[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by banjo

I'd like to see the ads go and the money spent on more counselling on parenting options etc and counselling for us birthmothers struggling with the loss of a relationship with our children, and adoptees struggling with adoption issues.

What a beautiful idea. Too bad it's unrealistic and will never happen. All too often, birthparents are forgotten, including by the agencies that tout post-placement counseling, post-placement.

Daneca, adoption is a mish-mosh of emotional views, from all sides of the triad. Your quotations marks and snippy comments were rather unnecessary. No one here made any rude comments about you and it would be nice if you could return the favor by not attacking those who have a differing opinion. You obviously did not read my entire post, which you quoted the word "loathe" from. If you would have, you would have seen that I came to a slightly different conclusion at the end of my post, further proving that there is no black-and-white answer or emotion in adoption; only fields and acres of gray.

Moving back to what I quoted:

I don't think the entire removal of adoption commercials is quite necessary. I think women need to know that adoption is a valid option for some circumstance. I will not name circumstance because, really, it depends on each expectant Mother and her life history and goal. I do not think we should be touting adoption as the only way for an expectant mother to reach her goals. My Mother graduated college, magna cum laude, with me. Granted, she had my Father and familial help, but my mere presence at an early stage in life did not take away her education nor her dreams. My Mother is such a role model for me, as to what a Mother AND a career woman can be. I think if we're really wanting to portray adoption, in a :30 spot, in a positive yet realistic light, we need to speak of the choice and the pain.

It is a choice. And it is painful, even in the best of situations, in the most open of cases.

A simple line such as this: "It was the hardest decision of my life and there are days when my heart aches for her presence, but deep down, I know it was the right decision. Not for me, but for her."

That, right there, speaks the truth about adoption. Adoption is NOT about birthparents. It is not about adoptive parents. I know we all want to feel good about our place in the triad. Open adoption, above all, should be about the child. That statement right there, which tells the truth about the birthparent plight but also brings to the forefront that the child is the most important part... is what the campaign should be touting. Child first.

[Daneca1]

I am new to this forum, so I don't understand how a lot of things work (latest reputation?). Opinions differ, so I will not leave mine. Sorry if I may have ruffled any feathers. "MY CHILDS" birthmother is the best thing that has happend to us and I am so grateful for her and her incredible example! I hope someday to be like her!

[79nic]

Daneca,

It's ok. This place takes some getting used to.

I came off strong. I'm not mad at you, just the darn commercials. Hope you realize that.

We love a good debate here. Nothing wrong with voicing opinions... as long as it is done respectfully.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Could you expand on that?? Be like her in what sense??? Is the example being--giving you a child??

Just wondering.

Lines like "I didnt give my baby up for adoption, I gave my baby more"

Eludes to the fact that she was not good enough for her child... If they would spend more dollars on educating women to know how they can parent and still be successful.... then maybe less people would be brainwashed into giving up their child under the pretense that they are not good enough. For goodness sake, if you have a child, the goverment all but pays for your whole education!! How about letting mothers know that!!!

Love your child, love yourself... love each other together.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Daneca1

Don't most television commercials attempt to put forward a "dream". I did see a car commercial with a bow on it...not to compare. I know for the most part this isn't the reality (cant really say that I know the birthmother side of it). I am glad that someone is promoting a positive side of adoption!

Positive Adoption promotion is everywhere! There are is very little realistic adoption education going on out there at all. I get calls from birthparents all the time saying "I didn't know they could cut me off", "I wasn't told it could hurt so much". Look at the books out there on adoption. The Third Choice , a book for expectant parents considering adoption, has an appaling chapter on grief. By six months you are no longer thinking about your baby everyday. Right! Why do they not show a picture of a sobbing woman in a fetal position? I do not know one birthmother who has not been there.

I firmly believe that choosing to place a child for adoption can be the best thing for some parents and their children, but too often it is done for the wrong reasons. I know too many birthmoms who should be parenting but aren't because they bought into the "this child will be better off without me" hype. Take a look at the "education" that is offered on adoption facilitator.agaency/attorney websites. Talk about positive promotion.

[NicNic]

Wow! This is something that I really didn't expect. I really liked the commercial because (As I saw it) it portrayed adoption as a better option than abortion.

I didn't think of all the things that the birthmothers have said (thanks for the insight!) What I saw was that it portrayed a birthmother more positively than I've ever seen.

I am not an amom yet, but I've already had people ask me some very strange/stupid questions about birthmom's. Such as "Do they give up their baby because they don't want it?" or "You are doing an open adoption? Aren't you afraid that if they (Meaning pretty much the entire birth family) know where the baby is, than they will come and take it away?" or it is sometimes implied that maybe this is a form of birth control. I'd rather have the general public see birthmom's as intelligent, nice, clean, beautiful people who had an unexpected pregnancy. God knows it could've been me. I was just stupid enough to think that I was "lucky" that I never got pregnant when I was younger. Little did I know. . .

Also, when my husband and I were trying to concieve and not having any luck, I didn't even know that open adoption existed. What I did know (from the uh-oh scares of my youth) was that if I had a child and placed him/her for adoption I'd have to know how my child was doing, what he/she looked liked, and what kind of family he/she had. (I have a very over-active imagination, not knowing would kill me. I'd imagine the worst senerios!) Then I thought about the child. I would have to know my birth family. I'd have to know who I looked like, where I came from, and why I was placed for adoption. As for my own perspective as an adoptive mom-to-be, I also have to know. Otherwise I'd be walking down the street looking at everyone to see if they had similiar features to my child. It would drive me crazy. I am so glad that open adoption is an option and for me, the only kind of adoption that makes sense.

I know someone who has a grandchild through a closed adoption and they were saying how the birthmother never got to see the baby after he was born (This was the boys agrandfather) and the way he was saying it was as though that was a good thing. As if the baby would have been tainted had his mother been able to hold him before he was placed. How sad.

What I have learned about birthfamilies (through open adoption) is that yes they would make awesome parents. They are smart, strong, responsible, and caring people who love thier child more than anything. Everyone has their own reasons as to why they chose adoption and those reasons are very personal.

For myself and everyone else that is waiting for a miracle, I thank God for birthmothers. Without them, people like me would have all their dreams of parenthood crumble without any hope. And I will continue to stick up for birthmothers when stupid/insensitive comments are made.

Sorry this is so long and scattered!
Love to all,
Nicci

[NicNic]

Jenna,
I love what you said from the birthmother's prospective...

A simple line such as this: "It was the hardest decision of my life and there are days when my heart aches for her presence, but deep down, I know it was the right decision. Not for me, but for her."

That, right there, speaks the truth about adoption.

Since you are in broadcasting, do you have any clout to make such a commercial? Or maybe know of some venues to make it happen?

Nicci

[SchmennaLeigh]

NicNic,

I don't have any clout on a national level (yet... heh, me thinking positive there) to do such a thing. I do have enough clout within my own station to get them to stop running the "commercials." (Really, they're public service announcements: PSAs.)

Perhaps someday I will be "big" enough to make a difference in a grand way, but for right now, I'll work on my small market station.

Thanks for the compliment. I really thing the commercial would be better suited for all viewing audiences if it was worded in such a way. Perhaps I'll write the organization sponsoring the spots.

[banjo]

Brenda, I agree with everything you wrote - so well put, thank you.

Jenna - you are right it is about the baby. But often everyone loses sight about that.

Nicci, I think you will be a great amother. Thanks for looking at the other side of the picture. I'd recommend reading Primal Wound and some of the books out there about what it is like to be an adoptee. I wish i had read about what it is like growing up adopted and the issues adoptees face before i made my decision.

[dl]

posted by banjo ~ "I'd recommend reading Primal Wound and some of the books out there about what it is like to be an adoptee. I wish i had read about what it is like growing up adopted and the issues adoptees face before i made my decision."

As someone that was adopted at 13 months, I did not relate to the Primal Wound at all. While I joined my family by adoption, I did not "grow up adopted" but grew up as a child that was part of a family ~ just as my friends did. Nor did I face "issues" as a result of having been adopted. Having been adopted was not a source of identification for me at all. There are many that were adopted that feel similar. There are some that do relate to the theory presented in this book by an amother that had a difficult time bonding with her adopted daughter, but there are many that do not.

Aparents and potential aparents may enjoy reading the thoughts and feelings of those that actually were adopted vs. a "theory" by someone that had not been adopted. Many of those adopted posted their feelings on the thread: Insight for Aparents from an Adoptee
Insight for Aparents from an Adoptee

As far as the commercial/public service announcement, I thought it presented a positive message. It is impossible to present ALL aspects of adoption in a 30 second spot. As much as some complain about the way they feel bparents are portrayed, I would have thought this would have been considered positive. JMO

[mlbsands]

I will probably get slammed for this but I just don't get it.. I don't understand why those that have placed children in adoption hate adoption comercials or something that offers others a POSSIBLE solution.. what do YOU suggest that they do?? Pretend it does not exist.. is that better?? Thats like not talking about birth control and pretendings that kids will just not have sex since they don't know about "options"..

No one is saying you HAVE to place.. its a decision and there is nothing wrong with showing that is CAN be positive..

Also.. while I know that many on this board have pain due to placing children in adoption that does NOT mean that everyone has that pain.., or has the same kind of pain. One of my good friends in a birthmom ( that is what SHE calls herself). And to this day she feels like it is best decision she made and she said that she misses him but is not in any "pain". She has always felt at peace with her decision.. And yes even AFTER the adoptive parents stopped sendinbg the pictures and letters they said they would send..

I almost decided not to adopt due to some of the women on this board that tried to make me feel good about wanting to adopt.. but is was my friend that told me that each person has to make thier pwn decision, and that she was thankful to those that decided to adopt her son.. That they were there to care for him when she felt she could not. She made me realize that I was not the one making ANYONE place thier child.. I was simply there if they chose me.

Her son is now 14 and even though the adoption was "closed" several years ago. they just got word from thier adoption agency that her son would like more contact with her and his parents are trying to arrange some calls/letters/visits..

They want him to know his new sisiter or brother.. (she is now pregnant and due soon).

Anyway.. my point is.. why so negative about adoption.. if you don;t like what is being done then do something about it.. perhaps you can work with someone to gie people an additional option.. but do not generalize and make it seem like eveyone that places a child will forwever be in pain and feel like they made the wron decision..

Mandy

[mlbsands]

Just one more thing.. I realized that my last post came off strong.. but I am just frustrated.. I love my son.. and I LOVE his birthmother and father.. they are wonderful people and they will always hold a special place in our hearts..

I just hate that some times they are made to feel like what they did was wrong (placing him).. they placed him out of love and I never want them to feel bad for that.

Mandy

[stinky_kitty]

Originally Posted by mlbsands

No one is saying you HAVE to place..

Actually, I didn't have a choice. I was 15 and my parents made that choice for me. Having no family support, and having been given no other options, or even the opportunity to explore the option of parenting has left a pretty bitter taste in my mouth.

As an adoptee and a bMom I deal with adoption on a daily basis no matter how hard I wish that I could have one day where I'm not reminded of it somehow.

[79nic]

Never said I hated all adoption commercials...

Just said I hated the unrealistic tone, and the implications, of these particular commercials.

[mlbsands]

stinky kitty.. I am sorry that you felt like you had no other chice and that your family was not more supportive. One thing I do wish was more available to pregnant women (especially young women) is the fact that everyone does have a choice.. and that there are programs out there to helpo women to parent. Including some group homes and other independant living situations for teens that want to parent.

Although we are not seeking adoption now, I still talk with pregnant women looking for options and encourage them to look for these kinds of programs. If I know where they live I help them to the research.

More teens shouls be educated that they DO have a choice and can parent if they want... (that choice may indeed mean leaving thier home)

When we were looking at adoption situations we only made ourselves open to situations where ther parents WANTED to place.. and not situations where someone was being "talked into" placing,,

I am sorry that your family was not more supportive.

mandy