[gdsgrl]

Hello Everyone,
I'm searching for a Birth grandparent to talk with, my first and only grand daughter went h ome from the hospital with her adoptive parents, I am struggling with this so very much. I feel as though I have abandoned the sweetest baby I've ever seen. I am really going through a depression over this. Need to support and some advice on how to hande these emotions.

[Drag0nfly]

Originally posted by gdsgrl
Hello Everyone,
I'm searching for a Birth grandparent to talk with, my first and only grand daughter went h ome from the hospital with her adoptive parents, I am struggling with this so very much. I feel as though I have abandoned the sweetest baby I've ever seen. I am really going through a depression over this. Need to support and some advice on how to hande these emotions.

Hi gdsgrl,

I know ur looking for other birth grandparents... im an adoptive mom.. I hope you don' t mind me replying... i just wanted to share... our son's birth grandparents had/have a very hard time of it too. When he was born his maternal grandma was there and she was so wonderful with us but we could see she was in pain. My mom cried for her and with her at the hospital. We send pictures and updates through our son's birth mom.. I am hoping one day she would be open to visiting him.

Our son's paternal birth grandparents weren't there when he was born but also had a very hard time with the adoption. We now have an open relationship with them.. heck they seem like part of our extended family now. We've met the aunts and uncles and all the greats and visit back and forth - dinners, bbq etc. They are very good about including our other son too.

I am so sorry you are in pain. I hope you find support and that those around you respect that you are grieving. I don't know what kind of adoption your grandchild is in (open, closed). I know it just broke our heart to see all these folks who love our son feel like they couldn't be a part of his life. His birth mom is a great and strong woman and she is going through her own grieving process. We do have an open relationship with her too and she has supported us in wanting to have our son's grandparents be grandparents (even when she and the paternal g's definitely don't have warm fuzzy thoughts about each other.)

I know I have said nothing much to be of help... I just wanted to share our story and maybe hope that if you are open to it and your grand daughters a parent's are open to it, you might be able to still have a connection.

With Peace,

~drag0nfly

[79nic]

gdsgrl,

I'm not a birthgranparent, either... I'm a birthmom.

The daugher I placed, Marie, was my firstborn and also my parents' first grandchild.

My mom had a very, very hard time with it, too. On placement day she couldn't even talk to me or look at me. She was angry I'd gotten our family into this situation... a situation where the best thing for Marie was to let her go.

I can tell you that she has worked through her grief. Marie is now three years old. Our adoption is open and is working beautifully. My parents are "Grandma Di" and "Grandpa Bob" to Marie (and now to Marie's little sister, also adopted, Maya).

My parents actually see Marie more than Marie's adoptive gparents do, because the agparents live far away.

They have been able to retain their role as grandparents-- spoiling Marie (and Maya) with birthday presents, Christmas presents, "just because" presents, goodies....

Is your bgranddaughter's adoption open? If so, I wouldn't hesitate to ask the aparents for a pic or an update.

((((HUGS)))) to you. You're not alone.....


Nicole

[gdsgrl]

Thank you both so very much for responding. I will tell you a bit more about our situation.
My son who is 20 years old, got a girl pregnant, a17 year old (yikes)
My son went with her to the adoption agency for counseling etc. He was in agreement with the birthmother about the adoption. I tried to stay out of it as much as possible-praying the entire time for God's will to be done-, my husband and i went to the adoption agency and talked with the counselor, we met the bmother's parents and all sat down and looked at prospective aparents. The kids made the final decision-one that I completely agreed with.
My son was in the delivery room when she was born, we were in the waiting room, she is a perfect healthy baby girl. My son came out of the delivery room with tears running down his cheeks to tell she was here. We have pictures of him holding her with tears just streaming down his face. He kept calling her his baby girl. The next day at the hospital he wouldn't let her go, he changed her, fed her, burped her, Oh My Goodness, I could not believe this was my 6ft 2" son holding and nurturing this newborn. We went home that night, he said Mom, I'm bringing her home, I don't care what they say my baby girl is coming home. I went to work the next day, fully expecting to pick her up from the hospital when I finished work, but instead I got a call at work, my son sobbing, I'm outside Mom, I just signed the papers for them to come and get her. I didn't even get to say good bye, I was in shock, I was angry, I in terrible pain.
She was born June 27th, the 29th she went home with her aparents. They agreed to openess, 2 visits a year, pictures, letters, but my son has not made one effort to make contact, he was supposed to write a letter and hasn't, he says it hurts to much...
Today though, my son called me and said the counselor called and told him the aparents have a letter for him and a scrapbook of Hailey. (whose name they changed, but she will always be Hailey to me). So I'm praying for a miracle.
Am I wrong to ask my son to let me be a part of her life if he can't do it? I want so desparately to know her, I know it will have to be at a distance, I know she is their child, but I read so much about the open adoptions and the extended families. How do I go about getting this?? I don't want to hurt my son, but I truly believe if he doesn't keep in contact the afamily will think he wants no contact, I think in time he will, I just think now he is handling it his own way.
I've gone into a depression, anxiety attacks, so many questions. Do they hear her when she is crying, what if she is to much trouble, etc. It has been crazy, any advice, prayers, whatever you can offer would be a blessing.
Thank you so much

[tobeafamily]

Have you contacted your granddaughter's aparents or the agency directly? In our case, Ryan's bgrandparents (and baunt) told us directly that regardless of what his bparents wanted for themselves, they always wanted to be a part of his life. They are.

HTH,

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[Drag0nfly]

Oh, that had to be so hard, to not have a goodbye . If her aparents were open to your son and his gf having contact, they might love the same with you.

Your son is grieving too.. everyone does it different. I hope he is getting some support there (any counseling available through the agency?) - its a tough, tough decision he made.

Do you think your son would let you get the scrapbook and letter? It might be the aparents really want to share more and would be very open to having you in the baby's life. IMO, you should talk to your son. Let him know you want to be more involved and that you want to contact the agency or aparents and let them know too. If he isn't ready, thats okay too.

I've gone into a depression, anxiety attacks, so many questions. Do they hear her when she is crying, what if she is to much trouble, etc. It has been crazy, any advice, prayers, whatever you can offer would be a blessing.
Thank you so much [/b]

Have you found any other birth grandparents to share feelings with? Does the agency have any support groups there?

Oh the crying... I was so worried when my son was home that I wouldn't have the instinct to wake up (im very hard of hearing too!). First night he was home that was put to rest, I popped right up into a sitting position before he even had the chance to let out a peep. It really boggled my hubby lol. He wants to know how I can do that.

Please do ask your son, the agency, the aparents - From my personal perspective, I am so glad we made the connection with my son's birth grandparents - It's not something I would have ever thought up beforehand - but now that its here, I can't imagine it any other way. (it also gives me another set of very interested people to brag to about the latest teething accomplishments!)

~drag0nfly

[79nic]

gdsgrl,

WOW, how hard for you, to not even have a chance to say goodbye. (((Hugs)))

Am I wrong to ask my son to let me be a part of her life if he can't do it?

I don't think it's wrong AT ALL for you to ask. If your son can't handle contact right now, he has the right to make that decision for himself... but not for anyone else.

If it helps at all... this sounds very similar to what my mom and I went through. Although I've seen Marie several times a year since the adoption, my parents have seen her more. There have been times they've visited without me... times I just couldn't handle another visit.

It also took me a loooooong time to feel comfortable initiating contact. I've only called the ap's once-- on Sept. 11, 2001. And I just INITIATED a visit for the very first time this summer (three years later). It's been slow for me.

Actually, I thank God that my parents HAVE been involved. During the times I couldn't quite handle a visit/contact myself, they were sort of my lifeline to the adoptive family, preserving the connection for me.

I really wouldn't hesitate to talk to the ap's directly about your involvement in this little girl's life. If they've already sent a letter and a scrapbook, it sounds like they're really making an effort already to stay in touch.

(((Hugs))) again to you,
Nicole

[gdsgrl]

YOu are all so nice, sweet and supportive, I truly thank you all who have replied. I talked to my son last night and told him I knew this was very hard for him, but I asked him to try to make an effort to speak with his counselor and see if the aparents would be willing to communicate with me, even if just through emails, just hearing she is doing ok brings me joy. He said, I know Mom, it's just so hard.
My son and the baby's mother are not a couple, they dated for a short while, and it was over. He was very supportive of her during her pregnancy, I am very proud of him for that. Many young boys would not have done that.
The adoption agency is there for all of us for counseling if needed, I keep in contact with his social worker via email every couple of weeks, she gives me updates, but her obligation is to my son and the birth mother, the birth mother wants no contact at all. The social worker calls my son weekly, but he wont' answer her calls and hasn't called her back. He was supposed to write a letter to the aparents, and has not done that yet either. When my son was waivering about the adoption, the aparents sent word that they would be as open as he wanted them to be. I pray they will keep their word, I don't know about other states but we are in Ohio, and there is no law saying they have uphold their agreement. I'm just so afraid if he doesn't make some contact they will think he doesn't want the openess arrangement.
My son is in no financial shape at this point in his life to raise the baby without government assistance. The aparents are financially stable, she is also a stay at home Mommy. This couple was the couple that had been on the waiting list the longest. I understand they had turned down some offers due to the families background. But they chose to accept our baby. They went through years of fertility drugs, testing etc. She had a sister who had a child when she was young that was adopted, since then her sister died of breast cancer, Haileys amom is planning to meet with her sisters adopted child and tell her all about her mother. So the amom knows what it's like for a birthparent. I don't think she could have gone to a better family, other than our own of course, but financially they could offer her more, and a stay at home Mom is a huge plus in this day and age.
I told my son the day he signed the papers that I have never seen a greater love, a more unselfish love than he showed by giving his daughter what he is unable to provide for her. I truly mean that, I don't think adoption is a bad thing, but until it touched our family, I always thought it was because birthparents didn't want their babies, now I know so much better. It's out of love, such a painful, unselfish love.
HOpe to hear more soon
God Bless

[Drag0nfly]

Hi there,

I've not posted on this thread in ages, but went back to read and wondering how it all turned out for you. Were you able to become a part of your grandbaby's life through open adoption?

I hope you, your son, grandbaby and rest of the family are doing well!

~drag0nfly

[gdsgrl]

We had a wonderful visit in December, I felt so much better after spending time with the A Parents, and I got to hold my Grand daughter and even rocked her to sleep in my arms. My son, BFather, was holding her while she was sleeping and looked at the AParents and thanked them, told them he could not have had a better Christmas gift. We have recieved two sets of pictures since then along with letters, (which is great) but that has been the extent of the contact. We are going to get to see her again in June, then we will be able to discuss the future open adoption plans. If I can only see her 2 times a year, I will have to live with that, but I miss her so much-even though we never had her at home, I miss being a Grandma. Just knowing she is out there (even though with wonderful aparents), I just wish I could have more contact.
The AParents are doing an Adoption Scrapbook for her. I'm not real sure how it is set up, but they have a page with my sons name, and my name on it, as well her her bmom and her parents. They have asked for pictures of all of us and our families to put in the scrapbook. What a wonderful idea! I truly do not believe that my sweet little grand daughter could have any better aparents, she is very blessed, and they are also.
Does the pain, emptiness ever go away? I know she is going to have a wonderful life, but mine feels so empty. My son seldom talks about it, so I honestly don't know how he feels, but I cannot imagine how much it hurts him to know she is out there. I know he is sure he made the right decision for her, he has not ever doubted that, but you just feel empty, something very precious is missing.
God bless

[levigram]

Hi Hailey's Grandma,

I, too, am a birthgrandparent and would love to communicate regarding adoption issues, not seeing them as often as we would like, etc. After 8 years, I can say, the pain of knowing they will not have the same experience as family with their birth family as they did the adoptive family, is painful forever, only if the adoptive family tries to keep you out of their lives. Sometimes, adoptive parents are "stricken" with anxiety and fear just because they are unable to have children they have conceived biologically. I don't understand why aparents with those values try to adopt in an open situation, but it happens. Believe, me, my daughter and I have lived it and my grandson just lives one mile away.

Please email or post anytime. I can share ways I have coped and worked with our situation over the years.

God Bless

[Drag0nfly]

Oh I'm so glad you were able to visit with her and hold her and your son too. Do you live near your grandchild? Maybe in June you could open the dialog to your grandchild's parents and see about more frequent contact.

I don't know the answer about the pain and emptiness, I've not been on birth family side of the triad. My guess is even if you saw your grandchild all the time, it still feel different than if your son was raising them. Even though I know my son's biological grandparents are really happy they can be grandparents in his life always, I get the feeling sometimes that part of it makes the grandma sad. Of course I could be reading way to much into it. I do know she had thought about raising him and now that he is in his active toddler years she says to me, 'so glad your doing this part.'

We've seen them prob six - seven times (not much less than our parents!) this year and are starting to feel really comfortable like they are our in-laws (we call them our baby in laws ).

I hope you and your grandchild are able to develop a close relationship. Does her aparents have internet? Maybe you could start a e-mail correspondace. I send out pictures every couple of weeks and updates (cos you know i just love talking about my son to any grandparent who'll listen!!).

good luck to you and I am keeping you in my thoughts and well wishes!

~drag0nfly

[LisaCA]

hi,

I'm an amom who just brought home dd 10 months ago. one thing we stressed to bfamily was that we wanted a really open adoption, as open as they wanted. at first everyone, including bgrandparents thought we were just being touchy feely californians , but then really started to come around. I told bparents specifically that I wanted them in our lives to remain as dd's grandparents. I know both grandparents were having a hard time with it all, even though they're 100% behind the adoption. we send photos about once a month now (it was every 2 weeks for about 6 months-dd's very photogenic ). we also talk on the phone, share emails and just talk about being moms and dads. We're flying out to see everyone this june, a tour of all the grandparents.

We come at this adoption from a different angle from most aparents in that adoption was our first choice to form a family. this gives us a different perspective I think (not better, just a different place). We also waited to adopt about 3 years after we first wanted to (moving, jobs, etc). that gave us a ton of time to read and think about things. our conclusion was that you can never have too much family. It also helps that we really like dd's birthfamily (just getting to know bdad's family, but so far, so good).

they may be more interested in contact after they get to know you. they also may be more comfortable with their own situation. one thing- you might want to tell them that you'd like more contact with your grandchild. It's possible that they're afraid to suggest something that they may believe is painful to you. One argument in your favor-kids need reliable contact with bfamily. having you in her life means you'll probably always be there and that might not be the case with bmom and bdad. that's one of the reasons we love being in contact with bgrandparents-more stability. Bmom may go on with her life, but bgrandparents are going to be there.

I wish you luck!

Lisa

[Aimee25]

We are birth grandparents of a 19month old baby boy. We only found out about him a couple of weeks ago. We are extremely sad and hurt. We are waiting for the adoptive family to make a decision to be included in his life. I do hope that they understand our unique situation. We did not know of my husbands daughter until she was 7 and we weren't aloud any contact. We were told that we had to wait until she was 18. Well she had a baby at 17yrs. By the time that we found her the adoption was already finalized. We would have raised him in a hearbeat. We have a big family. I would not have it any different. We are very fortunate we have 6 children and one grandson. Our children range in ages from 3-18. I would say as a grandparent, children cannot have to many grandparents. Encourage a relationship and let them enjoy their babies. Grandparents wait sometimes a lifetime for their turn to spoil their grandchildren, like their parents did to their children. I wish you alot of luck and happiness and feel free to contact me anytime: aimeewaschuk@hotmail.com

[gdsgrl]

Gosh, it has been a while since I have visited here, thank you all for the replies. We are up to 3 visits a year, for a mere two hours at a time. I am very grateful for that time, although I spend most of it watching my son and my grand daughter play, she is two now, and holding her isn't and option. We are going to see her next Friday night and I am thrilled. Her a parents have set up a web site where they post pictures of her every month, which is a blessing. But there hasn't been any more contact than that. I have to admit, I feel better now, they are absolutely wonderful people and they love my grandbaby so much and take such wonderful care of her. I guess I will always have the hole in my heart, I would just love for her to come to my home, spend the night, let me take her shopping, tuck her in, read her a book. I don't think that will ever happen. I can't imagine what the aparents must go through, I wonder if they live in fear that we will try to "take her," or do something, Even though the papers are signed, done and over, we would never do that anyway, it wouldn't be good for the child, she knows them as Mommy and Daddy, it would be so unfair to all involved to try to go in and mess up their lives. I just want more contact, I don't want to take her from them. I just want to see my grand daughter more, I want to be a Grandma so much. I am scared to approach them, I'm afraid they will get scared and cut off all contact. That I COULDN"T handle.
I wish you the best of luck in your attempt to be a part of your grandchild's life, please keep in touch and let me know how it goes.
God Bless
Stephanie