[michpadams]

We had an open adoption with our now 6 year old daughters birthparents. When she was born the visits were really pretty instrusive and very frequent. By the time my daugther was 5 we asked to cut our face to face visists to twice a year and asked that those visits be for situaitons that would be a normal introduction into our daughters life. This ended up being her birthday party and around Christmas. At that time my daughter was really going through a tough time and just begining to realize what adoption meant although she was scared (will they take me once they are ready to be parents again?..etc) so this seemed like a good compromise. Unfortunetely here birthparents did not like this arrangement and felt uncomfortable and our reply was "well we are sorry you feel that way". As a result about 12 months ago we received an e-mail stating they would no longer be in contact with us and that they will develop a relationship once my daugther is older. My daugher is growing up and is now really able to understand more about adoption and the permanence of it. She remembers her birthparents coming to see her and wants to know why they won't now. I don't know what to say. I have tried to e-mail her birthmother apologizing for all the mistakes we have made and asked that, if nothing else, perhaps she and our daughter could exchange letters....I know the e-mail was received but there was no reply. Then my daugther asked to mail her a picture. I sent it to her PO box and no reply (but it was received). My daugther is desperate to have her questions answered and know her birthparents. She is really ready now but I don't know what to do. Any advice is welcome

[BrandyHagz]

She may be scared that you’re opening the relationship back up only to slam it in her face again…I have to say, I’m not so surprised by the lack of response…

All you can do is continue to try…she may or may not come around…

[SchmennaLeigh]

Well, like Brandy, I'm not surprised at the lack of reply. I would be far too frightened of being hurt, again, to stick my neck out on the chopping block. I would like to think that I would do it since it would be what is best for my child but I would definitely be scared and need some prodding.

My suggestion is to keep emailing and/or writing.

AHHA! I came up with a better idea.

Perhaps have your daughter write a brief letter. Just have her write about herself. Don't tell your daughter that it is TO her birthmother because you don't need her to feel sad if she doesn't reply right away. Include a letter form YOU stating that your daughter wrote the letter and really wants her back in her life.

I think that would tug at even the most wary of heartstrings.

[tobeafamily]

Well OK we don't always do or say the right things - go easy on us aparents. We're imperfect creatures. Her daughter was having a rough time and it sounds like she was acting in the best interests of the child which is really what it's all about, right?

Somehow, you've got to get them on that page. Here are some thoughts:

Your daughter at 6 is now old enough to communicate directly with her bfamily, though in a supervised manner. I think they need to hear from her about her fears, and also about how she missed them and how sad she is now that they've abandoned (yes, that's the right word) her. They are responsible and answerable to her for all their behavior, decisions, etc. This is not 'tugging on the heartstrings' this is facing the consequences for your decision to withdraw. That is, hurting the 6 year old you love so much you chose other parents for them.

Second, you might consider engaging the services of a third-party neutral mediator to help work through this. Someone experienced in adoption - perhaps from your agency, a religious leader, etc. Maybe they can get you all to the table where you can talk through your various hurts and get beyond them.

You've done your part, apologizing for what you've done. Now it's time for them to be grownups and for you all to work together to do what's best for this child. What they're doing now is as damaging as what was happening before.

This is not about aparents getting hurt (when you see your child terrified and such, it hurts folks) or bparents getting hurt (because things change as this child grows and HER needs change), this is about the child getting hurt, and what is happening now hurting her not only emotionally but developmentally. Can we say 'fear of abandonment' folks? Oops, say something wrong and your birthfamily dumps you. Heavy stuff for a 6 year old.

Lastly, you might want to get in touch with Brenda Romanchik at Open Adoption Insight (google it). She might have some suggestions or ideas for you.

Best of luck.

Regina

[SchmennaLeigh]

Regina,

Neither Brandy nor I said anything about being perfect. We offered up the fact that we would have been hurt. We gave the perspective of a birthparent. Neither of us condemned her. I gave her info on a good way to contact.

I am of the utmost belief that this relationship can be fixed. The birthparents just need to know that they can trust the adoptive family again. Trust, once broken, takes awhile to fix. (And that's in ANY relationship.) It takes time, hard work and sometimes creative endeavors.

I still say to go with a letter from the daughter. Kids handwriting is touching to even those without kids!

[tobeafamily]

Jenna,

Speaking for myself, the language was harsh. "Sticking my neck out on the chopping block", "door slammed in my face". This is condemning language - because what those words SAY is that this aparent chopped her child's bparents heads off and slammed the door in their face. Ouch.

What makes it seem, well, judgemental is that first, I'm not entirely sure from the post that's what happened, more a we need to reduce visits b/c DD's having a rough time right now and they apparently didn't like hearing that and a wall got built. Second, she's accepted her role and is wanting to work through it. I suspect she gets that she hurt them, b/c she's apologized, and gets that trust has been strained.

My point: Go easy on her. She's doing her best. Telling her in so many words about how what she did was chop heads off and slam doors isn't productive. Helping her with methods that rebuild trust is wonderful, and I agree that words from this young girl may do wonders b/c it may help them realize that in the end it's all about what this little girl needs, period. And she needs them.

I hope the relationship is fixable, based on one post it's impossible to say. I'll offer any experience I have to make it so.

IMHO

Regina

[SchmennaLeigh]

Regina,

I understand that we always want to do what is in the best interest of the child. However, you simply are refusing to look at this from a birthparent's view. They trusted that they would be allowed to remain in an open adoption and then were denied that contact. Yes, trust issues would form.

Examples outside of adoption:

A friend of mine used to be a great confidante, never revealing my inner most thoughts to anyone else. However, she broke that trust by telling something of importance to someone else of importance, which should have been left to me. Do I now trust her with pertinent info? No. Did I shun her completely? No. But we are slowly working to regain trust.

In adoption:

The "agency" that we went through promised me the world, including the simple post-placement counseling. After they lied to me about the legalities regarding open adoption, I didn't trust them. When I got the courage up to approach them about counseling, they literally slammed the door in my face. Do I trust them? No. They did it twice. Will I trust them ever again? No.

Trust is something to be earned.

Of course, this is only MY opinion... and I will now shutup.

[DavidKed]

Hi michpadams,

I think that until you can understand what the bparents went through and what they are going through that you will have a heck of a time getting through to them. To be honest, I dont get that sense from your post. I get the sense that you are only reaching out to help out your daughter and that you never would have reached out to the bparents to ease their pain (pain that you must have known they were going through) unless you daughter was in the current situation. I am guessing that comes through in the letters. I dont think a "Hey, I am sorry. My daughter needs you now" type of letter is going to help. In fact, it might just make things worse.

Before anything else, I think you need to connect to them and make them feel like you truly understand. unfortunately, it might be too late.

Regina's posts are always awesome, but I respectfully disagree with the statement, "Now it's time for them to be grownups and for you all to work together to do what's best for this child.". I just don't think that will work. They are likely devastated beyond belief and they are likely incapable at this point of working together in the best interest of the child. That is an easy approach to take from an aparent perspective. It is a nearly impossible post from a hurt bparent perspective.

The bmom of my son to this day refuses contact because of the aparent actions. I know she loves our son more than anything and I believe she would die for him. Yet, she will not contact him in large part because of the aparents. It is that simple.

I felt the same way as the bmom. I was exchanging letters with my son when he was 12 and I simply stopped. They sent me a very insensitive letter and all the anger towards the adoption and the aparents boiled over and I just stopped. They wrote me a letter asking me to reengage and I simply didn't respond. In fact, it probably made it less likely that I would contact my son. They could have written me every week for 4 years and begged and pleaded and I would not have returned a single letter. The only way I ever would have responded is if they somehow let me know that they understood and that they would be sensitive to that. It is funny, but if you asked me during those 4 years if I loved my son and whether I would do anything for him I would have told you yes. However, I still wouldnt write him. It is hard to explain.

I am going at this from personal experience so I could be way off. However, that is how I see it.

Good luck.

[paigeturner]

michpadams,

Don't get nervous, we're all pretty nice people (just opinionated!)

I find your post admirable. You acknowlege that the bparents feelings were hurt and you're trying to do the best thing for your daughter. As a birthparent myself, I would have been hurt, but hopfully I would be able to put the hurt aside for my birthchild. It might take time. I liked Jenna's idea of having your daughter write about herself to her bparents.

I hope this all works out for all involved.

Paige

[cathy102]

I have to agree with Brandy and SchmennaLeigh on this one. You went from visiting all the time and then you wanted to cut it down to a few times a year. I would of been hurt by that. I can see why she won't respond back to your emails. I'm sure they are afraid of what else could happen.

I would keep emailing her. They probably just need time to think things out. It's been not even 1 month, do just be patient with them. May I ask why you didn't want visits as much as you used to??

Cathy

[tobeafamily]

OK at the risk of being annoying,

Who loses when someone is so hurt that they don't respond? The aparents? Yes, to some extent. Who REALLY loses? The child. And it's the child who learns not ever to really trust, b/c if you say or do the wrong thing (and in an immature mind, that can be greatly misconstrued) you lose. I've seen kids hysterical b/c they think the reason daddy left was because they didn't eat their peas at dinner. 6 year olds.

Open adoption is for the child. Not for the aparents or for the bparents. Yes, it can be challenging. It's hard. It hurts. I guess in my mind for anyone to cut off the other because they're hurt, they can't get over it, etc. is selfish, plain and simple. Because you're putting yourself ahead of this child, who did nothing wrong but is being punished anyway. IMHO the only reason you cut contact off completely is b/c of a threat to physical or imminent psychological harm. Note BTW the aparents didn't cut it off, just asked for a reduction, b/c of psychological issues. It's the bparents who closed it b/c they didn't like the reduction.

If this were an aparent saying "it hurts too much, we can't respond to the bparents pleas to re-establish contact, we just can't trust them, etc.' they'd be fried here. Crispy. Because it's a bparent rejecting, somehow the pain is different, and therefore it's ok to cut the child off.

That's what I mean when I say that the grownups should act like grownups. We all have pain, and yes, that pain runs deep and wide and raw. It may not have the same source, and we deal with it in different ways. We should not use that as an excuse to punish a child who did nothing wrong except be born to people who were not ready to parent her.

Jenna, you're right, I can't see this as a bparent because I've never been one. I can empathize and I do not deny that they are in great pain. That was never my point. My point is that they should not use their pain to punish the child they love who did absolutely nothing wrong. You bet it's about trust, and this child is learning a very sad lesson - that they can never trust those who profess to love them more than life itself.

IMHO

Regina

[scarlet52698]

I can certainly understand the bparents not wanting to open themselves up again out of fear of having contact broken off. However, were that my birthchild I'd jump at the chance to be there for them in anyway that I could.

The child is the only one who had no choice in the adoption. Any pain that I might feel as a result of opening up again, is worth it to be there for the child. I'm coming from the experience of a closed adoption which I'm sure influences how I feel about this.

It's a shame contact was broken off at all, but now it's time to think about what this child needs emotionaly. JMHO

[Jensboys]

What MIGHT work better than a letter is a tape recording of your daughter's voice in a discussion with you about WHY she wants to know and see her birthparents. What she thinks about it .... how often she wants to see them etc.

That removes the middle man so to speak and makes it FAR more of a personal attempt.

Just a thought...

[michpadams]

Firstly I will try and clarify my relationship with my daughters birthfamily. To do that I need to start at the beginning. Even prior to my daugther being born her birthparents were requesting a very open adoption. We said we were really not comfortable with monthly visits. Labor started early and before all negotiations could take place daugther was here. The birthparents asked us to sign a contract specifying monthly visits until she was 18. We told them that in our conscience we just could not do that. We were HONEST about how we felt even if it meant losing this child. We said we were more comfortable with yearly visits. They ended up seeing her every month for the first year and every few months the second year. All the while we were explaining that we were not comfortable with this amount of contact but the push kept happening. When she was a few years old we had a meeting where we AGREED to less visits. The hold on things was specifically for my daughter and was for a short period of time. I am sorry but I can't apologize for doing that. As a parent I STILL feel like it was the right thing to do. Following this we really wanted to ease into it to allow DD sort of lead the way based on her comfort level which is why coming to her b-day party was an excellent time...no pressure etc. but they refused. Please don't think I slammed the door. We have been more open in this adoption than we ever agreed to or felt comfortable with and we have been honest from the beginning.

My daughter remembers them coming and has written a letter but there was no response. My husband has decided to write an e-mail even leaving it open to us allowing them to see DD without us present if they are angry with us. They really are great people and I know they love DD. We are willing to do whatever it takes and I hope it is seen that way.

Thanks for the advice. It is always good to have a birthparents experience. One thing I have learned from adoption is that birthparents will never know what it is like to be adoptive parents and adoptive parents will never know what it is like to be a birthparent. I won't try to understand but I do appreciate the honesty.

[michpadams]

Thanks for the support. I appreciate it