[Nalansor]

Hi,
When we adopted our son, I promised his birth mother that we would have an open adoption...that he would know his birthmom loved him enough to place him in our family. He will eventually know her as his birthmom, and he'll eventually meet his siblings. I'm not sure on the timing (advice would be good) about when to tell him, but I will. I made a promise.

Trouble is that since birthmom moved to the other side of the continent, my husband and parents think I shouldn't plan on telling my son about his birthmom because they don't want to confuse him. They are thinking of him; there's no animosity at all with any of us. But they've started putting pressure on me because we're going to see her in a few months. I realize he's only a baby right now...but I did make that promise and I will uphold it.

How can I keep peace with my family?
Nalan

[loveajax]

I am married to an adult adoptee who said he is so grateful that he never remembers being told he was adopted, he just always knew. I think most adoption professionals agree that it is never too early to talk to your child about adoption. If you are "afraid" to talk about it, it may seem like there is something "wrong," etc., and I think even little kids can pick up on it!


The fact that your child's birth mom does not live nearby really in no way should "affect" your decisions to talk.

I have talked to DD about adoption since she was an infant. Obviously, she didn't understand but it was good practice for me to get comfortable with her story and the story of our family! She is almost 4 now and I still don't think she really "gets it" but she knows that we adopted her, that she has birth parents who love her very much, etc.

Anyway, this is really a parenting thing and I think you can explain to your family that it is best for your son (my Dad didn't want me to tell DD she was adopted either! It must be a generational thing!).

Best of luck to you!!

[Sdirector]

I think that it is a generation thing, but as to being adopted, it is not a good thing to keep a secret.

Now, I disagree with many (most) on here about open adoption, basically giving the children four parents. But they have to do what is best for them. I think that the adoption process itself should be taught to the child, and how the family was created. That way, they always know, and are fine with it.

[Nalansor]

The good part is that I love to tell my son about how we met, when I first saw him (sonogram), and how we believe God brought us together. My husband loves for me to tell him the story as well,...so perhaps as long as I tell that story regularly, then things will go fine.

Since birthmom is so far away, there can't be an issue of having two moms. As much as it hurt when she abruptly left, I realize now that it was for the better.

[Dickons]

Nalansor,

Per your last post...you HAVE already told him...it is his adoption story, we each have a different one based on exactly that...when you first met him.

Cheers,
Dickons

[bethy724]

In this day and age there is no reason to lie to your child (not telling the truth is lying JMO) never mind keep your word-birthmom kept her word to you didn't she? I'd ask mom & husband to dig deep & figure out why they don't want their baby to know the truth - are they insecure? Do they think that she'll want his back? (my 86 yo grandma told me to stop sending pic's because my son is sooo cute bio mom will try to get him "back"-she believed this in her heart so I had to be gentle-but I guess if he was ugly she wouldn't want him back?)

The adults in the situation need to figure out their aprehension on being true to their word (I'd hope your hubby had some say during the adoption - it's his word too) - the child is entitled to the truth about his beginings-there's really no way around it. I don't know how it is confusing for a child to be told he grew in another womans tummy & she is his "tummy mommy" or "birth mommy" or 1st mommy" whatever works for you- how is that confusing - it's just what happened & how you became a family. To know that another person in the world loves you is not confusing - it sounds like it may be to them-something they have to work thru - not your baby.

[DannieAS]

we had this talk in my PRIDE class last night and there were a couple of people that spoke up....one older lady (who will be helping her granddaughter foster) and one other woman told their stories.....the older lady told us how they kept her from knowing about the adoption (also a relative/sister situation) and how it really affected her negatively for a long time emotionally/spiritually/self-esteem wise.....and the other woman told her story of how she always knew she was adopted and she was happy with it.....

granted every person's reaction can be different, but knowing the truth is always best policy IMO

[EZ2Luv]

As an adult adoptee from the closed era who was raised by WONDERFUL parents, I always knew I was adopted, but never knew who my bmom was. I was also adopted within family. Bmom is Amom's sister. Honestly, I can only speak for myself here but I am so glad that I never knew bmom's identity. I would have definately been confused (my bmom would have demanded I make choises, that is she was) and as far as I am concern aparents are my parents, the only ones I ever knew. I loved bmom as an aunt and that is the extent of it. Even after I found out I still can only love her as an aunt. But that is just me.

I don't think it it is at all fair to lie to a child about being adopted. I think they should always be told the truth about that. I also think that once a child knows they are adopted, you should take their lead and if they reach a point where they want to know more then they should be told.
You know your child best. Right now he is a baby and you have some time, but please don't ever not tell him he is adopted. Let him know and keep the lines of communication open. My Sweet aMomma asked me as a teenager if I wanted to know who bmom was and I told her no. We had that kind of relationship because my parents were very honest about me being adopted.

EZ

[Nalansor]

Okay, thanks. I promised the birthmom I'd keep this an open adoption, and I'll tell my son his story enough so that he'll always know.

My parents will be okay with that eventually.

[kidsbond]

i will collect the more information.