[Autuamnsprite]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the forum, having just found it. I'm really glad I did, as I've got problems big time. I'll give you the background. Seven years ago my 16 year old daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. She tried to raise him for a couple of months and then went back to high school. HS turned into a social outlet and pretty soon she was gone more than she was home. We tried to sit down with her and offer to watch the baby while she went to school so she could get her diploma then move on to vocational school or college, whatever, to get a degree so she could support herself and her baby. She decided that she would rather move to another state than take care of her son and gave him to us. We adopted him in Sept. of 2003, he was 18 months old.

She saw him occasionally, mostly when I would drive over the mountain and take him to her. Once in awhile she would try to move back and regain her life, but it would last just a few days and she would run back to where she came from.

Since almost the day she left us, she's been after us to tell him she's his mother. We've resisted this because frankly we didn't think he was old enough. We never really got the chance to decide when would be good, because she's been telling him every time she came home. It has always been a sore point in our family, we've never tried to hide it, we just wanted to do it at the appropriate time and in the right way.

Now she's been living here for the last year. She's told him he has two mommies, etc. She's told him and made sure he understood that she is his mother. I honestly don't know what to do. He treats her badly when she is actually here in our home (she lives with her boy friend during the week and is home on the weekends), won't listen to her or do what she tells him to. He has been telling us lately that we are not his parents, she is and he wants to go live with her.

I know he's just figuring out how to get what he wants by hurting us, but I don't know how to stop him from acting this way. He has a lot of anger in him already at 7 years. He goes through periods where he's aggressive, says things like he doesn't like school and wants to burn it down, etc.

We are not violent people, I don't understand how he can feel this way already, and I don't know how to fix it. I "think" he says these things because he's angry and wants to lash out but doesn't understand how to do it constructively.

My daughter is very resentful and feels very guilty for giving him up. She doesn't understand why she can't be "mom" and why we can't be gramma and grampa.

I'd really appreciate any advice I could get about this. Books that might be specific to relative adoptions etc. Thanks in advance. I've probably not explained this nearly well enough.

Vicki

[saj]

Hi Vicki,

Welcome to the forum. I don't really have any advice for you, just lots of sympathy. Sounds like what your boy is doing is triangulating. (just playing one against the other) This must be so confusing for him. If it were me, I believe I would set down some firm boundries with my 22 year old daughter. Its not about her anymore, its about the 7 year old. She's right, he does have 2 mommies, and you are the one whom is going to have to set the limits for both of them. I think I would get family counseling. This is a very difficult situation to be in and I feel for you. Again, welcome to the forum. You will get support here.
sincerely,
Saj

[hkolln]

Have you thought about counseling for him? Sounds like he has alot of anger towards his situation and he's unable to control it. Maybe therapy from someone whom had knowledge of this type of situation will help? And next time he's angry have him speak about his emotions. He may be bottling it up inside and one day just explode.