[hopeprice]

my younger sister (19) considered adoption before giving birth to my niece 8 months ago. however, she delivered early and had not yet made a decision and when she held her baby she couldnt imagine her going to anyone else. but now the novelty of new parenting has worn of and my sister is having a really difficult time being a single mom. i know that she loves her daughter very much but she is struggling to give her the life and attention she desperatley needs.

my husband and i are thinking of possibly adopting my niece and giving both her and my sister a second chance. im hoping for some advice on in-family adoption in regards to how it affects relationships. what can we expect? what has your experience been? we only want to help but if it would cause more harm than good for my niece or for our close family then perhaps we need to reconsider. any advice?

[Withay]

Has your sister brought the subject of you adopting her daughter up, or is this something that you and your dh are wanting to approach her with?

If she has not brought it up I would recommend being very careful about approaching her. You might want to consider supporting your sister in other ways; emotionally, financially, etc. Is there any way that she could perhaps stay with you and dh for awhile until she can get on her feet better?

Just some food for thought.

ps: welcome to the forums.

[hopeprice]

i havent approached my sister about it because i wanted to first understand what we would be taking on before we offer. She is currently living with our parents who are doing most of the parenting. my sister is gone 10-12 hours a day working but spends more of her paycheck on herself. my dad is retired and he babysits all day and often is the one to put my niece to bed at night. although he loves being able to "help", my sister is clearly taking advantage of a good thing. everyone in the family wants to help take turns babysitting and helping my sis get on her feet, but she just seems to take advantage. lately she has pulled away significantly from her daughter and hardly wants anything to do with her. she has told me that she feels guilty for not being the type of mom she always imagined being and i think she disconnects from my niece to avoid feeling that guilt. she has also shared with me that she often thinks that perhaps adoption would have been the better option.

i think she may be suffering from post-partum and tomorrow i am going to talk with her about getting some counseling to deal with her feelings of being a new mom and the loss of the relationship that produced her child. (she found out she was pregnant and then found out her fiance was cheating). im hoping that she will step up to the plate so to speak and want to be a mom. if not, i would like to be prepared to offer our home as a loving place for her child.

i guess i just want to hear from others who have adopted a close relative on how it has affected their relationships. aside from loving the child, is there any regret? any suggestions on how to approach potential problems?

thanks.

[Hadley2]

The biggest hurdle, I think, for both sides but maybe more particularly the first mother's side (if/when the mother becomes the first mother), is to completely and absolutely accept that (1) she is no longer the mother and (2) that you are.

In my limited experience with my BIL, denial of this can take as subtle a form as cutting our daughter from the herd, so to speak, on a family outing to as direct a form as signing a note "your true dad." Denial doesn't make someone a bad person but it can make the relationship extremely difficult for the adults and sometimes impossible for the child. There really is no brother-brother relationship or SIL-BIL relationship with him anymore. We associate as needed in the interest of our daughter. Mind you, however, this was a foster case and he lost his rights to the state involuntarily.

I really liked and valued your thoughts on getting your sister counseling for ppd, grief and loss (of lover, of childhood), etc. A life skills course would also probably be more helpful in the long run than those extra hours of work. Remember, too, it is not just that she is "taking advantage"--she is still really a child herself at 18...most kids are either transitioning to independence or going to college then with parental help. We don't raise people to be parent-ready at 18 in this country any more. That doesn't mean that they should or have to give it up if they find themselves a parent at that age. Maturity usually comes in a few short years, some just need a little bridging to get there. That said, there is an element of enabling, too. If she were more funtionally independent, it would be better for everyone.

Whatever happens, welcome and keep posting!

[Devora]

Hadley's insights are very valuable, I think.

Remember that adoption is permanent. Given your sister's age it may be that in a few years she does have her life together better and is ready to parent -- what happens then? How would having permanently lost parental rights potentially impact her? your relationship with her? her relationship with her daughter?

There is no crystal ball, but these are questions worth considering.

In addition to offering what support you can, there are non-permanent options such as guardianship that might make more sense in a family situation like this.

[hkolln]

Where is the father? He'll have to give up his rights before you can adopt.

And the main concern is she will have to give up her rights too. Is she up for that step? Since she backed out in the beginning how are you so sure she will agree to this now? And if she does, she'll have to allow you to be 100% the parent and you'll have to decide if you will allow visits, etc...It can be hard being family to put your foot down. My husband and I adopted our niece and set ground rules up front before the adoption. We allow 2 phone calls a year (she lives across the country) however biomom has not called since Dec 2007 and hasn't written since June 2008. Even though this child is family you have to always do what is right for the child. Hopefully your sister will realize what is right also and step up to the plate. Our situation is also different as our niece was placed in foster care in another state before she was placed with us for adoption, so rights were taken by the state.

And I agree counseling is a good 1st step. That way she can deal with her PPD and also discuss possible adoption if that is the plan. Even if she decides to not let you adopt, she can get counseling to help her deal with her parenting. Is there a parenting class she can take?

Your parents are really enabling her to not take care of this child. They also need to put their foot down. I have a cousin similar to your sister situation. He had a son a couple yrs ago young..and his mother (My Aunt) is raising him. She won't kick the son out (He doesn't work or take care of the child) because she's afraid of losing her grandson (he'll leave with his son). Is that your parents case?

[grandmommie]

I have been raising my grandson since his birth in 2004. My daughter was 17 when he was born. She moved out of our home when he was 2wks old. We have had court appointed guardianship since 2005. We have not adopted him but are now considering that option for many reasons.

This "arrangement" (for want of a better word) has had an impact on our relationship. In the beginning there was alot of anger and outright hostility as well as statements to the effect that we "stole" her child. She resisted every form of counseling that was offered to her. We know that it was her use of drugs and alcohol that played a huge role in all of that, but it still wasn't easy, and it forever changed the way we will relate to each other.

Around the time our grandson was 2.5, our daughter began refering to herself by her first name, and my husband and I as mommie and daddy. This was also around the time that he was diagnosed with autism. I think for the first time she understood that she had to do what was best for him. We are able to talk about her feelings of guilt for not being able to parent and how she sometimes feels left out......even about how she sometimes feel like we chose him rather than her. She has shared her feelings about how she feels that people look down on her for the choices she made concerning her son. Those conversations happen on the good days. She visited us about every 6 weeks but never stayed for long.

My daughter is now in jail for the next 2yrs on drug charges, my grandson is going to be 7 by the time she gets out. For the first time she really understands that she is his mother, but that she will never parent him. During a phone call a couple of weeks ago, the two of them were going back and forth about who's mommie I was first. Between his autism, and her issues, that boat has sailed.

Every day I mourn the relationship that I used to have with my daughter and hurt for the pain that I know she feels, and at the same time I rejoice in the relationship that I have with my grandson. It's a double edged sword. In every situation there are a hundred "shoulda, woulda, couldas" but I don't ever regret the actions that I took to keep my grandson out of the "system".

It sounds like you want to do everything that you can to help your sister. Speaking from experience, I would exaust all efforts on that front before you broach the subject of adoption with her. I also believe that she needs to be held accountable for her parenting/lack of parenting. Enableing her to continue her present actions will only create a pattern that will be harder to change the longer it continues.

Everyone's situation is different and adopting a close relative can be a very hard thing to work through because of all the personal relationships involved and all the personal history involved. If you are willing to work through all of that it can also be the most rewarding thing you ever do.