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Old 01-26-2013, 04:52 PM
anon2013 anon2013 is offline
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Parents won't tell stepsister she's adopted

I am a part of a blended family and my younger stepsister hasn't been told she's adopted. She's 17 now and we've been a family since she was about 6. It's obvious that she has a pretty good feeling that she's adopted. I understand that it's always best that it comes from the parents but they have no intention of ever telling her and EVERYBODY else in the family knows. Most of her life, her parents have been in a battle because her mother never really let go of her father so they've just never found the time to tell her I guess. But now it just seems selfish that they're still avoiding it. She's asked why there are no pictures of her in the hospital when she was born or why no one says she looks like either of her parents, and she has a younger sister who wasn't adopted who looks exactly like both parents. She's a very angry child and I feel like that feeling is the cause of it. I just feel like she's suffering and that the parents are being selfish and irresponsible by keeping this 17-year secret. What should I do?
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Old 01-26-2013, 06:32 PM
Kimbergsp Kimbergsp is offline
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Ugh!!! Being and adoptee myself, this makes me angry. I don't ever remember a time when I didn't know.

You should probably sit down with the parents and stress to them that she is going to be 18 soon. Which means its fair game for bio family to find her!! 2 months after my 18th birthday I got papers in the mail that my bio mom was searching for me.

I'm sure it is the cause of a lot of stress for the teenager. But, as a parent I would rather her hear it from them than get papers in the mail.

Keeping a secret like that is not only causing this child emotional damage, but she could potentially not be very forgiving to not only the parents but to the rest of the family for not telling her.
Me: Stay at home mom
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Bio son 11yrs
Bio son 9yrs
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Jan 17th.. Was recommended by agency
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Old 01-26-2013, 07:38 PM
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hkolln hkolln is offline
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Have you spoken directly to her adoptive parents about this? Once she's 18 the family could seek her out and drop a bomb on her about all of it! Then she'll feel betrayed and angry with her adoptive parents and that would not be good. I don't think a secret like this should be kept...she should have been told way before this age appropriately. That is just going to cause hurt to everyone involved. They should step up to the plate and speak to her. Maybe you can offer to mediate the discussion? I would of course leave the decision up to the parents, however how is she going to feel knowing that EVERYONE knew but her? She may be angry with everyone and not just her parents.
Wife to hubby for 16 years
Mom to 2 girls:
A age 14
J age 20 (biodaughter)
August 2006-Found out niece in FC
Nov 2006-Now licensed FP's but no placement
Feb 2007-CRPT meeting determines placement w/us
March 2007-FP's appealed decision
April 2007-New CRPT-DCF & CASA upholds decision for placement w/us
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June 2007-niece is home with us
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Old 01-26-2013, 07:38 PM
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CaddoRose CaddoRose is offline
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For what it's worth coming from an non-adoptee, I would tell her, but I'm just like that. Secrets aren't good and the longer it goes on the worse it will be for her when the truth comes out in some other way. She deserves to know the truth of who she is and what her story is. It's completely ridiculous that people continue to hold onto this mind set of not telling a child they are adopted.
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