[DrGrabow]

Ok, so my first cousin called me at work yesterday, and we had a very strange conversation. He told me that his wife and he had decided that one of thier two daughters that they adopted three years ago was not working out. He asked me if my wife and I would consider adopting her. She is three years old.

In a way, this was an answered prayer, because I have been worried about both of his kids. They are very strict with them (not to the point of any abuse that I have witnessed, but I do have my suspisions and fears) He told me that her inability to meet thier (crazy and age in-appropriate) expectations was driving him to the point where he feared he would "lose it" with her.

My wife and I have discussed this and I have prayed about it and feel that this is something we want to do. I also feel that time is of the essence, as I would really like her out of thier house ASAP.

We have made an appointment with a lawyer, but we are very worried about how much this will cost. This is a VERY un-planned-for expense, and it is honestly money that we just don't have.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I live in Texas and the baby is in Illinois. I'd like to know the fastest way to at least get temporary custody of her and then work out the details.

Signed,

Overwhelmed, but grateful

[kretzklan]

The cost may not be high - but be sure your attorney specializes in adoption disruptions...that is what this is - not simply a relative adoption. They are disrupting their placement to give you guardianship. There are agencies that specialize in these transitions and perhaps can give guidance - maybe even the agency they used to complete their adoption would have ideas.
Please find out more though...so much of what you said about how they seem to act and what they say about the child point to the fact that she could have emotional issues - attachment disorder being one of them - and this disruption will only set her back further. It could possibly be that there are million more behaviors than you see going on and they don't want to tell you...but if you are thinking about this you MUST know. I'm raising two AD kids and people outside my daily circle would describe me exactlly as you described them. I'm not saying I know anything about her - I don't...just saying to not go blindly into this. Have they sought therapy???

[feelingreyt]

I have no idea about your laws, but in TN you can get Power of Attorney and take her home right away. Then proceed with the adoption later on.
My advice though, is to ask your lawyer and find out the best way to proceed. All States are different.

Good luck! Hopefully both children will be safe and happy.

[DrGrabow]

Thanks for both responses and on the advice about getting power of attorney. I'll def. mention when I meet with the lawyer.

As for being concerned about behavioral issues I don't know about, my Mom is retired and babysits her pretty often. She has never observed any of this. My cousin also had a pretty abusive upbrining that often causes him to behave strangly. I have witnessed first hand thier strange expectations. They started potty-training her at like 6 months old in a very aggressive way (punishing for potty accidents, etc.). I could go on, but it makes me too sad.

We are ready to take on any hidden challenge we may see.

[feelingreyt]

From what you have described, I wish BOTH children where being re-adopted by you and your wife!

Good luck and God Bless

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by DrGrabow

Ok, so my first cousin called me at work yesterday, and we had a very strange conversation. He told me that his wife and he had decided that one of thier two daughters that they adopted three years ago was not working out. He asked me if my wife and I would consider adopting her. She is three years old.

OMG! How awful for this child! How is this child going to feel that she was the one "thrown away" because of unrealistic expectations for a 3 yr old! Gosh how can people be so cruel to their kids.

And be careful about guardianship or POA. That will leave their rights intact and say in the future they want this child back they can then fight for her. She deserves love, stability and a PERMANENT home that won't throw her away like that. And she also deserves to see her siblings too. How will that work?

I would think you would need an attorney. I don't know how it would all work and if you need an ICPC to move the child or not. We needed one to move our niece from another state but she was in custody of DCF. I would let the attorney figure that all out.

[DrGrabow]

Sorry this is so long...

Update: Everything about adoption has prepared me for moving slow, and I am sure there will be plenty of time for that, but as of right now, things are moving fast.

We were referred to a lawyer by a close friend. She actually called me at home last night, and without billing me a cent, gave me advice for an hour about how to proceed. Sharing some of the details with her (including some that I have not mentioned) she felt we needed to move quickly. It looks like I am going to drive from Texas to Illinois tomorrow and bring her home with me. It appears that there are some benefits to her physically being in the State of Texas when we assert legal jurisdiction. I guess July 4th is going to be HER independance day.

My mother (who as I mentioned) babysits her and knows her, is going to come back to Texas with us and stay for a week or so. I have daycare lined up here. The lawyer is writing up a release for us to legally keep her for a while, but we won't have any kind of guardianship for a while. We'll just have to trust God and walk on egg-shells.

As for her sister, she'll be on my heart. They have different relationship with her. Her personality-type is better suited to the rules of the house. But I am still very concerned about her. My family will be closely monitoring the situation and if need be, we may need to act on that situation as well. I know that they won't offer her to us, and that they aren't physically abusing the girls. From what I understand, emotional abuse is very hard to prove in court. So, again, we may not have much choice.

I have a 5 year old son who is very personable and outgoing. He's also got a pretty big heart. We are speaking with him about it tonight. We are planning on speaking in temporary terms like, "Your cousin is coming to stay with us for a while, it will be kind of like having a little sister, doesn't that sound fun?" We are also planning on speaking about it to her in temporary terms like, "Do you want to come and see my house in Texas?" I am hopeful that staying with us will eventually become her choice.

Any advice for the first few days?

Thanks for all of the support and advice. I'll try to keep everyone posted.

[feelingreyt]

I'm so glad you were able to speak with an attorney and get the ball rolling this fast!!!!

Have a safe trip to IL.

As for bonding with the little girl, just love her. I don't have experience with older adoptions, but I KNOW love goes a very long way!
I also think it's a great bringing your mom, her sitter, home with you for awhile. I believe that is going to make her feel "safe".
Sounds like you all are on the road to being parents again!

ETA: When we took in our now ason, we thought it was temporary. The kids adjusted amazingly well and where calling him brother long before it was official.

[DrGrabow]

Thanks! That gives me more hope. I am trying to keep my expectations low so I won't be disappointed. As I said, my son is very loving. I just know that he does not have any idea of perminance. The idea of being a big brother will likely sound great at first - but once reality sets in - that may be another story.

Of course, this is the same adjustment that all kids go through when they are adjusting to a new sibling.

I guess what scares me most is that I know that my son will change because of this. And I kind of think he's pretty perfect now. And knowing that this will cause a big change may make me feel responsible/guilty for that change.

But honestly, God has been so wonderful to my family, I have no cause to doubt him. I know he will be gracious to us again.

[MassachusettsMom]

I just finished reading a great book - "Brothers and Sisters in Adoption" by Arleta James of the Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio (Perspectives Press). It's quite a read, but addresses the VERY issues relating to bringing a new adopted child (esp. older or traumatized child) into a home that already has children. The book offers suggestions for parents, new children and children already in the home. See if you can track it down or get a Cliff's Notes summary.
Good luck!

[feelingreyt]

Originally Posted by DrGrabow

Thanks! That gives me more hope. I am trying to keep my expectations low so I won't be disappointed. As I said, my son is very loving. I just know that he does not have any idea of perminance. The idea of being a big brother will likely sound great at first - but once reality sets in - that may be another story.

Of course, this is the same adjustment that all kids go through when they are adjusting to a new sibling.

I guess what scares me most is that I know that my son will change because of this. And I kind of think he's pretty perfect now. And knowing that this will cause a big change may make me feel responsible/guilty for that change.

But honestly, God has been so wonderful to my family, I have no cause to doubt him. I know he will be gracious to us again.

Oh my goodness, I know EXACTLY what you mean! When we decided to go forward with the adoption(very unexpected) I was so worried about the ramifications it would have on our 2 children.
It amazes me at how fast and how deeply my kids fell for their new brother. Even when we kept telling them that he wasn't ours, they treated him just like a brother.
Our youngest was only 2 1/2 when we brought H home, our oldest just turned 7. The youngest one was telling waitresses and anyone that would listen that the baby was HIS!
After our adoption was complete we actually took in our ason's bsister for a month. She was almost 2 at the time. My oldest dd was devestated that she couldn't be her sister. Over a year later and she still talks about wanting to bring the little girl back home to us.
I tell you all of this because it sounds like your son is going to be just like my kids were, very accepting and happy with the new addition.
Yes, things will change, but it will most likely be for the good!!!!!
God is indeed in Control! He will not lead you astray. If you have prayed about this and you know this is HIS WILL, then there is no way the change won't be for the BEST!

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by DrGrabow

Thanks! That gives me more hope. I am trying to keep my expectations low so I won't be disappointed. As I said, my son is very loving. I just know that he does not have any idea of perminance. The idea of being a big brother will likely sound great at first - but once reality sets in - that may be another story.

Of course, this is the same adjustment that all kids go through when they are adjusting to a new sibling.

I guess what scares me most is that I know that my son will change because of this. And I kind of think he's pretty perfect now. And knowing that this will cause a big change may make me feel responsible/guilty for that change.

But honestly, God has been so wonderful to my family, I have no cause to doubt him. I know he will be gracious to us again.

You know...your son may surprise you and become that big brother figure for her which she needs. And some change is good...as long as you make it positive for him. Maybe schedule "Mom and Me" time with each child where you take one of them out for icecream or for a walk or to the park (just the 2 of you) and then do it with the other child the next week. That way they feel like they have equal "mom and me" time with you. We do that with our girls when we brought our niece here. I too was worried because our bio daughter was 13 at the time and she was the only child.

Just love her and show her stability. If you can get her into therapy if you think that will help her. It's going to be hard on her going to a totally new place with totally new rules/parents. Just think of how you would feel (rejected/alone) if that happened to you. You may have 2 steps back and 1 step forward for awhile (depending upon how she adjusts) so be patient. Let her know it's "OK to grieve" if she needs to and let her show her emotions if she needs to.

Maybe put together a picture book of your home, neighborhood, your son, etc...and bring it with you to show her where she'll be living, etc...

Let us know how it goes!

[DrGrabow]

The picture book is a great idea. I am going to do that for sure.

BTW- I take it as a high compliment that you assumed from my messages that I am the Mommy, but I am the Daddy. I guess we'll need Mommy and Me time, and Daddy and Me time.

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by DrGrabow

The picture book is a great idea. I am going to do that for sure.

BTW- I take it as a high compliment that you assumed from my messages that I am the Mommy, but I am the Daddy. I guess we'll need Mommy and Me time, and Daddy and Me time.

And for that I apologize. I guess I should never assume

I think it's great you are involved in this childs life and are thinking ahead.

And we also do "Daddy and Me" time here. I take one girl out one week alone and their Daddy takes the other out and we switch each week. It has done wonders!

[DrGrabow]

I made the day-long trip yesterday and picked her up today. All in all, it was less strange than I thought it would be. I spent the morning with her, and we are already bonding. It will take time, but we're off to a nice start.

We had a nice conversation with my wife and son. They are looking forward to us coming home tomorrow.

Thanks again to everyone for your advice.