he will feel that respect and love. If I cut back on contact, or cut off contact, how do I explain that to him when he's 20? That he had a chance to grow up knowing his birthfamily, but I cut back on contact?

I hope things get to be more comfortable for you in the future.

Peggy

[AMom2Two]

I am so glad to know that I'm not the only one who experiences these moments of uncertainty.

It's nice to know that we can talk about them without this being seen bad or insecure of us amom's.

I'm aware of how similar our feelings can be, yet different for bmoms and amom's. It's kind of strange, both mothers and fathers being friends and seeing each other thru out the child's life. Where is the blue print for this type of relationship? Where are the books that tell us how to do this?

I also feel good in knowing that I did not rob my children of their birth roots. I have done everything humanly possible to promote those connections in a healthy way. I feel that her bmom and I can become very close and I wonder how that would affect her? I wonder how that will affect me in my feelings as her mom. Can I handle it? Will I still feel comfortable in my shoe's? Will time make the butterflies go away? I assume they will. I assume she has them too right now.

I forgot to mention that when we were at the Walmart, dd thru a temper fit. She wanted me to buy her two items that had Strawberry Shortcake on them and she knows that she could only have one. I could see it coming too and I felt anxious about how I would handle it in front of bmom. Well, I told her no again and she got mad, started crying, screaming, laid down on the floor for about 30 seconds kicking. I looked at bmom and she was smiling. I told bmom, that is your Irish temper and we both laughed. Our daughter did not like us laughing. She probably thought we were laughing at her and stopped behaving badly. I told her again, only one and she put one item back.

Also for the first time in four years her bmom told me that this is getting much easier on her. It felt so good to hear that, freeing as if I could somehow not feel so guilty for being the one who gets the joy of raising this child.

I'm glad there are others who shared their stories. Thank you for doing so! It has helped me to know that I am not alone.

[mom2GRLC]

I know exactly what you are talking about with obcessing about writing the birthmom letters. I would stay up every single night trying to write her, trying to word things correctly. Trying to figure out how to share my own feelings with out hurting hers or causing her more pain. It really did help me in the long run...to really understand my own feelings.

I did have my sister proof read one of my letters that I had kinda created by editing a whole bunch of letters I had written her, yet never sent her (before I finally mailed her something). I'm glad I did because she helped me realize on some parts of it that I needed to be more firm and less...asking her permission or help with some parenting choices I had made. So I did one last revision that I finally felt comfortable with. Once I finally sent that letter off...that burden or guilt...and worryng left my mind.

I no longer stayed up all hours of the night writing her. I finally found a way to put into words what I really wanted to say...and for the first time I wasn't really worried how she would responded to it. I knew that what I had wrote was my true honest feelings and I hoped she would understand and accept it. I finally was able to be my childs mother and put her first, before worring about what her birthmom might feel about the subject.

When I finally did get a chance to talk to her over the phone about the subject and asked how she felt about it. She gave me her honest feelings....saying she wasn't happy about it....but she would accept what ever choice I made. That was exactly the answer that I needed. I needed to know that she would respect me as her birthchilds mother ...to make those decisions.. . even though I knew she wouldn't like it herself.

Since that awkward scarry bit of time is over and was handled well...I feel more confident to act as my childs mother and not just her foster parent. We will be finalizing our adoption 9 days. I think once everything is final, my heart will finally be able to relax. To know that she is ours forever and we don't have to worry about her being taken away from us(by DHS) or anything like that. I think my relationship with her birthmom will feel more secure then as well. I know she can't get her back right now anyways or change her mind.....but then I will finally make the switch from foster/adoptive mom to MOM. I am so excited...I can't believe that day is almost here!!!!!!!!

[SchmennaLeigh]

First of all, very insightful post.

Secondly, I have a Walmart-esque type story. I always worry when D, Munchkin and I go to a store-slash-out-in-general during a visit that people are assuming that I am the "Mom." Munchkin has my eyes; my exact eyes. D is a pale, beautiful little sprite, but in all honesty, Munchkin looks like me. I try to let D push her in the stroller or carry her, but at the same time, D is being her kind and considerate self, letting me spend as much time with the Munchkin as possible. So, at times, I find myself with the exact same (but vice versa) anxiety that you're going through. Strange, isn't it? I want D to be recognized as her Mom. I feel bad that people are probably assuming that I am the Mom.

Your daughter will understand and, I would venture to say, be quite grateful that you and her Dad are such compassionate people.

Don't ever doubt your place in her life. You ARE her Mom. *hugs* You're not insecure. You're just dealing with emotions... in a rather positive and proactive manner, I might add.

Oh, and just one note for your Husband, while I wouldn't say it OUT LOUD (so, shh) it pains me sometimes to see Munchkin giggle and laugh with J (her Dad) during our visits; as in, why can't I make her do that.

Thank you for sharing and enlightening us all. Seriously.

[Momof2]

Whoa, at first I thought this thread was just crazy because as a birth mom, I thought only birth Mom's feel these sensations, and nervousness. I stay awake for two nights before I am about to see my daughter, and we have had an open adoption for almost 14 years! I am pretty comfortable around my daughters parents, but there are always a bit of butterflies before you see them. The older our daughter becomes, the more she is a spitting image of me. My daugher's mom often tells me that she is see's me in her every day and thinks of me often. It feels nice that she thinks of me, but I had no idea that the feelings are how you all described here.

I am so sad now.....

[wanttobeparents]

Don't feel sad. Know that both sides feel nervous and that it's normal to feel that way. Nothing wrong with being normal!

Peggy

[LisaCA]

while I fully accept that many amoms feel this way, some of us probably don't, so Momof2 and others, please think of these as windows to possible amom feelings.

we just spent a week with bfamilies this june and I have to say I wasn't nervous seeing bmom, bdad and assorted family members. I really just wanted dd to not freak when she saw them-that was my worry . turns out she was just fine and loved them all (except bdad, who is a guy. she's a bit nervous around men). Dd looks exactly like her bmom (and baunts) and I think of them daily, but they're really good, positive thoughts. I get hives over going to visit people and I didn't get hives-a sign that i really viewed them as family.

I can understand folks being nervous like others have listed here-that's normal too. Just know that amoms are all over the spectrum and may be worrying over some other things. heck, my major concern is that bmom especially comes to terms with her decision (she's under 18, and definitely a teenager ). i'll probably always carry that with me.

lisa

[lisa in venice]

I guess I would feel nervous if we did see each other so often. I wonder if y'all who have very limited contact would feel more at ease if it was more regular. If it was just a normal part of your life. We have veryf requent contact with our ds' birth mom and it is really no bif deal but dd's birth mom doesn't really keep in touch and the relationship is not nearly as easy going.

lisa

[shemex]

I think it's normal to feel jealous or even a bit threatened when you see your child with his/her birthmom. The feeling never fully goes away...I guess it might just be human nature. To help me deal with this, I always try to put myself in my daughter's shoes. Is it wrong or threatening to me for her to love more than one person in her life? Grandma, Aunts, Caregivers, my husband, her brothers? Why is it wrong for her to love her birthfamily?

There is no competitive territory between an amom and a birthmom. The birthmom gave life and gave her child a future. The amom nurtures and loves her child...sharing everything with them....in a sense, I think the amom is the "forever" mom, even though the birthmom always has a special and exclusive place in the child's heart. But, no matter what, a birthmom can never take the place of the amom and, importantly, the amom can never take the unique place of the birthmom.

I guess my point is that there's room for both. What a lucky child to have birthparents and "forever" parents that all love them and wish the best for them. Can there ever be too much love? I don't think so. Knowing that my daughter has a growing relationship with her birthfamily helps me give her access to something she needs that I can't provide...a connection to her past and her biological heritage. Giving her this makes me love her more and, every time we reconnect with the birthfamily, I feel proud of my place as her mother.