[nana5]

I have adopted my step-grandson when family and children got involved my step-daughter lost him. She had an open case with family and children and they gave her a case plan but as she was young and "GROWN" she did not follow the plan. She had her own home but was struggling badly I was doing all I could to help but could not continue to pay her bills and mine. So she moved in with us everything was fine for about a week then she started disappearing for days on end not even coming home or checking in on the baby. Family and children kept coming to check on the baby and she was never here. Then she started breaking the house rules so she got mad and left not returning for a week the baby was sick I had no contact with her at all she even changed her cell number so I had to tell family and children so that they could get me what I needed to get the baby to the doctor. Well after that we had to go to court and they gave us guardianship but the father "a drug addict" was fighting to try to get they baby and the mother was "partying" so they did nothing they were supposed to to to get the baby back then in march the father died of a drug overdose and the mother disappeared. We decided to adopt so we got a lawyer and started the paper work the mother signed and all has been going well. The baby has called me NANA and my husband PA all along and my daughter has been called by her name not momma. She had moved about 60 miles away and doesn't come to see the baby but every 3 or 4 months not at Christmas or birthdays but when it's convenient for her. She finally came over yesterday after about 5 months of no visits. The baby is almost 3 and talking very well. He called her name and told her to come play in his room and she told him she wouldn't come with him unless he called her MOMMA. I saw red but did not say anything trying to keep the peace. She also told me that she will be moving back to town soon. I am torn I want to tell her not to mess with his head to let him call her by her name and not try to change the situation considering she is never around. I am worried with her moving back to town because if she does and she gets to visiting regularly and then decides to leave again he will be heart broken. I need some advice I don't want to be mean to her but I am worried about the baby in the long run It cannot be good for her to be in and out of his life like that.

[Howdy]

Originally Posted by nana5

... she told him she wouldn't come with him unless he called her MOMMA. I saw red but did not say anything trying to keep the peace. ...I am worried with her moving back to town because if she does and she gets to visiting regularly and then decides to leave again he will be heart broken. ...

That is a tough situation. I think I would not be worried about risking him being heart broken (he might experience sadness, but he has you as his mom so I'd guess he would handle it pretty well if she left again, assuming she really comes to town and makes time to see him), especially as the other option would be for him to not know her at all.

I'd be really annoyed about her telling him that he has to call her momma.

[wcurry66]

If I understand correctly, you've finalized the adoption and are no longer a guardian? That's an important distinction

If you've finalized, you can easily lay down the law. List out rules for future engagement.. that can be everything from sobriety, to location and duration of visits, to what she's allowed to tell the child to do.

if she does not follow these rules, her visits cease. period.

if, however,, you only have guardianship, your hands are a bit tied.

hang in there

[jcotton]

Only a note of encouragment, hang in there. If you've adopted I would not let him call her momma, she is now his sister. To me Momma is an earned title. Just because you have a baby doesn't make you mom.

[hkolln]

You NEED TO SET BOUNDARIES NOW! Make them clear and precise! If she tries to walk all over them then she has no right to see the child. This child deserves as much a normal positive life that he can. I think until she knows where you stand and where she stands that she will try to manipulate the situation. Sounds like it's just not fair to the little guy to have to deal with this type of coming and going.

If need be look for therapy for him so he can understand what is going on. When he gets older you can speak to him about the situation (he's quite young now) so now is the time to make sure she understand the visitation rules. Make sure you let her know she can't just "come by" when she feels it's good. She has to make arrangements....if you adopted this child then he is your son and you have all the rights. She has no rights anymore and if she can't be positive about it all then she won't see him.

Sorry I've dealt with a SIL that tried to do this...luckily she lives across country, however she is GOOD at trying the "Oh I'm such a victim" mentality via FB or text messages. Never once did she think of what she is doing or did to her now 12 yr old daughter whom we adopted. As far as I'm concerned until she can step up and be an adult and not the victim then she can possibly see her daughter. But until then she has ZERO contact.

Good luck!

[kidscomefirst]

I agree - set rules up front now before she moves and make the consequences of breaking the rules clear as well. I have adopted my grandson whom i have had since birth-he is 2 1/2 now. My daughter has not seen him for almost 6 months due to her unstable behavior. I fear role confusion for my son as my daughter refers to herself as "mom", her husband (not bio dad) as "dad" and her new baby as my son's "little brother". We have decided not to allow visits while she is in this state of mind and have asked her to continue therapy as well. We give her weekly updates by email.

[nana5]

I thank you all for your insight I wanted to make sure I was not just being selfish. As his mother I try to look out for his best interests. And as a mother I can understand her point but with his interests over shadowing hers I just wanted to make sure I was right. I have arranged a meeting just me and her for me to lay down the ground rules. I have my fingers crossed that she will obey them but I have serious doubts as to weather she will or not. After all I have no intention of telling him she is not his mother but at the same time I feel that is a title earned not just given and that if she wants it she will work for it and then and only then should get it. Yesterday I had to take him to the doctor and spent a late day doing it. She was supposed to come and see him she called late and said she would be here today and again didn't show. He is sick and only wants some love and she knows this and hasn't even asked what's wrong that is not a mother to me. but again thank you all I do appreciate the advice and I only hope that I can make sure he is raised so that this is not a disappointment to him but a blessing. I would love to sell my home and move so that he could grow up not knowing all the things that he is going to learn about his birth parent from the small town we live in. Nothing here is a secret.

[kidscomefirst]

Originally Posted by nana5

I can make sure he is raised so that this is not a disappointment to him but a blessing. I would love to sell my home and move so that he could grow up not knowing all the things that he is going to learn about his birth parent from the small town we live in. Nothing here is a secret.

I swear you took the words right out of my mouth!

[alys1]

You probably planned this, but may I suggest having your proposed rules in writing, print two copies, each of you sign both. Much easier to go down a bulleted list than remember everything.

[willow2018]

Nana, I adopted my grandsons last May. One calls me grandma still and the other chose to start calling me mom. The both call the bio parents mom and dad and it can be a bit confusing but we know who is who so it doesn't matter. They are 8 and 11 so our situation is different in that respect. I let them choose. However, after the adoption neither parent has done anything in the parenting plan set out by the state (stop using drugs, etc.) and even though they we told to do that to get the children back prior to termination of their rights, they had both promised the boys that they would do those things in order to be better people. I had to stop allowing visits due to the mother not following rules and both showing up at visits high. I told both boys that I would not allow anyone else to come around them in that condition and did not feel they should be exposed to it even if it is their biological parents. You are the one who must make decisions as to what is best for the child now. Good luck!

[kenyatta87]

Originally Posted by jcotton

Only a note of encouragment, hang in there. If you've adopted I would not let him call her momma, she is now his sister. To me Momma is an earned title. Just because you have a baby doesn't make you mom.

I agree!!!!!!