[djp03]

Amen........... dl!

[Free_to_be_me]

Wow, there have been a lot of different thoughts here. My head is almost spinning. Of course, that could be because I have a cold and all sorts of over-the-counters in my bloodstream...

So, I wanted to respond to a few things. First, I am a birthmom and I am happy about it. Yes, it was really, really, really hard, especially during the first three years. Now it has been almost 10 years. I love my birthdaughter and her family AND I love the life that I have. I could not have this life if my birthdaughter did not exist and I could not have my life as I know it if I were parenting. I am happy that I got pregnant when I was 17, happy that open adoption was an option for me and thrilled that it worked out as well as it did. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but it has been my experience, so I know there is at least 1 birthmother in existance that is happy to be a birthmom. (I will add that I wasn't happy to be pregnant when I was pregnant and that I wasn't happy about the situation for a while, but I have never had a moment of regret. I made the right decision for me and had great support from my family, friends, the agency and the adoptive parents. I know that I am incredibly lucky in this respect.)

As far as the commercials are concerned, maybe they do come across as too full of rainbows and perfection and maybe they don't touch on the pain and hurt that birthparents feel. However, I feel it is very important for the adoption message to get out. When I was pregnant, I had dozens of people bring up abortion, probably hundreds assume I was parenting, but ONLY 1 said a single word about adoption. I was in crisis so it may not have even occured to me if it hadn't been suggested. When it was suggested, I did my research (Not on the computer, by the way) and made my decision based on that. Still, noone else said a word to me about it. I ended up waiting until I was 7 months along before I told a SINGLE person that I was even thinking of adoption. A social worker asked if I was planning on breastfeeding or bottle feeding. I told her that I didn't think I was going to feed my baby. She freaked, then I somehow found the words to tell her that I was thinking of adoption, not starving the kid. She was very helpful afterward, giving me a referral to the great agency I worked with.

I don't think that positive adoption messages are the things that we should be squashing. I think we need to work on making sure birthparent myths are debunked and that birthmothers aren't completely ignored. EG: The US postal service celebrated adoption with some adoption stamps a while back. They said something along the lines of "Adoption, create a family, love a child and everything's great." I actually wrote to the USPS about this because there was absolutely NO mention of birthparents. Now, THAT is offensive to me. A commercial that is at least TRYING to include and educate birthmothers is a big step up from that. An adoption commercial MIGHT have been enough to make me think about doing my own research, but not having one at all wouldn't have done a thing.

As far as parenting commercials are concerned, I don't think they are totally necessary. There are hundreds and thousands of great examples and role models in every day life. People with unplanned pregnancies are exposed to them every single day without having to look for them. Adoption is much more hidden because so many people keep it a secret. After I started talking about my decision, people started coming out of the woodwork. People who had placed 30 years previously, people who had a sibling "out there, somewhere." But, it was still a secret. I would really like it to stop being a secret that people are ashamed of. For me, that would be a big step in the right direction.

Finally, 30 second commercials are designed to spark interest in something. Toy commercials do not say "this toy is cheap plastic junk that is going to break in two minutes." Car commercials do not say "this car is great BUT when the transmission goes at 61,000 miles and the warrenty is expired it's going to cost 3 grand to fix." Animal Shelter Public Service Announcements do not say "the puppy you bring home is going to pee all over your house for six months." Commercials are meant to spark interest, not make a decision for a person.

[banjo]

Hi fellow posters,

So many good points have been raised in this thread.

Stinky_kitty: I agree with you 100%.
79nic: I also think we are on the same page with many adoption issues.

The abortion angle is interesting. I am prochoice for women but abortion was not for me. I could not go through with it because I could not have lived with myself if I had gone down that road. But that does not mean it's not the right decision for other women with an unwanted pregnancy.

To this day - despite my angst over my adoption decision - I am soooo grateful that my beautiful daughter is walking on this earth. How lucky are both myself and her parents to have her in our lives. I think a lot of my problems are that I want more of her in my life. infact I want her back 100% and have done so for years.

But I often think that abortion and adoption are both choices but are separate issues.

We would be better off being prochildren and supporting families both one parent and two parent families and educating parents how to be better parents. and grandparents how to be better supportive grandparents and communities to be more supportive etc...

As for the people that critizise daycare - think again. I have met a lot of young people who grew up in daycare and they tell me to get over it - that they have no issues about it.

I think many children benefit from it and a good, loving daycare, especially for say one child families and low-socioecomic families would provide better outcomes for the children.

I think that it's great that this advertisement has got the issue out in the open but not in the way I want it to be...

banjo

[LisaCA]

commercials aren't there to spark interest, but to sell you something. These are designed to "sell" adoption. I guess I'd want more from ads about adoption. I want bmoms and bdads to have all the choices presented, with all the positives and negatives. Many people chose abortion and I support their right to do so. Many people chose adoption and I support that as well. The same with parenting. It's certainly not my place to tell anyone what is best for them. I do want them, however, to have all the facts available. I know that a commercial can't give all the facts, but it can hint at the complexity. that's all I ask.

Maia is right that you won't see any parenting ads any time soon, Just like you won't see women who had abortions talking about how they were able to go to college and have a great life. Each one of these choices is incredibly complex-I would like a commercial to hint at this, nothing more.

and maybe we need to have more social services available for all parents. We are the only developed country to have such a minimal safety net. It is so hard to parent here in the US period, even if you have two parents in one household. The burden shouldn't be only on the grandparents or others. But then again, I'm a liberal and don't mind paying my taxes for such things. I'm a firm believer that it takes a village, or in this case, a country, to raise a child.

[BoxerLady6]

Free_to_be_me,
Almost everything you said is exactly how I feel!!! I felt like I was reading my story. I don't regret one minutue that I had my baby and i don't regret one minutue giving her up AND I know if hadn't have had her or had kept her I would not be the person I am today.
Not one person mention adoption to me. No social workers, no health care workers......no one. Abortion and keeping my child were the only things presented to me.
My best friend at the time is the only one that came to me with adoption. I am still greatful for him helping me. He helped me pick the aparents, went to meet the aparents with me and even wanted to be in the delivery room but had to work. Even though we have grown apart, he is still one of the most important person in my life who helped me make an important descion.

[NicNic]

I really liked that (Commercial) or more or less Public Service Announcement, because it showed the birthmom in a positive light. I just want people (general public) to know how special these birthmothers are. I also want people to know that if they are not ready to parent that there are other options. You don't have to say goodbye forever.

Maybe we could make a documentary or a TV movie about open adoption. I think we can all agree that there is no way to jam everything into a 30 second spot.

Boxerlady & Free_to_be_me: Thank you for your stories. I am so glad that you are at peace with your decision.

I was beginning to wonder... I just hope that whoever chooses us is at peace with their decision. I know it is going to be tough. It kills me to know that someone else is going to have to go through alot of pain in order for me to become a parent. I wish it were easier. I know that the agency I am working with does a fantastic job of offering all kinds of services to families. They make sure that the birthmother knows all of her options before they even give her the scrapbooks to look at. Our social worker is one of the best in the country and is on the forefront of open adoption. We are just lucky that he is in northern Michigan. As a hopeful adoptive mom, what can I do to help once we are chosen? How can I help it to be easier on the birthmom? Any suggestions?

[79nic]

I just want people (general public) to know how special these birthmothers are.

Furthermore, there is so much misunderstanding about open adoption, that I think a campaign to at least establish that some openess in adoption is the norm is also helpful in changing the general public's image. I see these commercials as part of a general public awareness campaign, not necessarily directed at a woman who is pregnant right now today.

Problem is, I DON'T think these commercials are directed at the general public. I DON'T think they are a general public awareness campaign.

If they were REALLY about the benefits of open adoption, why not show the person who benefits most from openness--the ADOPTEE--in these commercials?

Why not show an adoptive family showing a picture of their child's birthmother to their child?

Nope, when the main "character" IS the birthmom, graduating from college or getting ready for her professional job, and she's looking at a pic of her child, what does that say?

It says this... give up your child, have a great future/life, and still get pics of your kid.

I haven't seen the commercials, so my assessment could be off-base, but from the descriptions set forth here, it's pretty clear to me that this is about getting women to consider adoption and making it appear rosy.

[banjo]

Nic79: I agree.

nICNIC: YES a doco on open adoption, especially interviewing a HEAP of people who have grown up in open adoption would be great for everyone - What does the adoptee think - that's what I want to know.

[NicNic]

Okay, I see what you are saying about making open adoption seem "rosey", but (I think) in comparison to closed adoption, it is.

I've been thinking about what was said about parenting especially young mothers. I know of a few people who have had children in thier teens and are doing great. But I also know of a few that are not doing so great. One is a very good friend of mine, who loves her children dearly, but feels like she missed out on the whole college experience (living in the dorms and on campus, making new friends, and having her own life) She got married right out of high school. She told me that she felt trapped. She was not ready to parent, but she was pregnant, so ready or not here it is. (Adoption was never brought up to her) With babies at home, she didn't want to miss out on everything, but she had to work so her husband could go to school. She chose to put off college until her children were older. To make a long story short, now she feels resentment toward her husband and he is resentful toward her. And guess who is suffering through the battles? Yep, the kids.
Maybe had she seen the PSA on open adoption she may have gone down that road and been a much happier person now.

Then comes the single parent issue. My mom had my sister right out of high school and married my dad. They had four kids together in a very unhealthy marriage. My parents separated when I was 5 and finally divorced when I was nine. That was a blessing, but my mom had to work 2 jobs to keep food on the table. She also went back to school. We were poor. My mom worked very hard to make sure that we had what we needed, but she was not able to be around much. She made it to only a couple (literally 2) of my sporting events because she had to work. I understood that she was doing what she needed to do in order for us to live, but it was extremely hard. I hated the fact that my mom was never at any of my games and was jealous when I saw my friends parents there. Single parenthood was tough on my mom. I can remember seeing her cry (often) because she was so stressed out; this was not what she had in mind for us.

So what I am saying is that chosing to parent is not always peaches and cream either. If you are prenant and not ready to be a parent, I really think that you need to weigh out your options.

The grass is always greener on the other side.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

So...once you make the decision to place for adoption, it is all about the child... but while weighing your choice...really, it should be all about you??

I am not getting this...
So in situation 1, had she seen a commercial that led her to give her child away under the false pretense that a picture will heal the loss of your child......she may be happier???

And in situation 2....you think that had your mom given you away then you wouldnt be so resentful that you mom wasnt at your games??? Im not getting that one either... If you were playing games at all, then she must have been trying to give you everything she could... I have tons of friends who dont let their kids get involved in anything....

I am sorry nicnic, neither of those situations sound like a commercial would help them. I would be curious to see what they would say if you asked them..."Do you wish they had shown THIS commercial when you were pregnant??" And "Would you have wanted to give away your child so that YOU could have a better life??"

nicnic, parenting is ABOUT making the sacrifices for your children and working hard to give them something better than you had growing up... I dont think that trading parenting for a pile of pictures helps anything. Nothing at all.

It is very painful. And it may be a step up from closed adoption...but I think it is safe to say that it is a very small baby step. That should have been there the whole time.

In my mind it is the same thing as telling an abused person that they should accept how they are treated by someone "because it isnt as bad as what this other person did to you...."

Just because it may be a little better, doesnt make it right.

[NicNic]

numbr1: Would you rather not have adoption an option? I know it is a hard decision, but it is hard enough that it shouldn't exist? I am assuming that you are a birthmother who seriously regrets her decision. I am sorry.

what I meant by the stories I wrote is that parenting is not an easy choice to make either. My mom did the best she could for us and I admire her for doing so, but it was extremely hard on her and us. She was not able to be the mom she wanted to be and I think that goes the same for my friend.

In both cases, the women were faced with 2 options; abortion and parenthood. No one ever mentioned adoption to them. What they knew about adoption was a false stereotype of birthmothers who don't care about their child.

This PSA showed a young lady who was graduating from school (not sure if it was HS or college) who said that she was faced with the hardest decision of her life and that she didn't "give up her baby" she gave her baby more. I think that is powerful. Maybe I am coming from a different perspective, but it seems almost insensitive to say "She gave up her baby" I'd actually like this better: "She gave her baby a family."

[Volfe]

I think it's important to remember that the future is uncertain.

While there are bad life outcomes from parenting, there are also bad life outcomes from adoption. Adoption does not guarantee the child a 'perfect' life.
Parenting at least grants them knowing their family, etc.

So I think that by having an ad suggest in its imagery that adoption is rosy for any reason is euphamistically lying. I think that is what many here are objecting to.

However, if I'm incorrect, someone will correct me.

Maia
PS, I want to add that it is sad what a bad childhood/ life can do to a person... but it is so horrible, it affects so many people around them... when that person's childhood was a result of adoption.

Maybe we should have an ad about Lisa Steinberg, may she rest in peace (and my apologies to her mother who prefers the public forget that name was ever used for her daughter)

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Nicnic,

Yeah, I am a birthmom who regrets her decision...but there were contributing factors. I am also a parent to a 7 year old little girl and I can say without reservation that any sacrifice made is well worth it! (I placed my second daughter.)

Do I think it is so hard that it shouldnt be an option??

Well I think that it is so hard that it should not be a very publicized option. I think that it should be an option for people who truly do not want their child. But for those who lack resources, I think more education about what resources are out there should be top priority...

If you have a child the government all but pays for your college! If you dont...well it depends on what your mommy and daddy make...

If you are in school you can qualify for daycare as little as $1 a day!!

WIC will help you with formula...

And of course there are SO many other programs.... if you have to live in a one bedroom apartment as a baby, it isnt so much of a big deal...because if you use your resources you can do better by the time your child is in school and it counts....

I think that help for mothers should be pushed as a more positive solution than adoption.

Be proud of adoption... but dont be proud to do what you need to to take care of your baby?? There is no shame in accepting help to better yourself.

Adoption should not be shown as the solution.... JMHO

Christine

[BrandyHagz]

I think that it should be an option for people who truly do not want their child.

Wow, totally offended.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Sorry... not meaning to offend Brandy... Not at all...

That is just my opinion... but Im not very pro-adoption others are totally pro-- Im sure there is a medium.

I guess I just WISH it didnt have to exist..

Maybe that was worded poorly.... An option for people who truly dont want to parent??