[autumnhope]

We are just starting the process for independent adoption. We are trying to come up with an open adoption plan. I want your opinion on what we are considering putting in the agreement. We think the birthmom should be a part of the child's life. We would like for her to have personal contact with us monthly if she lives in our area. If not, phone calls or pictures and letters. We would also like for her to be included in some type of activity around Christmas and Easter. Around Mother's Day I would be willing for the 3 of us to do something together. Is this enough contact or is it too much? Please give me your feedback. Thanks

[VKH]

Hi AutumnHope,

I think it is great that you are asking this. Here is my opinion:

First of all, please do not offer any contact that you are not willing to actually follow through with. (I don't get that vibe from your msg but it should still be mentioned). It is VERY important that you only agree to what you are comfortable with.

Each birthmother is different in how much contact she wants. However, everything that you have mentioned sounds fantastic to me! I am in a very open adoption with my son's aparents and it has by far been a very emotionally and mentally positive experience.

I wish you all the best!

[Free_to_be_me]

I think that what you wrote sounds like a really great starting point. An important thing to keep in mind, as well, is flexibility. In your agreement, remember that life changes and it is possible the visiting plans might need to as well.

When I placed, we decided on visits at least 2 times a year and letters and pictures 4 times a year. Since then it has changed to pictures almost never, e-mails every now and then, phone calls to set up visits and visits whenever I am in the state (2 or 3 times a year). Each visit usually ends up being an overnight or two and maybe a couple lunches or something during the course of two weeks.

If I lived in the same city as they do, we would probably get together every month (they get together weekly with my sister, as she teaches piano lessons to my birthdaughter) and that wouldn't feel like too much contact. At the same time, seeing each other only a couple times a year is working, too. We have known each other for ten years now and are very comfortable.

In the beginning, right when the baby was born, we had already set the dates for the first visit. This was really helpful for me because I could look forward to it and didn't have to worry about scheduling it.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Contact is deeply personal. All of these plans sound a-okay. However, it will vary from year to year and each Birthmother views contact differently. If this is the contact you are wanting, know that it may take a potential birthmother awhile to realize that she wants this as well. I only wanted pictures and letters for awhile post-placement. We now have a fully-open adoption.

In fact, the three of them are on their way to my house now. But I'm at work. That's no fun!

[mom2justynsarah]

Just like Jenna said, contact is deeply personal. The arrangement between my daughter's birth family and us is open. However, they live in California and we are in S. Florida. So visiting is not something that we can do on a regular basis.

We communicate through letters and phone calls. Right now, contact is dictated by "D''s (birthmom) frame of mind. She is going through a tough time grieving . My daughter is only 4 months old. So contact is kinda spotty.

But we are certainly open to regular contact. I happen to care about them a great deal. It's important to me that Sarah knows all about who she is, where she came from and that she DOES have a birthfamily that loves her.

Best of luck to you!

Julie & beautiful baby Sarah

[Skye Hardwick]

Hi there,

Without reading the responses ... I would say that it is great you are open to openness. Keep in mind, that when the baby is born ...he or she will become a reality to not only, but to the potential birthmom is well. Babies change things ...so I always encourage hopeful adoptive parents to write down beforehand their desires for openness and why, and to visit those reasons anew after the baby comes home.

Visits and contact should always be flexible for both parties (life happens, of course), and yet, rooted in a deep commitment to one another, and most importantly, the child you would share.

Take care,

Skye

[traceyk]

My DH and I are sending 2 letters a year and six pics with each letter which is the required minimum with our agency. However, we have chosen to send letters in between as it strikes us and videos. Now, I also want to add tha bmom gave birth, never interracted with baby and checked out of the hospital the next day. We will still send the information to the agency and can only hope that someday she choses to see how happy Drihan is.

[autumnhope]

Thank you so much for all the wonderful responses. I will keep all your thoughts in mind. I hope each of you have a wonderful week!