[NAH]

My husband and I have planned to adopt for sometime (years) now. We have been approached by friends of ours who's 18 year old daughter is expecting, about a potential adoption. The daughter hasn't made any decision, but it has us thinking, of course.
My question is, when we talk with her for the first time about a possible adoption, what should we ask/discuss? Or not talk about? Open adoption is fine with us. I've read some things about letters to birthmoms-good advice-and it makes me wonder if those are the kind of lines we should follow when we speak.
We are new at this and I hope this is a good starting place to ask for assistance. I read about "Reaching Out" book, can anyone give me the author on it?
Many Thanks!

[ketingle]

I only have experience with our daughter's birthmother, and with the stacks of books I read, and all the advice on here, I basically learned one thing. BE HONEST! If you are comfortable with an open adoption, look at what that means to you, so you can explain what you think is workable. We have an open adoption, and it is GRAND for all of us. Our daughter's birthmother tells us how grateful she is to have found us, and we tell her the same all the time! Adoption doesn't have to be this huge secret thing. It can be a wonderful joining of two families to support a little one and can be celebrated. I guess what I am saying is that we went into adoption KNOWING what we wanted. We had a well-defined idea of the type of situation we wanted--I didn't want to experience great joy at the expense of someone else's long term great pain. So, we wanted someone who wanted to keep in touch--at their own pace. It was hard on her at first, but over time, she has found joy too--especially since we have been very consistent in our nurturing of her and her other daughter and have made sure to go beyond the promises in our contract, and we are very close friends now. If you go into this meeting with a description in your head of how much you feel you will be able to share, and an awareness that this young woman really won't know whether this is the right thing until after the baby is born, you'll be fine. You will find the situation that is right for you! People told me that over and over again when we started looking, and you know, we didn't just find any baby, we found OUR baby! She is perfect for us, and we are perfect for her. It will happen--just don't try to force any situation to be THE situation--I hope that makes sense. Just keep looking and asking questions and you will find your child.

[baby2luv]

I also have an open adoption with my daughter's **. Decide where you stand on the open adoption issue. Open adoption can consist of many different avenues. Ours is very open as we have month visits with the maternal birthfamily, email weekly and send pictures. Some are just letters and pictures with no visitations.
We went into our meeting open minded. We felt from our first meeting that the match was meant to be. This was after 2 other ** contacts that did not feel right.
When you meet with the **, ask her what she wants. That way you show that you care about her wants and needs and you also find out exactly what she want and can decide if it is what you want too. You will know if this is the baby for you from your meeting. If you are not comfortable, don't push the match. If this isn't the right match, try to feel at peace that a baby is out there for you. It just may take some time to be connected.

Good luck to you!!!

[sugarbabysmommy]

I don't mean to be a downer, but it seems that before you all talk, she should have come to some decision about choosing adoption. Her parents may be interested in adoption, but she truly may not be and could be having hard time telling them. If she's riding the fence and then is introduced to you, she may feel that the ball is rolling and doesn't have fortitude to stop it. On the other hand, she may have asked her parents to approach you, that's a different deal.

Make the point to her parents you want to meet her if it's *her wish*. She's an individual, and should be treated like one, not treated like the daughter of your friends. If you do meet with her, get to know her, her wishes for herself and for her baby. For now avoid some details, like prenatal care, drug use, just talk about yourselves and her, about your lives. Show genuine interest in her and not just in the baby. Be honest and true to yourself, don't try to be someone other than who you are.

If time comes and you do talk about open adoption, have an idea of what it looks like to you, what you are comfortable with if you do adopt this child. Avoid simply saying you'd love an open adoption, what that means to you and to her might be very different, hurt feeings and misunderstandings can result. (A side note: It's also important for you to know that what you're comfortable with may change from situation to situation. We have a very open adoption, with visits 2-3 months apart, monthly pictures, regular phone and email contact. We based our contact on the relationship we all built.)

I would also encourage you to think about what if this does happen, what if you do adopt this child- her paretns are then the grandparents of the child. How do you feel about that? Or, what if you all do match and in the end she decides to parent, will you be able to continue your friendship? Just something to think about.

All the best...

[Sarah0518]

sugar baby gave you great advice. At this point the first meeting should be more about getting to know one another. Also, she like knows very little about adoption. Take the time to find out what she does know and educate her about how it works. It is important she understand as much as possible in order to make a decision she feels comfortable with.