[Dreamsofachild]

We have a very open adoption with our birthmom. Our son is barley 3 months old and she has already had 2 visits with one being an overnight in our home. The overnight was last night and full day today. First off she asked if she could take him to see her grandparents (they live 15 miles from us) for a few hours. I did think it was OK for her grandparents to see him, But no way was I going to let her take him. So I offered to take her over, meet them myself and leave him there for an hour or so. Well, she was to call me no later than 4:30 to be picked up and I even asked to make sure she had my cell number. I waited until 5:00 and called her (she had called her grandmother from my cell, so I had the #). She gave me some story that she must have left her phone book at my house, but for me to come on back and get them. Well, she apparently was waiting for her aunt to come and asked if I could wait. I did wait and did enjoy these people that are blood related to my son and in a few min's the aunt did come. She was also very pleasant and made a statement of how lucky our baby was. Birthmom's response was "Yeah, He has 2 Mommy's, Can't get any luckier than that." WHAT!!!!!!
2 Mommy's, No he only has one mommy and a birthmom that he will know by first name.
What do I do? How do I handle this? I really don't want to hurt her feelings, but she has to stop referring to herself as his Mommy or other Mommy.

[KristieMaureen]

As your son is only 3 months old, this is all really new to everyone so I'm sure there are going to be rough spots like this.

You're right. YOU are his only "Mommy"... but your son does have two mothers - whatever name you both go by. I can understand that it would be upsetting to have your son call someone else "Mommy" though.

From what you related, it doesn't sound as if the birthmother was trying to say she's his "Mommy"... but that she's one of his two mothers and how lucky he is to have you both. I don't think her intent was to be called "Mommy". It might be different if she told your son (when he's able to speak) to call her "Mommy"... but that's not the case here.

I guess what I'm suggesting is to not let this bother you too much. This is new to all of you, she was excited about introducing your son to her family, and it sounds like what she was trying to say is that your son is incredibly lucky to have two women who love him more than anything else. Maybe look for the intent behind the statement, rather than just at the words.

If, as your son gets older, she tells him to call her "Mommy", I'd sit down and have a talk with her about names. Let her know that it hurts you to hear him call another person "Mommy"... but what name would she like your son to call her? Is she comfortable with her first name being used? Is there some term the two of you could agree to?

Just try to keep your head up, your sons best interests at heart, and enjoy the infant stages! )

Kristie
Adult Adoptee
12/22/71
Tacoma, WA

[chatterbox]

I agree with Kristie. You probably took what she said wrong. I don't think she meant anything by it. I am glad that you're doing such an open adoption. I have a dear friend who is a child psychologist (for fifteen years) and does seminars on the many benefits of an open adoption.
Your son is VERY lucky that he will have both his mommy...and his mother involved in his life. This is also VERY beneficial to you to be able to learn anything you need to know with minimal inconvenience. And very beneficial that the birthmom does not have to endure so much pain as to have her son torn from her life just like that. How wonderful that she will get the opportunity to watch him grow and change and develop into the little man he will soon be.
One way to get around this, too, is for example, if you're holding little "Christopher" (or whatever) and talking to him in your mommy voice just say "Here do you want mommy to hand you to....(Now, look at her and kindly say) 'Uhh, well I can't say mommy cause I don't want to confuse the little guy...so, what exactly are we going to have him call you?" Then make some suggestions. Like Auntie, or nana, or neena, (There are a lot of really cute pet names kids call their caretakers and loved ones. Have fun picking one out WITH birthmom, that way you're not blowing this out of proportion or making a big deal out of something that probably isn't) Just be sure you don't make her feel excluded from something she wanted to be a big part of. Oh, and I think Kristie nailed it right on the head when she said that birthmom was probably just really proud of her baby boy, he is your son, but he's still her flesh and blood. And you're not going to have to convince him of who his mommy is. I'm sure he'll know it's you. You seem like a very caring mommy.

[Dreamsofachild]

Being a birthmom myself (my B-Son calls me Dana) I do understand her feelings of pride and I would never want to hurt her. I just don't want her to be confused about what open adoption is and it is not Co-Parenting. Joshua will grow up knowing her, knowing that she is his birthmom and respect that. I just don't want any confusion and want to fix it now before he is old enough to understand.

My husband is an adoptee and he does call his birthmother "Mom." His adoptive parents have long passed away and he is 37 and made his own adult choice to do that.

I just really need some advise on how to talk to her about it without hurting her feelings and upsetting her.

[tincan]

I will be a birthmother in july.

I am not going to be an aunt or a good friend to this child. I will be this childs mother. period.

Everyone knows an adopted child has two sets of parents. Birthparents and adoptive parents.

[Calebsmom]

Tincan, will you be co-parenting? Are you retaining some parental rights?

I do not interchange the titles "Mother" and "Birthmother" because there could be societal confusion with the active, legal mother role. If a school or doctor were looking for my son's mother, that would be me.

As the legal, actively parenting, nurturing mother I would object to someone else calling themselves "Mommy" to my son. I feel solely entitled to the "Mommy"-type names in relationship to him.

[Kitti]

Hello everyone. I wanted to add my 2 cents and I am sorry ahead of time if I offend anyone.
I agree with Kristie and Rebekah, the more people that love a child the better off the child will be. In an ideal world the amom and bmom will work together for the best possible outcome for the child they both love. For what ever reason the bmom did not feel she was able to parent the child and intrusted the care and nurtuting of her greatest love to the amom. The amom embraced this and welcomed the child with open arms and best intentions. This does not however entitle the amom to the sole affection of the child. The amom will always be mommy, but this makes the bmom no less a mother. The child should call the bmom a name that is acceptable to all involved and is comfortable for the CHILD. If there are to be open adoptions then these are all issues to consider. But then again this is not a perfect world and there will always be hard feelings and petty insecurities on both sides with the ultimate victim being the child. A child is a miracle and an individual, not something that can be owned by anyone. His bmom will always be reflected in his eyes and his smile and the love of his amom will echo in his heart forever.

[EJsDad]

Originally posted by tincan
I will be a birthmother in july.

I am not going to be an aunt or a good friend to this child. I will be this childs mother. period.

Well, if you can find an arrangement with an adoptive family who will allow you to be a "co-parent" or otherwise actively involved with the upbringing of the child, more power to you. For most of us adoptive parents, these kids are "our" kids and we are their "parents."

Everyone knows an adopted child has two sets of parents. Birthparents and adoptive parents.

Sorry, will have to disagree with you here. My son has one set of parents - my wife and myself. His bio mother and bio father have nothing to do with his life or upbringing - they are NOT his parents.

If you strongly feel this way, then perhaps you should look into other alternatives that will allow you to keep your baby and raise him/her yourself. Otherwise, I think you will be in for a rude awakening.

Just my thoughts.

[Arruniel42]

I am a birthmother of a little girl that will be three in November. I tried to make the distiction early on. I am her birthmother. I was pregnant with her, I gave birth to her, and I legally and of my own free will signed over my parental rights (legally and otherwise) to her adoptive parents. They are her adoptive parents, her legal parents, and the parents that will raise her and care for her. There is no going back.

At best my role is akin to that of a favorite aunt.

She will always be my daughter, though not in any legal or commonly understood sense. And she is also the daughter of her adoptive parents.

She usuaully calls her adoptive mother "Mom" or "Mommy", her adoptive father "Dad" or "Daddy", and she calls me by my first name. As a side note, I refer to her adoptive parents by their first names and they by mine.

My advice to any one who is thinking of giving up their child but thinks that they can still be a parent to their child without distinction, a major distinction, i.e., the sun and the moon, from the adoptive parents, don't do it! If you cannot accept giving up the idea of being a parent and taking up the role of being a birthmother or birthfather, then you are not prepared to give up your child. You aren't renting your kid out. You are giving up your child for the rest of your and their life.
Arrunel

[Resseda]

Adoptive children do have two sets of parents...they didn't just come out of no where. They have active, every-day, wiping the noses and kissing the booboos parents, and they have their biological parents, the ones from whom they get their genes. To act or say otherwise is just wrong. You can come up with cute names for bparents, you can use first names, it doesn't matter. The Key is that both parties respect each other. Sooner or later, the child is going to realize that So-and-So is the one who gave birth to them...and they will realize what that entails, and they will see them as the biological parent.

Ress

[Sharon]

I agree with Resseda, and I would add that it's really up to the adoptee what they call their birthparents, and how they think of them. The adoptive parents can control this only while the child is very young. Once the adoptee is a little older, they will be the one to decide whether or not they have "two mothers", and what role each of those mothers will play in their life. It's all good and well for the adults in the situation to say, "It WILL be this way, and it WON'T be that way"... but children will surprise you by growing up to have definite opinions of their own.
~ Sharon

[Cleopatrick]

I think Sharon hit the nail on the head. It's up to the adoptee what they call their bparents. After all they are their bparents, not ours (aparents) and it is their choice what they call them. My oldest daughter calls her bmom - mom, and my son calls his by her first name. My son may change that as he's older, right now he's so young and still a little confused about just who she is. Once he figures it out he may call her mom. My youngest daughter can't talk, and may never so only time will tell what she calls her bdad.

It is a touchy subject since adoptees really do have two sets of parents and both of them love the adoptee. The bparents may not actually "parent" (verb) the children, but the aparents didn't give birth to them.

[dl]

This thread was started by an amother that is so obviously comfortable with open adoption that I am shocked at the replies she has received. She has been open to overnight visits in her home and made the effort to share visits with not only the bmother, but the bgrandparents. Even though the bmother did not follow through on the contact agreement established, this amother "went with the flow" and was more than accomadating. Her only objection was to have the bmother declare that the child had "two mommy's". While the child is only 3 months old and unaware of this, to me, as an adopted child, now adult, this is a statement that is inappropriate. While I agree, when an adoptee is an adult it is their choice how they refer or call their bparent, for a child to be told they have "two mommy's" would be very confusing to the child.

Toakes - I have no idea how you jumped to the conclusion that you did in posting to this open adoptive mother, "if adoptive parents want nothing to do with the birth parents or for that child to never have contact they should have never adopted someone else's child in the first place..let them have their own child..instead of making promises to some young girl to get their baby, promises that they never meant to keep, because as a birth mother i will always always feel that that child although he has adopted parents is still my child, and honestly in all our hearts we know its true no matter how much you say that child belongs to the adoptive parents in our hearts that child is still our child"

This adoptive mother NEVER posted that she wanted nothing to do with the bparents. Quite the contrary. She not only posted, but showed that she was open to contact with not only the bparents, but with the bgrandparents and the extended bfamily. She accepted the bmother not following through on the visitation agreement to allow the baunt to visit with the child. The ONLY thing she objected to was the "two mommy's" statement.

Arruniel42 made an excellent point in her post "My advice to any one who is thinking of giving up their child but thinks that they can still be a parent to their child without distinction, a major distinction. . . don't do it!" It is a fact that an adopted child has a biological Mother and an adoptive Mother. I agree with Arruniel42, there does need to be a distinction between the two. I have respect for the biological Mothers that placed out of love for their child, wanting their child to have a life that bmother was unable to provide at that time. By placing the child, the bmother gave other parents to her child. This in no way negates that she is and always will be the biological Mother.

Toakes, your statement, with a small change, could apply to bmothers prior to making a plan of adoption and surrendering their child to be raised by other parents: "if bparents cannot accept that someone else will be "Mommy and Daddy", let them make the sacrifices necessary to raise their own child, instead of making promises to aparents to get their baby a home and life that they are unable to provide, making promises that THEY never meant to keep.

[MomTo1]

Dreamsofachild....
You are in the unique position of being both a birthmother and an adoptive mother. I feel that unique position allows to feel what your childs birthmother is going through and how she is feeling. I, think for any birthmother, who is was just 3 months past placement, the feelings are VERY overwhelming. I'm sure your childs birthmom know's in her heart that she is not the Mommy that will wipe the tears from the skinned knee's of her child, that she will not be the one he runs to for comfort or even turns to advice. It must be very hard emotionally to seperate yourself from these realities. You have walked in her shoe's, I'm sure you know better then most. I don't think she meant to cause you any stresss with that statement.

I would recommend you taking some time with just the two of you to sit down and talk about your feelings so that you are both on the same page. Respectful adoption language is so important in adoption, especially open adoption where the child will have on going visits with the birthfamilies. Respectful adoptive language allows the child to grow without confusing him/her with adult issue's. While he will always have two mothers, right now he only has one Mommy. I'm sure it pains your son's birthmother to think along those lines because that means she must remember the losses of adoption. Even open adoption has losses.

Toakes....you write..."apparently we've hit a touchy subject with some,,if adoptive parents want nothing to do with the birth parents or for that child to never have contact they should have never adopted someone else's child in the first place."

This birthmother/adoptive mother is in a very open adoption. I find it odd that you should say she want's nothing to do with the birthfamily. She is very invovled with them. Who are you commenting too?

Toakes you also write..."let them have their own child"

When you place, that child is no longer only your's. You can't erase the aparents of the child anymore then you can erase the birthparents. This child is their own, as if they gave birth them, according to the adoption law that is read when you finalize.


Toakes you write "..instead of making promises to some young girl to get their baby, promises that they never meant to keep, because as a birth mother i will always always feel that that child although he has adopted parents is still my child, and honestly in all our hearts we know its true no matter how much you say that child belongs to the adoptive parents in our hearts that child is still our child..its like a scare you carry upon your heart"

You do seem to be carrying a deep scar and I can only speculate that you are writing about your own situation and no longer giving advice to DreamsofaChild. While I do understand that you feel the child will always be your child. I agree with you, they will always be, but not soley your's anymore. You gave that right up when you placed that child. That child deserves to feel that he belongs where you placed him. That child deserves to feel a part of the family you placed him in also.

I would have to agree 100% with the following sentence by Dlouis..

."if bparents cannot accept that someone else will be "Mommy and Daddy", let them make the sacrifices necessary to raise their own child."

[KZacharyC]

well first it has only been three months sence placment. You have not idea what it is like to except the fact of knoingn that yo are not th mommy. But for saying that he only has one mother is wroneg he does have two moms he has a first mother and has and adoptive mother.We are not just birth mothers and not just a baby machine as many see us. and both are just as important in open adoption. yes as first mothers we give up are rights by law but not by heart. but if this bothers you then I feel some what sad. maybe you need to talk to your sons first mom in a nice way.ask her the reasons for placing and how she see the furture rolls in your two's sons life. before you tell her that it bothers you and get a feel for her veiw. some times things are said between mother and mother that afends or fearsthe other by it meaning. even when be hind it was really just the wronge words. I know adoption is hard but we all have to comunicate better in the triagle of adoption..

Open adoption of my son
KzacharyC