[AuntMa]

I have seen other's post similar threads, but I have some specific questions and fears so I thought I'd start a new one...

I'm 27 and single but I own my own home and have a full time job. My little sister, at 22, has recently had her fourth child. Her three older children (5, 4, and 3) have lived with my mom on and off for most of their lives, and have been with her consistently for a year now. My sister lives with her current boyfriend and their baby. She has been jobless and homeless on and off for years. Her ex-husband and father to the older children is in prison and may never get out. he is a drug dealer/addict.

All that to say, it is unlikely the thre oldest children will ever return to their parents. my sister has asked me to take custody of them all and my mom has asked me to help more. We have all agreed that although I cannot take all three, I can take the youngest, Lucy.

I am sad about the circumstances, but more than happy to raise Lucy. I told my sister that, for Lucy, this has to be permanent. She cannot continue to move back and forth between homes. She needs stability. I am willing to raise her as my own daughter, but I am not willing to spend the next 18 years fighting my sister for her.

but now, I have questions! so many questions!

What is the best way to proceed legally? For now I want full custody, but I would eventually want to fully adopt her.

If I do get full custody, do I call lucy my daugher? Do I call myself her mother? Do I let her decide when she is older? What do I tell strangers? What does she call her birth mother? how much imput do I give my sister? what happens if the birth father DOES get out of prison? How do i raise Lucy with awareness of her history and with hope for her future? How do I let her know that no matter who I am legally or what she calls me, I am there to support and love her? what do I tell her older brother and sister? what are good ways to transition?

Like I said, tons and tons of questions... any thoughts?

[bevy]

I am raising my 4 year old cousin right now. We had so many of the same questions. We have just let things happen as they do...she now calls dh daddy, after a year and a half of being with us. We refer to each other as mom and dad, as we do with the other kids. That way, it is not different for her than the other kids and when she was ready she made the switch. She calls me mom part of the time.
I refer to her biomom as her birthmom now as she doesnt really ever see her and thats what she hears us call the other kids (both adopted) bioparents.
Make sure to get something legal where you have full guardianship. That way, you make all the legal decisions for this little girl and your sister cant just come in a nd take her if she feels like it one day.
HOw old is Lucy? Does she know at all what is going on? If she does, then I would keep everything open until she is ready to transition emotionally.
Good luck

[AuntMa]

Hey, thanks for your reply...

I went and talked to Lucy's dad. He's in prison for at least the next 18 mo. His history shows he is BAD news- violence, drugs, etc. He says he is doing better and he plans to get out and raise his own children. I have my doubts on that being best for the kids. I tried to convince him to give me full guardianship, but he refuses. He says he is willing for me to have temporary custody, but not for me to have the kids forever. I told him he can still see them but still, no dice.

My mom's lawyer says that since he isn't willing to give me custody, we are going to need to go through the courts for temporary custody and then when lucy's biodad gets out, i'll have to fight him again for custody. Do I have any other options? What do y'all think is the best step?

Also, Lucy is about to turn 3. She knows she is coming to live with me, but that's about it. The other two are staying with my mom for now, but we know that eventually they will have to come live with me too. I call her "my little girl" and she likes that.

Anyway, any thoughts?

[Biblemom]

First of all it is great that you are willing to help your family. I do worry, though about how one of the girls being "your girl" and coming to live with you will affect the other two. Children often understand more than we give them credit for. Not being judgemental, just worried about the other two children who are potentially being separated from their sister.
Best of Luck.

[AuntMa]

thanks for your praise. I don't deserve it though. It's the right thing to do... to give a home to kids who need one. and my niece needs one.

anyway, it is hard to separate the kids. I don't want to do it. but i don't really see another option at this point. their parents are unfit and my mom can't raise all three. I can't raise all three right now. so they have to be separated. it stinks.

however, i did grow up in a "broken" home. my "half" brothers and sisters grew up in different houses... but they were still my brothers and sisters. I saw them as often as we could and i have a close relationship with all of them. was it hard? sure! did we make it work? of course.