[bevy]

I will try to make this short...
2 days before Christmas last year, a relative to my 3 year old cousin Angie went to visit her and to bring her Christmas gifts. What she walked into is a mom who was black and blue from abuse and a houseful of adult males drinking, smoking, and doing who knows what else while this little girl sat and watched everything. At that moment, the relative took her for the night (asked her mom of course) and the ministry was contacte by me. She has not been back since that day (neither has her 15 year old brother). Her mom had some things to do in order to get her back and has not taken one step towards cleaning up and getting herself a safe and stable home for her kids. In fact, she moved 5 hours away from her kids and continues living with the man who abuses her.
RIght now, we are going through the steps of permanently removing her from her mothers care. The permanent plan includes us adopting her.
We have been refering to ourselves and to each other as mom and dad for her and she calls us mom and dad when referring to us but not usually when she is talking directly to us. The other kids are asking if she is going to be their sister (they are 6 and 4). She is a part of our family and as long as things remain the way they are, the odds are in our favour for her becoming part of our family.
My question is is it my place to allow her to call us mom and dad and encourage it by referring to my husband as dad and vise versa? Also, we have been telling the kids that yes, she will be their sister and we count her 100% as one of our children. We are also hoping to adopt one more time and she is included in the talk about a baby sister or brother.

Any comments would be appreciated!

[bromanchik]

Is the adoption a certain thing? Could it fall through? If it could fall through you could be setting the children up for a lot of grief. I think once you are certain it is ok to do what you are doing, but if not you are setting up expectations that may not be realized.

[TxMom65]

Very hard question. Until TPR there is never a guarantee how these things will work out. These kids do need a family connection though and will strive to find it. I know for my daughter it was important to have some name that was family related to call her foster parents.
If the mother continues at this rate you will be her mom. IF it takes 2 years then you have lost this time and it will be hard for her to call you something else. You could talk to the child and ask her how she feels about calling you mom and dad. She refers to you as that, and maybe she really wants permission to do so. AS I said, it is so hard in these situations where the kids crave normalcy.

[AlexzandersMom]

This is my first post on this site. When I got custody of my niece she started to call me mom when she started talking even though I always referred to myself as auntie when talking to her. I have a son who is 10 months older than her so it was no surprise that she just wanted to copy him. I did talk to my sister about this and she said it was alright that my niece called me mom because she knew that I was the closest thing to a mom that my niece had. With your situation it might be a little different because you don't really have contact with the mom.
I would sit her down and have a talk with her, telling her that whatever she wants to call you is fine with you and you will answer. But that's just my opinion. I hope everything works out for you.

[bevy]

Thanks for the comments,
We have talked to her about this and she says she wants to call us mom and dad and definately does some of the time. I will also hear her say "I have two moms" and that is ok too. I think she is justifying calling us mom and dad when she does that.
Because it is a relative adoption, I cannot see it going any other way but I do know that things do sometimes change when you are least expecting it.

[greenrobin]

I'm with all the others--it's never over till it's over. There will be a plan for this child's mom. Services will be offered, especially if this is a first time event for her. She may clean up--it happens. I don't know the laws governing such things in your area, but I would advise you to contact whoever it is at the ministry and ask. It's still way early. Although it doesn't feel like it to you, it's only been a month and that is no time at all in which to expect change.

Although our kids were not relatives, their mom has tried to get it together for the last 16 months. We're just now scheduled to go to TPR in March.

I don't mean to discourage you. It's just the way it is.

And, yes, let your little one call you whatever she wants to. It helps her feel more secure. And heaven knows she needs it, bless her little heart.

[bevy]

It hasn't been only a month, it has been 13 months. So far, her mom has been to court 4 times and each time has just been asking for an extention because she has not made one step in the right direction. She has only gone backwards. Last court date was Nov 08 and that was the first one where there was a permanency plan presented. Now, we are up for court again in Feb. She is not even coming to court for her son's custody hearing next week. His foster parents are taking full gaurdianship of him and she is just mad that she has to come 5 hours to court when she already said that they can take gaurdianship of him (15 year old half sibling to our Angie). It shows where her mind is right now. Not with her kids.

I also know that things can change. Not sure it will though in this case...

[Mom2J]

We are kind of long-termers, when it comes to having custody, without an adoption. Our son (cousin) was 2 1/2 years old, when we got custody. We started referring to ourselves as aunt and uncle. With 2-other kids in the house that called us "mom and dad", it just happened. I personally couldn't correct a 2-year old and tell him he couldn't call us mom and dad too.

I think it's more difficult for the younger kids, because they REALLY need someone to call mom and dad and if their biological parents aren't around, it's very important to them. Let them call you whatever they want. Actually, my son was in and out of foster care for the year and a half before we got custody and he called every female that he saw "mom". (He even called our 12-year old daughter mom. She corrected him quite quickly, that she had a name and he had better use it. LOL)

Mom2J