[Skye Hardwick]

Hi all,

I thought I'd share a more recent article. Not sure how long I will leave it up ..but here it is.

As always, my work is copyrighted , so please do not use it or copy it - thanks!

{Keep in mind, I cannot nor do I try to speak for everyone}

When She Walks Away
By: Skye Hardwick © 2005

I wrote this post in response to an adoptive mother's post, but I think I will turn it into an article of sorts for the magazine. Major work in process, but I thought I would offer up another point of view .. a 'possible' point of view on why a firstmother may walk away from an open adoption.

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<<By all the reading I've done in the past, it seems that some nmom's feel that by walking away, they walk away from the pain not realizing that by doing that they lose out on much more.>>

This can be true, but let's take this a step further. What if she really believes she has nothing to offer. Finding your place in your child's life post-adoption is a task no firstmom is prepared for. They aren't even aware that this is a rite of passage in first-motherhood. But it is.

If you will, relax, breathe a few deep breathes and imagine the best you could being in an expecting and considering mom's shoes. Most of your pregnancy you are fed the message (from the agency, social worker, family, boyfriend, friends, society, yourself, etc) that adoption is a loving choice, and a selfless one at that. You are told you are "doing the right thing" and that you are "selfless". Sounds good, right? .......

But think about the message those well meaning words hold - to apply it to myself, I became a "hero" or "selfless" when I gave up my baby to someone else. I made a "loving choice" when I chose a mother other than myself for my own daughter. What does that say ... That I am not good enough. Sure, sure, sure, on the surface, mothers know they are good enough, etc ... but at the core of it, the adoption choice stings.

You are surrounded by people praising you for literally separating yourself from your own flesh and blood. Sure, they don't say it like that, but again, through 'adoption catch phrases' such as "Wow, what a good mother you are for choosing adoption!" {read: wow, to be a good mom I had to give away my baby. If I would have kept my child, does that mean I would have been a bad mother?} a firstmom may (I can't speak for everyone) come to believe that she isn't good enough. She has nothing to offer.

All that can seriouly wear on a mother's mind and heart. And then people expect/hope the firstmom makes the transition from hearing one way or another "the best thing is to separate: you are not the best thing" to wanting to be around for openness. But those old messages still play in her mind and she thinks, "Why even bother being in an open adoption ...if I wasn't good enough to parent her, I am not good enough to "birth-parent" her, right?" The messages clash ..."Surrender your child ...yet hang around sometimes?" So she bails. She doesn't know she loses out on much more, for she thinks she is part of the problem.

Now, the adoption is final. Although a firstmom may have chose an open adoption, she never knew it would be this hard. It's hard to be all gung-ho for an open adoption when you hold your child as a newborn and you find that you cannot burp her right or you just cannot hold her the right way ..... or at five months old and he/she cries for his mother and not you. Open adoption doesn't feel so cuddly then, does it? Or when your child falls down on the ground and you go to comfort them and they push you aside to go look for comfort from the mother they know. Ouch. Again, openness stings. But the agency doesn't want you to know that.

I know I had to many times remind myself: "Okay, this sucks. This hurts. My daughter doesn't know me from a hole in the ground, but I will wait and I will be there so she does know me ...and one day, when she is old enough, there will (hopefully) be a breakthrough." And so I wait. Six years later my waiting is paying off. Most firstmoms don't know this .... they think the first year is how is always will be ... the clumsy way they hold their child, the way the are not comforted by their touch, the list goes on. So they run. They hide. They say they have nothing to offer their child because they really believe they have nothing to offer their child.

Just some food for thought. No, I am not making excuses, merely offering up some potentional reasoning to why countless firstparents do not answer emails, letters, calls or the various outreaching by their child's adoptive parents. It isn't always just because it "hurts too much" ..sometimes they really do believe that they have nothing to offer. It isn't an adoptive parent's job to fix them or the situation, because in truth it is a journey a firstmother must travel for herself, however, there are ways to reach out to your child's firstmother ..even if it's sending correspondence to a dusty folder sitting in an adoption agency.

An adoptive mother once told me, "Why should I send pictures, she doesn't respond."

To which I stated ... do you send the pictures you promised for a response, or because it's the right thing to do?

Because even if when the years pass and she never responds, your child will ask "Mommy, you said you promised to send my birthmom pictures, did you?" ... what will your answer be?

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I asked many questions that are only for you to answer ... I just wanted to give you all another possible perspective.

To read more of my work - you can click on my profile and there should be a link.

Thanks for reading -

Skye

[bromanchik]

Skye,
You know I love your work, but I just wanted to say it publicly. This article is so right on.

[tobeafamily]

Skye,

Thank you so much for this.

Regina

[Skye Hardwick]

Thanks ladies!

[Isabo]

Bumping up this article. It is great and always timely.

[Dmommab]

Awesome article! And I believe you are absolutely right. As an adoptive mom in an open adoption (thru foster care) I wondered why the kids' birth mom hasn't contacted me in approximately 2 months when previously she called me AT LEAST 2-3 times a week. It probably is just to difficult for her to deal with right now. Her 6 year old and 3 year old children have a "forever family" that doesn't include her on a daily basis. Add to this the fact that she has a 2 year old, a 1 year old & is due again any day with another baby I believe it is just too emotionally overwhelming for her right now. I continue to send her pictures & letter updating her on the kids & when she is ready (if ever) we will visit her again - it's her call.

[gottahavehope]

Thanks Skye!! I needed to read that right now.

Love and peace,
K

[patti Daniels]

"Or when your child falls down on the ground and you go to comfort them and they push you aside to go look for comfort from the mother they know. Ouch. Again, openness stings. But the agency doesn't want you to know that. "
I read your article and I was touched by the words that you wrote. I am an adoptive mom. I have a question I would like to ask. If the child wanted you to comfort them and pushed the adoptive mom away would that make you feel less hurt? I realize that walking away from a child hurts. But wouldn't it hurt more it the child did not love the adoptive mom. I had a foster child for four years and he left. I was a kinship foster parent for two sets of twins. One set was five years old and the other set was newborns. They were siblings. We cared for the children and loved them for three months. The mom completed rehab and the children were returned to her. ( she is doing great with the children ) I thought I would never be able to go on with my life without the children. This is my story about how I became an adoptive mom. I would have never been a mother without a birthmom. After my husband and I married we wanted children. We thought it would be easy to have a family. Well, that was not to be. I was married seven years and we remained childless.The last specialist we visited told us to go on with our life. He stated, "You will never have children and you are lucky because children are a pain anyway." We walked to the car got in and did not say a work to each other. My husband never listens to the radio, but he turned on the radio. A song came through the speakers with the words, " there has to be rain if there is ever going to be a rainbow." I have never heard this song since that day, but it seemed to fit God's plan. We applied at every adoption agency that was in our state and some located out of our state. We were told it would be several years before we would be able to adopt due to long waiting list. Well, nine months later our daughter was born. The birth mother was going to college and gave the child up for adoption. I think about your words, but I realize I would have never been a mom without her. I feel a special connection to the birthmom. She will always have a special place in my heart. It was a closed adoption that is now open. She is in my daughter's life and I want her to stay in our daughter's life. She gave me a gift and she is welcome to share our daughter. Thank you for helping me understand the pain the birthmom must feel.