[frogftsh]

Hello, my name is Gail (36) and DH is Dan (31) we've been trying to conceive for over three years now with two miscarriages and two failed IVF cycles. We will be starting our third IVF cycle near the end of this month.

The reason I am here is because on Friday afternoon DH and I received a surprising phone call that we never expected. My niece lives in GA with her husband and their three children (ages 3, 2, and three months) on a military base. She went to the Dr. to get her IUD and discovered that she is pregnant with number 4! She said that she is neither financially or physically able to care for another child (her and her husband agree) and she knows how much Dan and I have been through, and she wanted to know if we would be willing to adopt the baby when it is born. Her husband is being deployed to Iraq very soon for at least one year, so that makes it even harder for her to have another little one. DH and I discussed this over and over through the night, and during the day yesterday coming to the conclusion that this is a blessing being dropped in our hearts and hands. We WANT to do this, we are excited, but scared. We talked to my niece again yesterday afternoon telling her that we definitely want to do this, but we know we need to speak to an attorney who specializes with adoptions and get as many answers as we possibly can.

Can somebody please tell me what DH and I should expect over the next 9 months while waiting for the baby to arrive? We will be contacting the attorney we found tomorrow morning in hopes of getting a consultation appointment ASAP. My niece has offered to move to PA or MD so that she can be closer to us during the pregnancy and for the birth. Please any input will be greatly appreciated!

[lovemy6]

I would definately talk to a lawyer asap!

You'll need a homestudy done immediately!

It would expedite placement of the baby if your niece was in the same state as you. Otherwise, you made need an ICPC (Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children) and that takes time.

Good luck with all of this. I hope it works out for all concerned.

[MamaS]

Make sure your lawyer knows the legalities involved when the bio-father is on active duty. I know there have recently been some laws passed to prevent change-of-custody decrees being issued when bio-parent is in war zone. He may need to sign POA or other documents before leaving, or you may not be able to complete the adoption until he returns. Be sure your lawyer is up-to-date on the new regs.
Also,congratulations!

[frogftsh]

Thank you. We have contacted an attorney in our area who specializes in adoptions, and have set up a phone consultation tomorrow morning at 10:00am.

The thing that scares me is that I'm getting excited about everything, and I just don't want to be heartbroken...KWIM?

[feelingreyt]

Originally Posted by frogftsh

The thing that scares me is that I'm getting excited about everything, and I just don't want to be heartbroken...KWIM?

Good luck with everything. I know you must be overjoyed and scared to death. Knowing that they can change their minds, before and even after the birth, is the hardest part of all. My heart goes to you all.

[mommy2fiveplus]

Biomom and biodad really need to seek counselling. That way both they and you will know that this is really the right decision for everyone. 9 monthes is a long way off and both of them could have a change of heart.

I don't mean to be a downer, but what if biodad dies in Iraq? Will biomom really want to give up a piece of him? It isn't likely but it could happen. I have also seen a case where family had three kids couldn't afford another, offerred baby to a family member, found out it was gonna be a boy (they had three girls) wavered for several monthes and then decided to parent a few days after birth.

I think these type of relative adoptions are very difficult because everything is so personal. In a regular domestic adoption the potential adoptive parents do not personally know the birth parents so the idea of them grieving is somewhat abstract, also in a regular adoption, the pressure on the birth parents to relinquish is not as strong because they are not running the risk of ruining a family relationship or breaking the hearts of a family member.

I wish everyone well and I hope that it goes smoothly.