[pam32]

hi everyone i'm new here so please bare with me!

my situation is my sister was put up for adoption by my mother because of drug abuse. my brother and i were both raised by my grandmother and had visits with my sister and her family pretty often. recently my mother has sobered up and met my sister (with her family's consent of course) and had a couple of visits. but now we haven't heard from my sister's family in a while. would it be rude if i called them up asking for an explanation? i'm mostly concerned because i want to be an active part of my sister's life. if her family did let me see her would it be dishonest to my family to not tell them we were seeing each other? would that be healthy for my sister? She is turning 11 soon and I am 19. any advice would be great

[feelingreyt]

It would not hurt for you to call your sister's parents and discuss possible visits with them. You could ask them how she handled meeting your mom.
Your sister is young and it may be emotionally taxing on her right now.
As for telling your mother you had a visit with your sister: What they don't know, won't hurt them. I don't think it would be dishonest not to tell them, UNLESS they ask. If they do ask, just be honest and tell them why you are allowed visits and why they are not allowed visits(if that is the case).
Good luck!

By the way, my son has 3 biosiblings that we keep in contact with(they are not in their mom's custody). They are all very young, but I think it's important for them to know each other.

[DianeS]

Originally Posted by pam32

would it be rude if i called them up asking for an explanation?

I don't know much about situations like yours, but what I do know is that an "explanation" from them really won't do you any good, nor will it help you have the relationship you want.

If I were you, I'd just call them up and ask for a visit. Or to speak to her on the phone to chat for a while. Something like that is really what you want, isn't it?

[Hadley2]

The above posters give good advice. I am very impressed that you are thinking about your sister's welfare in this and are aware of her possible needs. You must love her very much.

I would just quibble with one thing. No, I wouldn't mention the visits to your family unless asked--that I agree. If asked, I would be honest and say I have visits. I would not offer an explanation of why I do and they don't, though; that just opens the door to an argument you can't win because you would be speaking for someone else. My tactic in those situations is to always say, "It was not my decision and I can't speak for so and so." I work REALLY hard to not get into whether or not I agree with the decision or the possible reasons for it. I think the other party will already know the reasons and, if she doesn't, she will never "get" it, anyway.

When you call, I think if ask about your sister's needs in the situation and show that you are respectful and understanding of that, it will help to build trust and make things far less awkward even if now is not a good time for contact. If directly asked for an explanation, her parents may well feel pressured or challenged to a potentially hostile argument. If you frame the conversation around your sister's needs, then you will become their ally, not their adversary.

Good luck and blessings. If your sister is ready for it, it will be a wonderful thing for her heart and self esteem to know you and have a relationship with you.