[MysticDreamer]

Hi All

I just joined, I need guidance. I stumbled on this website in my search.

I have an estranged little sister who is 17, with a 8 month old baby girl. This sister called me out of the blue about a week ago. She no longer wants her, and wants a "certain" family member to take her, or she will just give her away.

I know I am that "certain" family member. She lives in Texas, and I live in New Mexico.

I have never been around anything concerning adoption, and would like to know how I would go about doing this. I am not well off, and can't afford the help of an agency, though I could provide for the child.

Any help on steps I should take, or paperwork involved would be a great help! And would help me to get a child out of a situation where she is not wanted!

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by MysticDreamer

Hi All

I just joined, I need guidance. I stumbled on this website in my search.

I have an estranged little sister who is 17, with a 8 month old baby girl. This sister called me out of the blue about a week ago. She no longer wants her, and wants a "certain" family member to take her, or she will just give her away.

I know I am that "certain" family member. She lives in Texas, and I live in New Mexico.

I have never been around anything concerning adoption, and would like to know how I would go about doing this. I am not well off, and can't afford the help of an agency, though I could provide for the child.

Any help on steps I should take, or paperwork involved would be a great help! And would help me to get a child out of a situation where she is not wanted!

1. Get in a car.

2. Drive to Texas and get the baby.

3. Get an attorney and adopt the child ASAP, otherwise, little sister can just walk back into your life and take the child back. It'a private adoption, I don't think you need a homestudy or anything. Yes, the attorney will cost money-some will let you make payments--it's WORTH IT!!!!!!!

It is imperative you don't let the baby go into foster care. It will be a nightmare to get her out, including classes, homestudy, and ICPC. All time consuming--and the foster family will be building a bond/relationship in the meantime. Moving baby from ffamily to you is another loss for baby-not good for her/him. Do all you can to have their be one move--to you.

Best of luck!

[hkolln]

I agree completely with RobinKay. DO NOT let this child end up in foster care!!! Immediately go get the baby and file for guardianship until you can adopt the child...Get an attorney too. Find out what you need to do to adopt the baby. Once the child ends up in foster care it is HARD, very hard, to get them out unless you live in the same state. Going across state lines is so terribly hard...with ICPC and traveling, etc...and then having to PROVE you are fit to be an adoptive resource by CPS standards. In our case they wouldn't let our niece come to live with us until we were actually licensed foster parents here. And then you have to deal with the foster parents having a bond and their relationship with the baby, etc...

It's just better to take care of it now!

[Barksum]

Different states have different adoption laws. Get an ADOPTION attorney and find out what you need to do, and be sure to check the laws regarding residing in one state and adopting in another, etc.

Do all that you can to keep the child out of the foster system, but if it should happen that the child IS placed in foster care, contact the agency immediately and give them all of your contact information. Keep calling. I called every two weeks, or I would ask when I should call again. Do not let it drop. Ask to be placed into contact with the child, requests visits as a relative. Get an attorney (preferably an adoption attorney) and make sure that your interests in this child are made known from the get-go. The law is that relatives are supposed to have first claim on a child in foster care if that child should come to the point where the state will be placing the child for adoption. If you are known to the child and have maintained a relationship this will help your standing with regard to adoption - providing that you don't peeve the cw's or the fp's and pass the homestudy/criminal history check.

Came back to say that it was very simple when we adopted our relative from another state, BUT (and this is a biggie) we were foster parents already, had adopted 3 children from foster care, and had a current homestudy that just needed an update to include our last adoption. We had to do FBI criminal checks, ICPC, and work out a time for the child to travel to our state. Sounds like a lot, but it went pretty quick, relatively speaking. (No pun intended there, but it just worked out nicely!) We called to see how our relative was doing, and what the current case plan was, how things were progressing, etc. (And the state agency won't tell you unless your sister signs papers naming you as someone they can discuss the case with....) We found out that they were looking at placing the child for adoption and were going through the process of contacting any family members that the parents had listed as being possible adoptive resources. The cw about fell out of her chair (I could hear this over the phone) when I said that 1) we would be interested in adopting the child, and 2) we had a current foster license and a current homestudy and were ready for the child to move in when the paperwork got done (ICPC, judge signing off on moving the child prior to the scheduled TPR trial, etc.). This came about, in part, because family members remained in contact with the foster agency in the other state and let it be known from the onset that there were family members willing and able to adopt the child if it came to that.

[hkolln]

This thing is this child as I understand it is NOT in foster care yet....It's best to prevent that because once they are wards of the state it is not that easy to obtain custody without being qualified in certain ways depending upon the CPS agency involved. It is best to take it upon yourself to hire an attorney to get the child to you BEFORE they are taken into custody by CPS. Then it's a totally different ballgame.

[Hadley2]

How exciting for you! Even though I am sure you are concerned for your sister, estranged or not, the prospect of a new little baby in your home must be quite something.

I think there are three things you need to think about and take action on:

1. ICPC. Although ICPC, the Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children, does not apply to simple placement with a relative, it may apply to placement as a preliminary step to adoption by a relative.

The ICPC is a compact between states for the placement of children by any "agency"--which can be anything from a public social services agency to a private person--across state lines and across state lines as "a preliminary step to adoption." The ICPC requires that a series of communications regarding the placement go back and forth between the sending and receiving states before the child can be moved. Basically it is meant to ensure that the placement is safe and complies with the child protection laws of both states. Among other things, it is meant to stop child trafficking. Not complying with it is a federal and state felony crime. The placement part does not apply to certain types of relatives, but the preliminary step to adoption might.

Here is the language in the current ICPC regarding placement. Notice that it says "and leaving the child with" not "as a preliminary step to adoption by" "any such relative...."

"Article VIII. Limitations

This compact shall not apply to:
(a) The sending or bringing of a child into a receiving state by his parent, stepparent, grandparent, adult brother or sister, adult uncle or aunt, or his guardian and leaving the child with any such relative or non-agency guardian in the receiving state."

So it looks as if the current and new compact (not enacted in NM or TX yet), seem to apply to all interstate placements which are a preliminary step to adoption, relative or not. I could be wrong on that, but you can find out easily enough by calling the ICPC administrator in your state by looking him/her up at: AAICPC | an :: APHSA :: Affiliate . Simply explain your situation and ask if ICPC would apply.

If it does, not to worry. While you will hear horror stories from fps whose ICPC process for relatives took months (I'm one), domestic infant adoption ICPCs seem to fly through in a few days. I don't know how they do that, but an adoption attorney would tell you. Consult with several now (first consults usually free). Screen them by asking how many interstate relative adoptions they've done with your sister's state. You want someone who has done this at least a few times before. The first consult should give you a good overview of the process, what the attorney does for you, what you can do for yourself to help cut costs, an disclosure of how the total billing will be figured and handled, and an approximation of the attorney's total costs and fees. (Attorneys charge these separately, so don't ask about "fees" and think it includes "costs"--it probably doesn't.)

You will also get mounds more info from the adoptive parents board as many of them are private domestic infant adoption parents.

2. Paternity. Another big issue I see is paternity. The father of the baby, regardless of whether or not he is involved or is a good guy or not (and who is to judge?), would have to consent to the adoption and sign off on his rights. If your sister lives in a paternity registry state, that may do, or it may be a matter of publication if he has already abandoned the child. If he does not know about the baby, just publishing or relying on the registry may be legal but not ethical. I would try to search him out and see if he wants to parent. After all, how could you look your child in the eye years later if he came back into the picture? In any case, paternity is something to figure out at least from the legal perspective.

3. Your sister's state of mind. Finally, and probably most important, is counseling/therapy and support for your sister. Has she given herself a real chance to parent positively or is she simply overwhelmed by circumstances and personal issues? You will hear the phrase "permanent solution to a temporary problem" on the birthparents boards. For everyone's peace of mind and perhaps the chance to keep a family intact and thriving, it is important for your sister to explore all her options before taking this step.

Also remember that throughout the process until the entrustments and terminations are signed, she is the baby's mother and his father is the father. They are not "birthparents" until that happens. It is an important distinction to remember, especially when dealing directly with her but also to keep in your own mind as you go through this.

I hope all turns out really well for you, your sister, and the baby. I'm sure it is hard to not be tremendously excited. You can start now to gatheri information about what would be required if this is what your sister wants. At the same time, you could call in to your sister's local social services agency and find out what supports are available to her locally, public and private, for a mother in her situation. There may be a lot of help available to her that she doesn't know about. One way or another, I think you should try your best to ensure that she at least gets counseling before taking this decision. If she refuses, you can't make her, of course, but at least you would know you tried.

[MysticDreamer]

Thank you all for your replies. And to Hadley for being so patient in your response with details.

I am still not sure what I am going to do. I know I do not have to act quickly, my sister is still caring for the child (rather well) and will continue to do so for the time being. She wants me to think about this, to make sure it is what I want to do.

I would love nothing more than to have a child brought in to my family, since I have been unable to have my own.

I have deep reservations about this, and I am more confused than ever. My first instinct, is like said in reply one, to just go get her. I have done that once before. With this particular sister. When she was 9 years old ( I have 5 siblings) I drove to Texas, and while my mother was stoned out of her mind, had her sign a piece of paper giving me custody of my sister. I did not know at the time if anything was legal, I just did it, and left with her.

When I got back to New Mexico, I called CYFD (children youth and families) and told them what had transpired, and showed them the paper. It was signed by another family member as well. It was upheld. I was able to get medicaid for her, and treatment for her mental issues, even as much as placement into a residential care facility.

Here is my reservations. The 4 and 1/2 years that I had custody of my sister, it was a constant battle with my Mother, and other grown siblings. I had constant drama, even as much as my family calling CYFD out on me with made up stories.

Two years ago, another sister, who is of age, had a child. Tx CPS took that child before she was even released from the hospital. I still lived in New Mexico, and this sister called me for help. Of course, I put down everything and moved. The initial plan was to give this sister a place to live, while she got on her feet and was able to take her child back. A BIG LIE! This sister would NEVER get her child back, because of crimes she had committed, she had been deemed by the courts a permanent unfit person.

So now, they asked me to adopt said child. And again, I laid everything on the line and asked the CPS to consider me. They did, home studies, welfare checks, seeing a therapists to make sure that I was mentally sound! The whole 9 yards. I passed it all, and in a matter of months, we were on our way to the court to sign the papers.

About 2 weeks before the date of legal adoption, my family started thinking they could let it all out now that everything was pretty much a sealed deal. I told you earlier, the circumstances of my taking my sister, my mom was high on crack! Well, my entire family, are twisted in one way or another, as to why, I live in another state. I want nothing to do with them. My mother started telling me how since I was adopting the baby, she would still be her grandchild, and if I ever took off with her, she would file grandparent rights. My brother said he would track us wherever we went. And the mother of the child wanted me to break the law and allow her to either reside with us, or be allowed to see her on a regular basis!!!!!

I knew then, that I would never be allowed to raise that child the way I saw fit, or to keep her away from those people. And 2, how would I explain her relatives to her (there was some inbreeding on that one).

So I requested a meeting with CPS and their therapists. I told them exactly how I felt, and why I felt the way I did. I asked if it were too late to back out of the adoption, and asked if I could help choose her new parents. Of course, I could back out, but I was not to be involved further. Somehow they were able to bend the rules. I met with the foster parents who had her, and saw how well she fit into their little family, and how well she was taken care of.

Well I am sure you know the rest of that story, the fosters who had her, were given the 1st shot at her adoption. She is now a real part of that family.

I feel very hurt with myself over letting her go, but at the same time, I feel like I did what was in the best interest for her.

The Judge told me that I was the only one who thought of the child and her needs, and not of her being a piece of property. I am still hurt over this.

So given another chance, I am having to ask myself again....can I raise this child without interference. It is a different situation, and a different sister. This one has been given the chance to raise her own child, and feel like she just can't do it. For the simple reason of her being to self centered.

So here I go again. And if I do this, I need to know how to do so. I will not be able to deal with that part of my family interfering. It needs to be legal from the get go. If I do this, it's all or nothing.

This is my conundrum so to speak.

(oh and P.s the father of the child, was an adult at time of conception, mother was only 16. He wants nothing to do with the child, and denies its his. There is a paternity suit by the courts which will play heavily on his sentence for having a sexual relationship with a minor. I am sure he would want nothing more than to be rid of the child)

[Hadley2]

Wow, you're strong.

It sounds as if, if you did this, it would be saying goodbye to the more toxic members of your family, including your mother. As you already know, the child would have to come first and the drama would have to go. Living with that decision is something only you can sort out, perhaps with the help of your pastor or a family therapist.

If I were you, I would still go ahead and call the ICPC office and find out if that would apply. I would still go ahead and find and consult with a couple of family attorneys. Add extended family rights to your list of questions. Get your questions answered, make a game plan. Being ready doesn't mean you have to follow all the way through. And you'll want to be ready and not have to waste time if your sister decides to come out and ask you.

Even though your sister is parenting well at the moment, if I were you, I would also start getting my foster care/fost-adopt license. In our family, we learned many years ago that it really benefits to have at least one family member licensed and ready to take in a child when needed. Aside from that, though, the licensing process will provide you a home study and state agency approval as an adoptive resource. That will save enormous amounts of time later if any of this comes to pass, especially if ICPC is required.

And if your sister changes her mind, that's ok, you will learn a lot, meet a lot of great people, and perhaps find a calling to welcome another child into your heart and home.