[Ragnarok]

I am sorry you had to go through that. Relative adoption must be so hard.

I think they will get over it. They are young, Jayden is young. I wanted my son back too at first. Lay the groundwork now, like you are doing, and it will make the long road better.

[Cobb]

((((HUGS)))))

I can tell from your post that all of these conversations were difficult, but also get the sense that you're feeling a measure of relief too... As hard as it is, all the cards are now on the table. Hopefully, you will be able to build from here. Even if it takes awhile, you will always know that you're doing what's best for your son.

Please let us know how things go.

Warm wishes heading your way...

[sugarbabysmommy]

My what a day. I am so glad that some of your extended family is more understanding. I hear more strength in your voice. Thank heavens your nephew is going to go to counseling, hopefully being able to talk with someone not emotionally involved will help him. Maybe the bmom will follow. Gosh they are at such a hard age, everything is about them, any remark, any look, as far as they are concerned is about them. The wonderful thing is we (if all goes well) only get older. Boy, you couldn't pay me to be fifteen again, yew.

take care

[tobeafamily]

The good news is that things are out in the open now. Also that you understand where they are in their grieving process. It's important for everyone's mental health that they not 'pretend' that this didn't happen. Denial is more than a river in Egypt, it can be very damaging to relationships long-term.

Now for you, remember it's OK and natural for them to be angry, anger is fear of loss and they fear they have lost something (though it might or might not be what is obvious to you). Alos remember that anger is transient, this too shall pass.

So be compassionate, while remaining firm. Yes, it's hard on everyone. In the long view, it will make things easier for everyone b/c you all understand where each other 'stands'.

Hang in there.

Regina

[jaydensmommy]

Didn't think it could get worse. Bmom is calling my other sister's kids (not the bfather's mom) (ages 16 and 14) and are telling them lies, saying I put Jaydensmommy on my AOL screen name just to get back at her (it was done a long time ago and I never even wanted her to know about it), saying I'm not living up to what I agreed to do, that I won't let her see Jayden. My sister (the one who agrees with me) told them that bmom is lying and told her how I was bending over backwards to try to accommodate them all these months. My niece didn't want to hear it (she's best friends with bmom) and thinks that I'm just being mean. My nephew told my sister that I'm not the mom (bmom - insert name) is the mom and he's gonna let Jayden know that I"m not his him. My other niece, whom I have up here due to some problems with the family, IM'd the bmom and asked her why she was saying stuff about me and she said she isn't badmouthing me. At least this niece understands that I won't lie and keep my word. I have cared for her on and off since she was 2 years old and her dad died (she doesn't get along with her stepfather). I knew I'd probably havep roblems with bfather and that sister, but not my other sister's children.

I let the sister of the 16 and 14 year old know that if they are going to talk like that around Jayden it's not going to be acceptable and that if they want a relationship with Jayden they are going to have to accept the adoption and that I am his mom.

I really hope all this blows over. It's really nice though to have this forum and get feedback from everyone. I really appreciate it. I'm probably just rambling now, just had to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening.

Debbie

[Cobb]

(((((Jaysensmommy)))))

That's what we're here for. Sometimes you have to vent before you can broach the issues calmly in life... This is the perfect place. I really have no advice, but want you to know you have lots of support. I can tell that you have only the best intentions for everyone...

I really hope that all works out, but know it may take some time...

[Dianna]

jaydensmommy, I am glad to hear that you have the backbone to stand up for your son and do what is right even though it may not be popular. When we adopted our first son, I let my sil's take him places before I should have and it took twice as long for him to form a secure attachment. Even then they didn't understand how my situation was different from their birth children. It has taken almost 10 years for this to become a non-issue. My son was 2 1/2. I can't imagine a 7 month old being away from his mom like that.

Imo children need a strong loving Mom who will take care of them and keep them safe until they trust to feel safe with other people. You are entitled to be his Mom and you are doing just that. He is the one you are obligated to, not bmom and not nephew. They have their Moms to help them. Jayden has you. Keep on with what you know is right and it will work out in the end. The birth parents are kids also and that is why you are the one raising Jayden. I hope you have some support to make the road easier within your family. If not, we are here for you.

[sugarbabysmommy]

Is there anyway to find an (open adoption) agency that will be willing to do mediation? One in their town perhaps that all of you could visit the next time you come to town. I'm sorry. I wish I had words of wisdom.

[tobeafamily]

Debbie,

They're teenagers, all of them. At these ages they're all 'into the drama' of things and how all adults are 'against' them. Since Jaden's bmom can't find much support amongst the adults, she's going to go wherever people will say "Omygod, I can't believe they're doing that to you it's so wrong how can you endure?" Notice the only ones she can find who will 'buy' into this are her peers. They're not sophisticated, cause-and-effect, multiple angle rational thinkers.

So here's the thing. Treat them all like the children they are. When nephew says 'you're not the real mom' just smile and say 'I can understand you're confused. Maybe some day when you're older you'll undrerstand.' or similar expressions. Same for the 'unfair' comments - gee, I'm sorry you feel that way. Maybe when you're older you'll understand. Or my mom's favorite comeback 'life's unfair. Deal with it.'

Whatever you do, don't let them get a rise out of you. Don't defend on their level, arguing that you are doing what you said, even above and beyond, or who Jaden's mommy is, etc. They want to think you're mean? Good for them. If they want to argue, simply say "I love you too much to argue with you." Period.

The more confident, controlled, and immaleable you are (as much as it may hurt your heart) the quicker it'll resolve and blow over.

I realize this is draining. I think though like with most teen-manufactured-drama it will blow over, especially if you don't feed the drama in any way.

Hang in there.

Regina

[Lorie Long]

Hi, Jaydensmommy.
I am also going through a very very similar situation. My DS was 4 years old when I adopted him from my cousin. We did not have a counselor either (actually I have done the couseling sortof and have been asked by other family members to help her through this). I have been searching my area for a counselor familiar with open adoptions to no avail. I feel like we need a mediator. I fear that if I say things that need to be said it can be turned around to make me out to be a bad guy. Our situations sound identical except for the child's age. My DS knows who his bmom is. It is complicated, but I've really needed some support here lately. I am so glad I found this forum. I've had no one to talk to.

[jaydensmommy]

Hi. Just wanted to update everyone. Things are going somewhat better now. My nephew (birthfather) has gotten some counseling and continues to see his counselor who is helping him, especially dealing with his regretting the decision to put his child up for adoption.

His ex-girlfriend (b-mom) is another story. She complains that she cannot see Jayden often enough yet when we are down in California (for maybe 5-7 days at a time) she will see him 15-30 minutes during the whole 5-7 days we are down in California. The lines of communication are at least open again and I have suggested that she get counseling. SHe said she will look into it but hasn't so far.

Also, my other nieces and nephew (cousins of b-dad and friends of b-mom) have come around to accepting the adoption and realize that I am doing what I can to continue contact if b-mom chooses.

I am probably going to visit the subject of visitations around Jayden's first birthday to revisit visitation consistency let her know that I want consistency in Jayden's life and that I don't want her bouncing in and out of his life over the years, wanting some type of commitment one way or the other and we'll hopefully go from there.

Debbie