[looksee1]

Our son is 2 1/2. We agreed with pic/letters 2x year and we have been doing that without fail. The first year we did more pictures and letters and also a month of email correspondence, at our birthmother's request.

Here's the thing, our birthmother asked for email correspondence again, and we agreed, for her sake, but we didn't want to. When we did it last time, it was emotionally exhausting. I felt so bad for her, and she seemed to need so much from us that it consumed my life during that time. It was very draining, because I care so much. Also, we are trying to adopt a second and wanted to see what that scenario was first so that they could be the same. Also, we wanted to be guided by what our child needed and we obviously don't know yet, since he is so young.

Anway, our agency really leaned on us to do this; a massive guilt trip. "It's in the best interest of the child, don't be selfish, it's the least you can do, etc." I absoultely can't stand that. I am his mother, his advocate, his protector. I was beginning to think about this issue on my own and then they had to go ramming it down my throat, and then telling our birthmom that they had "convinced me," which serves the double harm of making her feel like we don't care about her and making me so resentful that I really don't feel like participating at all. What do they know about us anyway?

OK, I'm done venting. Tell me what you think.

[Volfe]

I posted on your other thread but why don't you pick up a book on open adoption, there are many good ones (I read the Open Adoption Experience and have not yet read, James Gritter's The Spirit of Open Adoption). Get one, tell your agency yes, you understand their points, you're doing some research on it now, and to back off (but tell them you're doing the email ifyou are).

Read the book, it will help you with understanding their point of view, and also help explain the boundaries I mentioned before (well the one I read did).
I don't feel i'm writing this very coherently (I'm working on absorbing every drop of coffee!) but boundaries and understanding will go a long way towards losing the stress and being able to enjoy the relationship with the birth mother.

Maia

[looksee1]

I have read the two books you suggested, as well as a couple more. I've prayed about it, thought about, obsessed about it. We are very happy with our pic/letters arrangement. It is a semi-open arrangement. It's what WE think is in the best interest of our child, not that the agency thinks that's relevant. This way, when our son is ready, we can contact our bmom and he can have the type of relationship that is best for him, when HE needs it, not when bmom needs it, or when we need it, but when HE needs it and to the extent that HE chooses. In the meantime, she receives two huge letters and as many pictures as she can stand, as well as our Christmas letter with all of our son's doings, to reassure that he is happy and well. And, if either of us needs the other for any reason during the rest of the year, we can get in contact with each other through the agency. Why is this arrangement so objectionable? Why does the agency have to vilify us? We live across the United States from bmom, what are we supposed to do, fly out there?

I understand that bmom has needs that may not necessarily be what our son needs, and to the extent that they do not harm him, which they do not at this point, we will put aside our needs (agency doesn't think we're allowed to have any) and meet hers, every time. But I wish people would be honest here. At 2 1/2, my son does not care about email from bmom. This email arrangement is for her, plain and simple.

[michellemartin]

I contact Kara's parents probably weekly through email. Its probably alot for them right now, but you're right, its something I NEED. I need that to heal, to move on. In the past your childs bmom maybe did not have what she needed to heal and is asking for it now. I'm not saying you HAVE to give it to her. You're right your son probably doesnt care right this second about the email from his bmom. Maybe she could write him a letter each year or a couple times a year for you to save for when he is older. Volfe, can I quote you again?? LOL doing it anyway. Not an exact quote, but something I feel really relates.
Think of your son as he ages. When he was really little he couldnt stand to not be right there with you. As he gets older he wanders from you a bit more each time. In the beginning its just moments and he comes back to check. As he gets older he checks back less frequently.
Now for a bmom to heal she needs to "check" frequently. I know you said you had email to begin with, and it was really intense. Her feelings about adoption may not be so intense now. But with the email dropping she may not have been able to "check" as much as she needed to to heal. Does that make sense? So now she is going back to that to hopefully be able to move past it... Just my thoughts. I think letting her "check" as she needs to will benifit her in the end, and possibly you and your son also. In the end if she is more stable with her feelings relating to adoption that will definitely benifit your son if he chooses to meet her.

[BrandyHagz]

Looksee, it sounds like what you want is for someone to tell you that you’re doing the right thing…so here you go.

You are not required to go beyond what your original agreement states…so as long as you are adhering to what that original agreement outlined, you are well within your rights to limit contact to letters/pictures a few times a year, that is, after all, the agreement that everyone agreed to.

I will go on to say, that this type of situation is the exact reason why I advocate for expectant parents to choose adoptive parents who want more contact than they do…because people change, things change…

Open adoption relationships (which is not really what you have, I consider what you have more of a semi-closed, rather than semi-open) require a lot of work…a lot of commitment…just like any other relationship.

I grew up knowing my birthmother…I’m glad I did…I didn't have to wonder or question…the answers were always right there for me (well, some of the answers…I am not privy to the identity of my birthfather)…

If you feel like the agency you used isn’t advocating for you…then tell them they are no longer welcome to call you…that’s the bottom line.

In my opinion, a more open adoption is always better for the child…I say that from my personal experience as an adoptee…so if there is some way you can put aside your personal reservations about it, and open it up a bit…I think you will be happy with the end reward….but you aren’t required to do anything above and beyond the initial agreement that you all agreed to…

[tobeafamily]

I think that we can't be made to feel guilty about anything that we're OK with in our heart & soul. We are only bothered by things we see in others that bother us about ourselves.

So, if you're truly OK with how things are, then how could anyone make you feel guilt?

Just a thought to reflect on.

Regina

[Jensboys]

Hi I am an adoptive mom of 2 boys and a bio mom of two more boys.

I agree that right now openness seems to be JUST for the birth mom of your son. Your son is fairly oblivious to the relationship and adoption in general and you are doing alot of work for not alot of "payoff" for your child. That is also why open adoption at this stage is also the hardest for the birth mom. She has all these feelings of love and entitlement to a little person who thinks she is a stranger - I would say that ages 1-4 are the toughest for open adoption for everyone because the benefits arent really visible to ANYONE.

But I do want to say that in a BLINK (you cant imagine really how fast it is) your son WILL understand how you have valued his birthmom and how much she loves him and why she is important to him.

You cannot put the weight of a decision of this magnitude on a little person to decide if its a valuable relationship because he wont have a clue for many years WHY the relationship is valuable. In the same way if you and your husband divorced, it wouldnt be left up to a 2 year old to decide to see his daddy - it would be assumed by the adults in the situation (sometimes a judge etc) that knowing his daddy was important to him - thus he would see him.

My boys are now 8 and 9 years old and I cannot begin to tell you how having contact has helped THEIR self perception. How it has affected their ability to love all of themselves.

Noone is asking you to move across the country, noone is saying that you have to talk to bmom every day, but I think, most would say that it is important for her healing that you respect that her needs/values have changed since placement. Just as you couldnt possibly imagine how much you would love your son once he was yours, she couldnt possibly imagine how much it would hurt her to give him up. She also couldnt fathom what she would need to help herself heal - and yes, that might mean visits and email and phone calls.

You are NOT responsible for her pain, but you can help her on her healing journey. And in the end - the ultimate recipient his your son. His birthmom becomes someone he can be proud of, someone he has been taught to respect and to love. Therefore he sees himself as lovable.

Noone ever says that open adoption is about what "feels good" or "feels right" ... its tough tough tough work!

[looksee1]

Wow, you guys, this is really helping me. Really. I am so glad to hear from an adoptee that it helped having that relationship with your birthparent be that open. I will do anything for my son; that part's easy. We had an adoption counselor, who unfortunately left our agency, who was an adoptee and she said that she did NOT want to meet her bmom until she was almost 30 and felt that too much openness was not good for her, and that's the only real info we've had so far, so that's what we were going on. So, it's good to hear that openness really can be rewarding for the child.

And also, upon reflection, I think you're right that I wouldn't be able to made to feel guilty if I didn't feel that way to begin with. I guess I do feel guilty in wanting to enjoy time with my son to the exclusion of bmom. She was not very validating to me for the longest time (calling our son "my baby" over and over again in those emails a while back, even when he was over a year old), and I think I recoiled. I wanted to claim him as my own and I was tired of "sharing" him with not just her, but everyone at church and elsewhere, who wanted to touch him and be with him. I felt like I never got time with him alone to establish our bond, so I just withdrew for a time. I feel bad about that, guilty. So perhaps it's just the right time to make good and we will all be blessed by the effort.

[Jensboys]

Just remember that you have a lifetime relationship with her ... and relationships have ups and downs, good days and bad. There really is no book that could ever prepare us for the complexities of these relationships. Just as you cant fathom what she is feeling, she probably cant fathom your insecurities either. Sometimes taking a leap and being completely honest can pay off. I wish you well on this process and know that although its never easy, it does REALLY pay off.

[BrandyHagz]

Looksee

Most adoptees from the closed era will tell you what that person told you...when the fact is, they don't really know *how* they'd feel, because they were never in that position.

I can't imagine growing up in a closed adoption...just like those in a closed adoption can't imagine growing up in an open adoption.

Many people talk about parent confusion and loyalties...and I have to say, I just don't get it, it just wasn’t an issue for me.

Based on your last post, it sounds like you had a counselor who really called the shots in the placement…at least on your end…it shouldn’t be that way, they should really be there to support your decision, rather than influencing the decision you have to make.

Again, I’m a big openness advocate…but rest assured, for every one of my pro-openness posts, there will be one anti-openness post…it’s a divided topic…one you’re going to have to really sit down and think long and hard about before you make your decision.

One last word of advice…DO NOT let someone else guide you thru this! Take advice from every side, evaluate it based on how you feel, not how someone else feels and then move forward on your own course…no one here (or anywhere, for that matter) can tell you how your son will feel in the future with or without openness…every person is different!

[Cobb]

I agree with Brandy in that this has to be your own decision. You need to do what you can feel at peace with.

I do want to add one more thought to consider while you're gathering information. If you decide that you don't want more openness and one day you support your son in meeting her, how would you feel if she told him that she wanted to have more contact, but you wouldn't let her? How would your son feel? Not to say that this will happen, but it could...

Also, I think that really setting some solid boundries would go a long way in dealing with your insecurities. For instance, if you decide to be open to email communication, set a limit on how often. I think it would be overwhelming if I was recieving emails several times a day, whereas one or more a week wouldn't be an inconvienence... That's just me. I'm just suggesting you really evaluate where your comfort level is and verbalize it to the bmom... Also, be honest that her saying the "my baby" is hurtful for you. She may not even realize that she's doing it. And, since time has passed, she may not do it again, if you decide to open up communication. In general, I think there is always room to compromise.

I wish you much luck and have a lot of respect for your willingness to really consider what is best for all parties. Your intentions are in the right place, so I think that whatever you decide it will all work out.

[katieb31323]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

Looksee


Based on your last post, it sounds like you had a counselor who really called the shots in the placement…at least on your end…it shouldn’t be that way, they should really be there to support your decision, rather than influencing the decision you have to make.

One last word of advice…DO NOT let someone else guide you thru this! Take advice from every side, evaluate it based on how you feel, not how someone else feels and then move forward on your own course…no one here (or anywhere, for that matter) can tell you how your son will feel in the future with or without openness…every person is different!

I agree wholeheartedly with what Brandy said here. We worked with a total of 8 Social Workers/Counselors during the adoptions of our 3 children and many were quite pushy beliving their philosophy was the only correct one and all we needed to do was get with the program and get on board. Looking back I can't help but think how much fun it would be to get at least 3 of them in the same room to debate the issues.

When it comes down to it, this relationship is between you and your sons birthparents for the good of your son. You need to do what is best for each other and support each other as much as you can, and know relationships, all relationships change and have there ups and downs. Hopefully, more ups then downs!

I hope you are able to have some peace with this soon and find some joy in this relationship!
Kathy

[Cobb]

I just wanted to send a big thumbs up to Jensboys. That a child's self esteem is tied to the attitudes towards their birthparents by those around them is so true! Obviously this is not an issue in this situation. But, the three girls we had with us were told by previous caregivers that their bmom was a "bad mommy". We had to work so hard to get them to see their mom as a good person, who made some inappropriate decisions in her life. This was so important because they identified as having come from her. We had a hard time helping them see that they were worth being healthy for, worth being taken care of... Also, because they knew I loved their mom even though I was angry with some of the decisions she made, it helped to validate their own confusing feelings towards her.

Again, looksee1, I'm not suggesting that you are or will be negative about your son's bmom. In fact, your posts suggest the contrary. Jens post just prompted some general thoughts that I had.

[looksee1]

Cobb, I was thinking about what you were saying, and you're right, I don't want to be the one to keep them apart. In our case, our bmom is especially wonderful and there is absolutely nothing about her circumstances that I would want to protect my son from. She is a kind, loving human being, and if the agency doesn't force me, I will one day be able to celebrate her motherhood as well as my own.

The only thing that troubles me, on all kinds of levels, is that she has told us many times that if it weren't for the bdad failing to step up to the plate, she would have kept the baby. So, a lot of her letters, including the one she gave us with our son (signed "Mom"), explains his drinking binges in college and all the reasons why this is all his fault. I want him to hear positive things about bfather, particularly when he is an adolecent and really searching for someone to identify with. While we're on the subject of her letters, this is also probably the main source of my insecurity, because as a result of her circumstances, she was unable to validate my motherhood for quite a long time as a result. (The rest is probably my pediatrician's office's refusal to call him the name I gave him until our finalization hearing when he was almost a year old "for legal reasons.") She was 24 when she had him and I think it sunk in that she could have pulled it off on her own (it would be very, very difficult I know), so she is having a lot of second thoughts.

Anyway, our son will grow up knowing how much his bmom loved him and loves him still. There is no question about that. I guess I'm just petulant about our agency telling me what I need to do for him.

I really appreciate everybody's input, from all different sides. It is making a big difference in my thought process.

[tobeafamily]

I can relate very well to your feelings about your son being 'yours'. It's hard sometimes to share him, isn't it? Me too. It's one of those things they don't tell you in those "Parenting an Adopted Child" books. It's hard for me too, especially when they don't react the way I hoped/thought/expected they would to the marvel that is our little boy (who also BTW is 2 1/2).

And yes, there are times when I don't want to share him with anyone and instead I can't ever even say I was his only mother. It helps in our case that Ryan's bfamily are committed and respectful, heck it was Ryan's bgrandma who snapped me out of my "I'm the perfect mommy, see?" routine (she laughed at me....in a loving way, and in not so many words told me it was OK to be human). Our ped is an Adad too, refused to talk to me until I started referring to myself as mommy in appts. So, I'm lucky.

And yet, I can relate. Sounds like y'all need to a) get the agency middlepeople out of the way and b) start having some good one on one conversations, really, about what your relationship is going to be like.

Just some thoughts.

Regina