[enggirl]

Hello!
After 8 years of ttc, including surgery, we were recently approached by someone in the family who found themselves pregnant and not wanting another child. Of course, we agreed to adopt the baby, due 8-7-09 and are ecstatic! But I am afraid!
What if she changes her mind? She keeps saying all the right things-we have openly talked about the situation. She feels as though we are helping them out. I have expressed to her how much this means to our family and she seems to understand that. But I have to keep asking myself, what if she changes her mind?!?! It's just so hard!! How do you get through it? I've yet to just let myself go and really enjoy this experience. After suffering 2 mscg's I guess I'm just afraid to let loose!

Any advice will be so appreciated! Thanks so much for just being here to let me get some of this out!!!

Enggirl

[Happywife]

Wow! I bet your emotions are just flying, huh?

I don't have a lick of experience with this (except for the infertility thing!), but here are my initial thoughts:

1. Have you talked with a lawyer who specializes in adoption?

2. Have you encouraged your family member to see counseling regarding this huge decision?

3. As extremely excited as this is (I can't even imagine!!), make sure that you and your husband understand that this is your family member's baby until (and only if) she signs the termination papers. Even after the birth in August, she can change her mind. Will you be able to support her decision to parent if that is what she chooses? That certainly isn't an easy question, and I don't know how I'd answer that in your position.

Keep us posted on how things turn out!

[enggirl]

Yes, we do have an attorney on board. And I do understand that she can revoke her consent up to 10 days after the birth. I am aware of all of that and I guess I just keep thinking the odds of this actually happening can't be that good. But, she does continue to tell me she won't change her mind.

The waiting is just so hard! I would love to get pregnant and have my own, but after this, that seems like the easy way to go! That probably doesn't make a lick of sense!!

[sams-mommy]

Originally Posted by enggirl

Yes, we do have an attorney on board. And I do understand that she can revoke her consent up to 10 days after the birth. I am aware of all of that and I guess I just keep thinking the odds of this actually happening can't be that good. But, she does continue to tell me she won't change her mind.

The waiting is just so hard! I would love to get pregnant and have my own, but after this, that seems like the easy way to go! That probably doesn't make a lick of sense!!

Hi, I know how hard it is and I am so sorry you are felling like this, but IT IS ALL worth it in the end. Trust me on that!! We didn't do our adoption from a family member but we meet the birthmom because her uncle and mine were friends. Well we had a little hope she wouldn't change her mind b/c she was 15. And the Bf was for the adoption as well as both sides of their families. Even with that it was the most nerve wracking thing to go through. You want to be excited and do all the stuff you would if you were pregnant but you always have that n the back of your mind,"what if"
Well I did paint the nursery but didnt order furniture. I didnt have a shower until the baby came home.
Unfortunately no matter what I tell you and that in the end it all worked out for us, You just can't be sure until she signs and the waiting period is over. It sucks!
We had a failed situation where we saw the baby for 45 min in the nursery and didnt go home with the baby. So when we had the situation with our son, we were a little scared.
But I think the positive thing is that she knows you and wouldn't want to hurt you and is probably pretty sure before she even brought it up to you. It sounds like she will still get to hear about and see the baby which could also be a good indicator. We are still in contact with our sons birthmom and she feels so good being able to see he is happy and healthy and it gives her peace. she just wrote me and said she was happy she could change someones life for the better by choosing us for his parents.
My advice is to stay in close contact with her let the things she does and says ease your mind a little, thats what I did. We emailed and talked almost everyday and I think we felt like his parents to them because of that.
Good luck, and I am here if you need to chat.
Oh yeah, btw that does make sense about getting pregnant. I too went through 6 yrs of infertility stuff and that was so much easier, hard but easier!!

[hollatjagirl]

I am right there with you!! I had my brother and his ex girlfriend approach me. They know of my surgery, fertility meds, mscgs..and want me to take the baby; she is dead set on going to college, she is 18. She told her parents and the want nothing to do with her..I don't know what to do to help, nor where to begin!! Good luck!! You are not alone, Know that!

[Nalansor]

Along with what everyone else has said, let me offer you this advice as hard as it is: "Let Go and Let God."

I don't know your religious beliefs, but when I went through the same thing you did, the only way I found peace with the waiting and wondering was reminding myself that there is a Purpose, a Plan, and a Reason for everything. That I'm doing my part by knowing that everything happens for a Reason larger than me.

It's not easy, but that's what got me through 6 months of uncertainty...we adopted my husband's niece's child, and she moved in with us when she was 3 months pregnant. On her 6th month she moved into her own place, was well into counseling to ensure that whatever decision she made was her own, and we had become quite close. Like you, she felt like I was helping her because she just couldn't care for another child...but we were really there for each other.

I even remained the 4 days in the hospital with her. Talk about gut-wrenching! I prayed for peace and guidance.

She did follow through, and we recently finalized the adoption. I truly hope your birthmother goes through with the adoption for everyone's sake, especially yours.
You can get through this.

[Barbara81906]

I completely understand what you are going through... but instead of it bing a family member it is a really good friend of mine... she is due sept 13th... she acts as though i'm doing her the favor even though my husband and i are so grateful to her for giving us this opportunity since we were ttc for 6 yrs with 2 mscgs also... I just realized i need to trust that my friend wouldn't try to hurt me... i do keep in the back of my mind that this is still her baby until everything is done with but i also tell myself wow inorder for someone that close to you to offer it they are usually certain at that point that this is what they want... (they had to decide this was best giving up their baby but still being able to see it and know how it is doing) I think that for these type of situations it is almost easier it's not like it's their first kid so they already know what to expect from having a baby and they will still be able to see it and they know that you and your husband will be wonderful parents... but definately make sure she gets counseling... my friend is in counceling for the adoption and for having gotten out of an abusive relationship...
Best of luck to you.... try to enjoy it... see if she'll let you go to an ultrasound appointment it will make it more real for you I know it did for me (i wasn't there at the first one cause it was an emergency visit she thought she was having a mscg but when everything turned out ok and she came home and handed me the ultrasound pic and said heres yours baby's first picture i just cried....

[codysmama]

It is a very exciting and scary time. I went threw this situation. I adopted my son from my sister-in-law. She was a single mom raising one son, and didn't think she could handle raising to. We planned to adopt my son since she was about 9 weeks pregnant. It was at times an overwhelming situation. Some of our family members discouraged me, they were afraid that it would fail and I would be heart broken. I decided that I would go full force into this and allow my self to become attached from the start, I knew I was risking tremendous heart break, However, I decided that if it did work out I would be so thankful that I even got to be a part of the pregnancy. We painted the room, attended ultrasounds and doctors visits and even had a baby shower. So the good news is, she did everything that she promised. She was brave beyond words and gave me the greatest gift I have ever recieved. It was worth every second of worry. I am so thankful to have my son, and I am glad that I let myself be so involved.