[brontus]

I could really use some advice. My wife and I just got married last month. We are in our mid-twenties, and I have yet to locate a job since moving to Colorado just before the wedding. My brother-in-law is 21 and still lives with my in-laws. He has been dating a 24 year old divorcee with two young children (her ex apparently didn't sign up for a second child) for two months. And got her pregnant. My in-laws are moving back to NJ (or California, they haven't made up their mind!) at the end of the year, and he was planning on going with them. My in-laws very strongly disapprove of her (they aren't very fond of me, either). She is having trouble making ends meet already, and will not be able to financially support a third child by herself. He is freaked out and afraid of being a father.

They have approached my wife and I about the possibility of adopting once the baby has been born. We are considering it. Doctors are uncertain if she will be able to have children herself, and we do both want them. Where things get difficult is that we both have criminal records (she had 3 assault charges in 2 months when she was in high school, and I found out the hard way that 16 year old girls are not appropriate for a 22 year old). We don't want to get everyone's hopes up just to be denied at a point where other options are unfeasible. Her arrests are 8 years old; mine is 5. Other issues we are considering include our financial situation (which is not yet stable) and space (we would need a larger place once the child outgrew a crib).

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

ED

[RobinKay]

Hi Ed-

My husband and I adopted his brother's child. It worked out wonderfully for us.

We are much older than the two of you-we have bio children your age . Also financially stable, lived in our home/community for a long period of time.

Just reading your post-I strongly suggest your brother-in-law and his girlfriend look into adoption.

Raising a child is difficult enough, without beginning the process without job security and a large enough place to live. Please do not feel guilty about wanting to begin your own life without having to bail out your brother-in-law. You have a wonderful heart to consider this, but in the long run, an adoptive family may be best for this child.

Since this will be a private adoption, I am not sure if the criminal history will be a factor. Check with an adoption attorney in your area--you can likely get a free consultation.

Hope to hear from you about your final decision.

[Hadley2]

I don't think any of us can advise to proceed or not but we can give you things to think about.

It sounds as if all options are on the table now for this young woman. I tend to think that she, and she alone with proper, thorough non-agenda-based counseling, really first needs to choose whether or not to be pregnant and bring a son or daughter into the world or not. That is solely her decision, not your BIL's, your PILs', or you and your wife's. I hope she is getting the time and space to do that.

Extremely strong moral arguments can be made for both decisions. Many people tend to think that carrying a pregnancy to term must automatically be the most moral choice, or that terminating a pregnancy must be seen as a "selfish" choice, but that just isn't true. It is equally true that it may be more moral, ethical, and less selfish in the minds and hearts of some people to not bring a child into the world with a plan to then betray the promise of parenthood, deny the child their birthrights, legal and moral, and gamble that child's life on a lifelong placement and the uncertain emotional outcome of having been entrusted for adoption away from the birthparents.

There are two sides to this coin and no automatic, one-size-fits-all answers for anyone.

So whether to put an adoption plan into place or not is the second decision for her and your BIL, not the first decision, which is hers alone. You can't really guarantee that you would be willing or able to parent a baby eight months from now--you can promise that you will intend to, but no one can predict the future. She should not be making life decisions for herself and a helpless child based on the unpredictable and unknowable actions or future circumstances of other people.

I say this because the decision to continue a pregnancy and bring a baby into the world IS ABSOLUTELY a decision to parent, even if the plan--which may and oftend does change--is to parent temporarily. Parenthood is an ABSOLUTE responsibility that you cannot abdicate before the baby is born. I don't think enough people think this simple fact through thoroughly before choosing to continue a pregnancy.

Because when that baby is born, whether or not there is an adoption plan in place, the child will be her son or daughter and she and your BIL, each alone and together, will be absolutely, 100% responsible for that child and everything that follows in the child's life after that from the decisions they make for their child. They need to understand that if they choose to bring the child into the world and entrust the child for adoption, that it is their full parental responsibility to ensure that they are entrusting the child to a home that will be safe and loving for the next 18 years. If they gamble wrong and they are decent people, they will feel the weight of the harm done by their decisions.

There is usually no perfect decision, of course. Only degrees of better or less harmful. That is why these situations are so very hard.

Of course, much of this unknowable until the things come to pass.

I think a lot of disruptions happen when the full weight of the responsibility of birthing and parenting hits, naturally enough, following birth. Before birth, the baby is abstract, the responsibility is abstract, etc. After, the enormity of it coupled with the biological drive to parent fueled by hormones can be a powerful force. One would hope that all those factors would be less abstract for a young woman who has given birth and parented twice already, but not necessarily, I think.

Having said all that, if she chooses to continue the pregnancy, then you will want to think about how entangled you want your lives to be with these people and how important your adult relationships with your inlaws are to you and your wife. If they remain in your life and the life of your child, it could be a very wonderful thing or a very toxic thing, is that what you want? Would you be able to welcome them in, set and hold to healthy boundaries to avoid coparenting while still embracing their roles as birthparents? Would your wife be able to close them out of your lives if that was what turned out to be best for the child (that is, if they could not be safe or appropriate or accept you as the child's parents, etc.)?

Because once the child is your son or daughter, then you and your wife, alone and together, will be ABSOLUTELY 100% responsible for the safety and well being of that child and all other relationships, sometimes even your own to each other, will be secondary to that.

And that, of course, would be always be true regardless of whether your son or daughter is adopted or born to you. The complication of kinship adoption is that, for some people, it adds a layer of obligation to the birthparents and other extended family members' feelings and opinions that can be difficult to live with for even 18 years, let alone the rest of your life. As in robinkay's case, though, it can also bring families closer and fuel deeper, healthier attachments.

ETA: And having said all that, I guess I have to add that if the baby is born, the child will be a member of your family and your wife's. At that point, if the parents choose not to parent, then you all would be looking at the price the child would pay if entrusted away from family and the price your wife and her family would pay knowing that their family member was gone. Open adoptions are for more common these days but by no means guaranteed despite any "agreements" or well-intentioned promises. A decision to entrust or to let a family member go must be viewed as an absolute decision to say good bye even if there is reason to think or hope that it won't have to be.

[hkolln]

It's a tough decision you'll have to weigh he pros and cons. Having adopted a relative (her biomom is my hubbys half sister) it's not easy. If you decide to go ahead then set ground rules in the beginning.

Another issue might be the criminal record. We had to pass a home study so I don't know if that would pertain to your situation? I know they said anything against children would hurt our passing. We have no criminal background but we did have to go thru fingerprinting in order to pass. Maybe call an attorney and get some advice before going ahead?