[Puppies12a]

I am seeking advice. We currently have an open adoption with our Bmom. My Son's BMom has visited our home since our Son's birth. I send her pictures frequently and we talk once every two weeks. However, She has asked if her 4 1/2 year old daughter can see the baby (He is 11 Weeks Old). She states that her daughter understands that we are the Mommy and Daddy, but I have concerns. Has anyone experienced this before?

[mckenna]

my son sees both is older birth brother and younger birth sister. it works out just fine. as long as the boundaries are respected, it is actually a wonderful relationship for all the kids.

[spaypets]

What are your concerns, specifically?

[NCMom]

What exactly are your concerns? Did you have an agreement regarding the siblings during your adoption plan? Has the bmom respected the boundaries up until this point? Just try and remember, it's whats best for the child. Chances are, if you are in an open adoption, these siblings are going to have a relationship at some point in the future anyways. Having them interact early on will only cut down on future discomfort. And the more the sister gets to see the baby with you and your husband, the more likely she will be to respect and undersatnd your roles as Mommy and Daddy in the future. Your bmom may be making this request because her daughter is experiencing some anxiety about her baby brother. Is he OK? Is his Mommy and Daddy nice? Does he have a nice room? With this one gesture, you may be doing this little girl a world of good at putting her little mind at ease. This family has made a lot of sacrifices for you. I don't see this as a huge one for you to make for them.

Good luck!

"Let go, Let God"

[Puppies12a]

When we discussed the Bmoms expectations of her future relationship with the baby, she said that she only wanted to see the baby maybe three times, if that, over the first year, as a family friend. We also discussed him having contact with her, if he chose, when he was 18. These were her boundary's, which were not a problem for us. I guess our original expectaions were that we would have a semi-open adoption in the sense of Holidays, visiting etc... I also have concerns about how this will affect his sister. Will she feel any sort of seperation anxiety? Want her brother to come home with her? Not understand why he cannot? Will She want to have a relationship with him? Will this cause any kind of psychological damage if she wants to have regular visits and we or the Bmom does not want to comply? The Bmom does not have custidy of her two girls, her Ex does. I want to do what is right for our Son, and we are considering this, but it is not what we agreed upon originally. I guess I am wondering what is next. Also, the adoption is not final, so I kind of feel like I am over a barrel here. Could her Daughter wanting contact witht he baby make her change her mind and take the baby back?

[spaypets]

First of all, I don't think that you need to worry about the little girl's contact with your son. It's up to her mother to consider the daughter's feelings -- not your responsibility--she knows her daughter best. I think denying the request would be more damaging by creating a void then allowing her to play with a baby.

As for "taking the baby back" I don't know the laws in your state, but if the bmom has signed over her rights and the waiting period has expired -- she can't take the baby back even if the adoption isn't final -- at least that's the way I understand things.

Even if that's a possibility, I think you increase the chances by not being open to visits and creating a longing that can't be satisfied.

So far, you haven't told us how it would hurt your son to have this visit. If it won't hurt your son then I think you should do it.

[BrandyHagz]

The finalization has little, if anything, to do with the revocation period a birthmother has when placing. If your only motivation for allowing the visits is the fact that the adoption isn’t final, then its best not to pretend your perfectly ok with visits, and then cut contact after the finalization. Do now, what you are willing to do forever. Having an open adoption is a long term committed relationship between your family, and everyone else involved…opening it because your scared of revocation, and then closing it after finalization will only hurt the birthmom, the child, and later on, you.

I am a birthmother in a fully disclosed open adoption, I placed my second born. My son, the child I parent, has a wonderful sibling relationship with his sister, the child I placed. We visit is often as we can, which isn’t as often as we’d like due to distance…”M” and “J” are very close, and love each other very much…with that being said, they both understand the concept of adoption, and have never had issues after a visit or anything.

I know you said that you thought this would be a semi-open adoption, because of what the birthmother said, but it looks to me like she might be reaching out for more…is that something you are prepared to talk about with her? Are you open to more visits, not only with birthmom, but with your child’s siblings?

[Colorbind love]

I too am in an open adoption. My bdaughter and my daughter have a closer relationship than I have with my bdaughter. Her mother and I agreed when I had my own daughter that we would step back and let the two of them work out their relationship. And, as Brandy said, they have a very close sibling relationship (that interestingly enough my bdaughter does not have with the other 3 children I parent). These girls refer to each other as sister (despite having other siblings), talk on the phone at least weekly and write letters back and forth. When we visit, they sleep in the same bed with their arms tangled around each other.

They have both understood adoption since they were born. The is no confusion on why they don't live together. They understand that I carried A but could not be her mommy. However, by the time I was pregnant with E (5 years and a marraiage later) things were completely different and I had no problems parenting.

But, had we not been willing to step back and let the girls come to terms with who and what they were to each other, the only people we would have hurt were A and E, who love each other dearly.

[79nic]

Puppies,

With all due respect (I know this is an emotional time for aparents-- prefinalization), it seems like maybe you're attributing your own worries to the kids?

Your son is only 11 weeks old, how this visit could possibly hurt him is not clear at all to me.

As for the little girl... kids think of "mommy" and "daddy" as the ones who feed them, care for them, put them to bed, kiss their scraped knees, etc. How much did you understand about the biological definition of "mother" when you were 4? It will be inherently clear to her that you are your son's mommy, and the bmother is her mommy. I really do not think she is going to be confused.

I have a 4 mo-old daughter right now, Elise. She is my second. My first, Marie, I placed for adoption at birth. She is almost 3 yo.

Marie calls me by my first name (Nicole). She's not confused at all. Her parents tell her that she grew in my tummy. Marie recently met Elise for the first time. There is no way either girl understands that they are sisters right now, but when that understanding does come, I expect it to be beneficial for them to have a relationship.

I realize it's a little different, b/c in your case your child is the young one and bmom's child is the older one, but...
If it sets your mind at ease, all that happened when Marie met Elise was that Marie was smitten with a new baby to look at (what kids aren't?) and happily held her. No confusion at all. And frankly, that visit was the easiest one yet for me-- it was just so clear that Marie belongs with her parents, and Elise belongs with me. It was very peaceful.

Good luck...
Nicole

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I have a semi-opened adoption, and my daughter understands that my birth-daughter is her sister. She gets a picture of her everytime I get pictures. Sometimes I wish I had a more open adoption, so that they could get to know each other. My daughter also understands that the adoptive parents are her sisters parents. There isnt any confusion... just confusion as to why she never gets to see her... Wish I knew that was going to happen earlier.

But she definately claims her as her sister and tells everyone that she has a birth sister and shows off her pictures. So I expect when they get older,she will seek out that relationship, and I will have to address it with my birthdaughters parents. I feel it is completely separate from my relationship with my birthdaughter and her family.

I think your story is great color blind.

[Mom2J]

I have a similar situation to others here. The son I'm raising has 2 half siblings living in different families. We are all related. Now, each child knows they are brothers and sister, also each calls the others parents by the aunt, uncle (they are) title or K's mommy or F's daddy. There are no issues. We do have something a little different. Our birthchildren are first cousins, but only the older ones refer to each other as cousins, everyone else just says they're brothers or sisters. We don't mind and don't correct them. If they want to say they're all brothers and sisters, why should we interfere, just because they're only cousins?

K.

[RiverGal]

We currently have an open adoption with our Bmom.

In your first post, you said the adoption is an OPEN adoption.

Then in your next post, you state this:

I guess our original expectaions were that we would have a semi-open adoption in the sense of Holidays, visiting etc...

This thinking concerns me. The birthmother obviously has planned on an open adoption, but it seems that you are expecting to change things from the original agreement. If what you originally posted is accurate, then you did, in fact, agree to an open adoption.

Which is it? And who's choice was it? I'm not accusing you of dishonesty, but I am confused after your conflicting statements.

As for the birthsister wanting to "take the baby home," what toddler doesn't? I know mine never wanted to be separated from their friends or cousins...when we got ready to leave, it was a terrible time. Five minutes later, they were fine.

~Deb

[mom2gracelyn]

The advice we were given is to do what's in your heart. You know what's best for your child and for your family and you must not feel guilty about ANY decision you make as long as it's made with the best interest of your child in mind.

[spaypets]

With all due respect, reasonable people can disagree about what's in the best interest of the child, particularly when it comes to open adoption. There are an awful lot of aparents who project their own discomfort on their children and cut off contact "in the best interest of the child" when really it was in the aparents' best interest.

If the OP agreed to an open adoption where there is visitation, then she has a moral duty to live up to that end of the bargain. What's in her heart is irrelevant. What she promised is key. The ONLY way she should back away from that agreement is if the birthmother presents some sort of actual physical threat, which is clearly not the case here.

To my mind, what matters is what the agreement with the birthmother. I don't think an afamily is obligated to have more contact than they originally agreed to although it's nice if the relationship evolves that way. But, if she agreed to visits then she morally obligated to live up to that agreement.

[raisinette]

I see your point, but I think it's ultimately up to the parents to decide what is best for the child, even if there are others that disagree. It's a little (not totally, but a little) like a woman who choses adoption for her child, picks a couple because she knows that's in the best interest of the child for certain reasons, then changes her mind and decides to parent. Everyone else may know that is not what is best for the child, but at that point it is her decision and her decision alone to make.