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  #1  
Old 01-16-2013, 06:49 PM
Esther30 Esther30 is offline
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Bonding issues with bio mom still around

I have a question for those of you who have had an open adoption or that have adopted a family member. My husband and I are in the process in adopting my 5th cousin. In the beginning we told her birth mother that we would still allow her to have contact and be able to be somewhat involved in the childs life. Now I am having second thoughts on this. It just seems as if she does not want to see me as her mother because in her eyes she already has a mom (the child has told me this). She calls my husband dad and has bonded with him grate and with my 2 bio children but not with me. I am strict with all my children and so when she first came into our home we had our ups and downs (mostly downs in the beginning)but she has now been with us a year and she other than calling me mom she is non affectionate toward me. I have put forth effort to take out time just for me and her, hug, kiss, and treat her just as I do with my other kids and I just feel like she will never see me as "mom". So once the adoption is final I was thinking of cutting the visitation between bio mom and child for awhile to see if that would help but I also don't want it to back fire either. Any advice??
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  #2  
Old 01-17-2013, 06:15 AM
jmd5294 jmd5294 is offline
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How old is she and how often is she having contact with birthmom?
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  #3  
Old 01-17-2013, 08:35 AM
Esther30 Esther30 is offline
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The child is 6 and sees birth mom 4 hours a week (2 times a week for 2 hours at a time). Also when she does have visits the worker that watches the visits says bio mom does not really play with her. She pretty much sits on the couch while child plays by herself. The child also has pretty much told me that she only likes going to visit to play with the "new" toys. I just think in her ind she already has a mom so why does she need another one.
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Old 01-17-2013, 09:06 AM
luvbeingamom luvbeingamom is offline
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I have adopted relatives and their birth mother has now moved far away. While she still lived here, we had about once a month visitation for 1-2 hours. I do not allow the visits to happen without me there. Some months, like with family birthdays or holidays there was more contact. When she first relinquished, we had a couple month period where there were no visits. It was good for us as a family and for her. She was grieving and couldn't handle a visit for a period of time.

Good luck. Relative adoption is tough. With a child as old as yours, whether or not visits happen, it will be tough for her to bond. My advise is to keep contact but cut down the visits to help your daughter realize that you are her family.
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Old 01-17-2013, 04:01 PM
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RobinKay RobinKay is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luvbeingamom
I have adopted relatives and their birth mother has now moved far away. While she still lived here, we had about once a month visitation for 1-2 hours. I do not allow the visits to happen without me there. Some months, like with family birthdays or holidays there was more contact. When she first relinquished, we had a couple month period where there were no visits. It was good for us as a family and for her. She was grieving and couldn't handle a visit for a period of time.

Good luck. Relative adoption is tough. With a child as old as yours, whether or not visits happen, it will be tough for her to bond. My advise is to keep contact but cut down the visits to help your daughter realize that you are her family.
Absolutely cut back or cut out visits for six months to a year.
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Old 01-18-2013, 06:08 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Esther30
So once the adoption is final I was thinking of cutting the visitation between bio mom and child for awhile to see if that would help but I also don't want it to back fire either. Any advice??

Cut out visits for at least 6 months altogether so you can bond and the child realizes you are her forever family. I was lucky in that our daughters biomom was in prison when we adopted her, however her former FP's would not stop calling us so we had to make boundaries. She was young and very confused as to what was going on. Eventually it all worked out but I would setup boundaries now.
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March 2007-FP's appealed decision
April 2007-New CRPT-DCF & CASA upholds decision for placement w/us
May 2007-ICPC finally COMPLETED!!
June 2007-niece is home with us
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Old 01-18-2013, 08:55 AM
jmd5294 jmd5294 is offline
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Wow, visits twice a week, and birthmom's rights are terminated?

Yeah, you need to cut WAY down on the frequency of visitation.
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  #8  
Old 01-18-2013, 09:00 AM
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wcurry66 wcurry66 is offline
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NO easy answer.. That first 6 months to a year were painful at times (J was about your kiddos age and tightly bonded with her birthmom).

There's no magic solution (we continued quarterly visits). It just takes time to bond. It'll happen

hang in there
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  #9  
Old 01-26-2013, 07:39 PM
wren24 wren24 is offline
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I'm in a different type of situation, but the root problem is bonding. I'm trying to help my aunt who is caring for her almost 13 year old granddaughter while the biomom is in prison.

The 13 year old (my cousin) is just a nightmare and is being terrible to her grandmother. The grandmother is dealing with several illnesses, including a recent cancer diagnosis.

It's one thing if she was lashing out and being hateful towards a stranger while in foster care, it's absolute other if it's family.

She does have contact with her mom in prison through weekly phone calls and regular emails. There also have been monthly visits. Is that too much? SHe's very aware of what's happening with her mom, worries about what is happening to her and is very anxious when she doesn't get an email that something bad happened.

There are no adoption plans. If her grandma wanted to adopt, she could but I doubt my cousin would be at all interested in it.

I feel like the problem is that there's no bond with my cousin and her grandma. My aunt loves her granddaughter, but my cousin doesn't have any sort of bond with her and perhaps that would change her behavior.

Is having so much communication in this situation a negative? Should we try to cut-off communication between my cousin and her mom?
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  #10  
Old 01-28-2013, 07:22 AM
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wcurry66 wcurry66 is offline
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This might be worthy of a different thread. based on what you've described, clearly there's some issues there and therapy is needed.

Bonding when it comes to GPs parenting is a unique thing. The GPs, in theory have been there for the kid's entire life.. there theoretically is already a bond.

The problem an be the the 13 year old had RAD, but my first instinct is more unresolved issues around the BP. J's brother lives with his GM- there's has been a lot of pain and anger, but it was mainly unresolved issues surrounding my cousin (J's brothers BF)... combined with some triangulation
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