[kmc1965]

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place so please redirect if need be. We have an adopted son who is soon to turn 11. Over the yrs. he has asked many ques. about his adoption. We have kept answers very age appropriate but the ques. keep on coming. Now we're dealing with identity issues. He wants to know names, wants to see pictures, is birthmom still alive?, etc. Here's the big issue. Birthmom passed away in Oct. She was my first cousin and only 2 people in the family know that she is my son's Birthmom. We've kept it a secret to protect my cousin's first son who is now 17 w/out a Mom. We have sought counseling and the counselor says that based on the level of his questioning we should tell him about his Birthmom and get it out in the open now, especially since he has asked if she is still alive. He has dreams of going to look for her some day. I feel like if we tell him he will realize that he actually has a genetic link to everyone in the family and it might help him feel whole. This has been such a struggle, I want to do the right thing, but not sure what to do. I love him so much and want for him to have a happy childhood but feel that his curiosity is consuming him. I worry about the 17 year old. Birthmom was bi-polar and died from a drug overdose. My son knows she passed away, but not how. We have had him since birth, and legally adopted him. Thanks in advance for any help.

[grandmommie]

My husband and I are raising our 5yr old grandson and have had him since birth. Bmom (our daughter) has drug and alohocol addictions. He refers to her by her first name, at her request, and to us as mommie and daddy. From the very beginning we have kept a scrapbook for him that tells his story. It is one of his favorite things to look at. Right now, I'm not sure how much he REALLY understands, but when he asks questions we give him answers. Our hope is that the openess from the very beginning will make it easier for him to deal with any issues that may arise.

My advice is to be honest with your son. Reach out to his bio brother if you can. You say that there are only 2 family members that are aware that this was a relative adoption but my experiences within my own family tell me that there are way more than 2 members of your family that know. People talk, especially family members, and especially to each other.

Maybe there is more of a backstory here than you want to share but I'm wondering why you have wanted to keep this a secret for all these years. Giving a child a loving, stable home is nothing to be ashamed of or hidden. Celebrate the fact that you were able to do so.

[kmc1965]

Thank you so much for your reply. I respect your advice. I am looking forward to finally being able to openly and honestly answer his questions. We plan on talking to him tomorrow at a meeting with a counselor. Best wishes to you.

[MamaS]

If he is asking "if she is still alive" soon after she passed away, I think he probably already knows -- at least on some level -- who she was and that she is not alive.
I would prepare a small photo album -- pictures of his mother at various ages and any pictures you might have of her with him -- and take it with you to the psych session. After you tell him the true facts, offer him the book to keep and tell him you will be willing to answer any questions he might have. My experience is that there will be few questions to begin with, but he will look at the album and in the weeks and months to come he will "slip in" questions. Good luck!

[kmc1965]

Thank you so much for your advice. I do have lots of pictures I plan on bringing. I'm glad I found this forum, it has given me the courage to make a logical decision.