[OneMoreTime]

My brother-in-law has called us and asked us to adopt his son's child because his son is in jail and the birthmother has lost custody of her other two children. He feels TPR is imminent. He thought of us because we have 5 other adopted children. He wants to be called Grandpa. All of our children call him Uncle Kevin. We are trying to explain to him that if we adopt the baby, in our family structure he would be Uncle. And when the baby was old enough to understand family dynamics and begins to question, we would explain the relationships and if the child wanted to start calling him Grandpa then, it would be the child's choice. My brother-in-law is absolutely against being called Uncle. He has also told us that he would not be able to treat him as an equal to our other children. He says he would treat him different because he is his grandchild. Basically, he wants his grandchild, but doesn't want the responsibility that's why he is not adopting him. We are in a quandary as to what to do and how to handle this. We want to help out and have been praying to adopt again, but we also want to protect our children. Any thought???

[tweetybirdus]

I hate to say this, but if you are uncomfortable with his terms and not willing to budge and he is uncomfortable with yours and not willing to budge, this may not be the right situation for either of you. If you think the new child being treated differently would cause problems with your other children, this is a situation that you should not take.

I hope that whatever happens, it's the right thing for you, your family, him, and the child. The children are what's important in all of this.

[CaddoRose]

If you were able to take the child, I guess it would then be up to you and CPS(until adoption) how much interaction he would have with the child. Since he is the grandfather, I don't see a problem with allowing the child to know that information and call him such unless you have a reason for keeping that info unknown. If the other children knew he was the grandfather of their newest sibling, I don't see how that would be a problem. There are all kinds of families and relations. This is just one more. He is the uncle to your other children, but he is the grandfather of this one child. I guess I see it the same as a birth Mom/Dad being called something other than that. I don't see the harm in allowing the child to know the relationship from the beginning. Not saying your wrong in your decision, just wondering about the reasons.

[Lynard1210]

If what the child calls a family member is the deal breaker, I would say do what is best for the child. Honestly, I don't think the child will care either way what anyone is called as long as the child gets a loving family and truthful information. It appears that this man is both an uncle and a grandfather so why not just let the child decide what to call him. Family roles change in relative adoption. I am both a mother and a grandmother. My husband is both a father and a grandfather. I'm not sure how old this child is but I have a feeling it will work itself out in a way that may surprise you.

[feelingreyt]

The one statement that would concern me above the others is the fact the grandfather said he would treat the child differently than he treats your other children. That would not set well with me, not for a moment.
This child would become a sibling to your other children. In my house, everyone treats everyone the same...PERIOD!
We have 2 bio children and 1 adopted son. No one in my family will treat my adopted son any differently than they treat my bios. The same holds with my son's bfamily(relative adoption, placed at 5 days old). They will treat all my kids equal. If not, they will have to deal with me!

I wish you all the luck in the world. My thoughts are with the child.

[Hadley2]

I think it is different for every family and can be different in different contexts. I have friends with many adopted children, mostly f-a, many of their kids have open relationships with birthfamily, clearly each child's birthfamily singles that child out among the 12 kids total.

We are adopting my niece. Her first parents gift and write to our biochildren also. Frankly, I'd prefer they didn't--I'm uncomfortable enough and find it difficult enough to navigate their relationship with her, that they extend their reach into my home to our other children only makes it worse. I'm not proud of that sentiment, but there you go.

Niece's other birthfamily on her first mother's side send cards and gifts only to her and that is fine. Our kids not only understand this, they are good with it and the same-age DD says she is glad that her sister-to-be has some special attention because she knows she needs it. We are grateful that they do what they do, and certainly don't expect more. So that works for us.

Where children get treated the same in our family that I am comfortable with and want is within our family. My parents, sisters, etc. and DH's mother and other siblings, etc. treat all our kids the same--even though niece is not yet legally or biologically related to my family. That I would insist on, but haven't had to beyond one conversation with my dad a couple of years ago. There is nothing in his actions or demeanor, that is different among the children, though, and I give him a lot of credit for that as he is pretty old school in some ways.

Niece's first father is Uncle X to our bios, just plain X to her and sometimes the bios, too. That worked out OK, too, since she never called him "dad" until he insisted she do so about six months into her second removal. When she has asked, we've been clear he is still first father, and will also be uncle after the adoption. She is old enough to get that. She is also old enough to have told me that she thinks it would be "weird" for her to call him "uncle X." That's fine, I get that and wouldn't insist on it.

I could see, though, that in another family with different dynamics, and with starting with an infant, that roles and titles may need to be set more clearly--as long as the child is raised openly to know the actual biological relationships as they grow old enough to understand what biological relationships are. (Niece did not even at age 6; to her, "mom" and "dad" were titles some people gave the grownups in the house where you lived. She had no clue her first parents had any different relationship to her than her first foster parents or us.)

Sorry to be so long-winded. With five adopted children in the house, by now you probably have a good idea of what works best for your family in managing open relationships and your extended family. It may help in talking with your BIL to take the personal out of the discussion by talking about how it works with your other children's birthfamilies or how it works with your other extended family with regard to all the children. If he felt less singled out and more as if this child was moving into an existing system, it might take some of the sting out of it, especially if you are clear about being open with the child as it grows about who is who biologically.

[Mom2J]

I've thought long and hard about replying. I've actually done so several times without posting it, because as a family that has a mixture of adoption stories, I do realize our situation may be different, but also very similar.

One child in our family is biological, one is an international adoption, and one is a relative placement working on their adoption. (This is a long-term placement so we've been dealing with this for quite a few years.)

Our two by adoption/custody were very young, when the youngest came into our home. Since the youngest was a relative placement, we made it very clean, that the children wouldn't be distinguished between as in "mine-yours". For us, this was very important so as not to allow favoritism to be shown. Our agreement was that they didn't have to recognize the other kid's birthdays, but at Christmas time, please don't single the one child out. Even with this agreement, the first Christmas package came addressed to "______ Family". I called and asked were they wrapped inside or do I put the package under the tree as is. I was informed they were wrapped and go ahead and open the box. The kids all gathered around and inside was a card to the family and a package only for "the one relative" child. Our internationally adopted child was quite hurt by this. He asked why it said family, then only had a package for "him" and not for all of the family.

You see, sometimes singling out one child can cause issues in the family dynamics as it did with our children. The biological child was older and had requested NOT to be included in the recognition. We passed on this information to the biological family of the youngest child. It is VERY important for our internationally adopted child to feel equal to and be accepted by all as a member of the family. (He has certain disabilities that single him out anyway, so to fit into "life", we do everything possible to have him be as "normal" as possible.) This was stated before we got custody of the youngest.

I see this as you have several different choices. You make it clear that the child will be raised knowing there are differences in the family and they're related to others, BUT you will not distinguish this until the children are old enough to make their wishes known. You can raise the child as your brother-in-law is "uncle" only, because as your child, the brother-in-law IS uncle. (Knowing the child will be told at an age appropriate level.) You can start off with the child calling "uncle"- Grandpa and thus allowing the other children to also have another "grandpa".

It's actually kind of funny in our house now. The biological child refers to the yougest's b-mom as "first name". The international and relative child refer to b-mom as "Mama -first name". She has accepted this. She isn't the issue in all of this, neither is the b-father, or her husband. It's the bio-grandparents and bio-great-grandparent.

I'm sorry this is also long winded, but I think you need to see from another person living in this. When my family set out the "agreement", we explained that the "relative" child would be raised as a full-member of our family and not as a "baby-sat" child and would have the full- perks as our child. (i.e.- at Christmas we wouldn't buy for the bio and internationally adopted and then what was left over would be for "relative" child. If we would raise the child as our own, then it should be treated as such. We wouldn't allow the grandparents to only send to bio and international and leave out relative, so why should we allow it for the relative's family. Do you get what I'm saying?)

Let us know what you decided. It really is your choice to do what's best for your family as you see fit. I just wanted you to see another side.

Mom2J

[Mom2J]

PS- I just thought of something. The oldest nephew-my sister's son- in the family had issues saying "uncle" and the name "Eddy". He would say "Munkle" and then in a short time said "Monkey Eddy". (I guess it flowed better.) Now, every child including mine, refers to my brother as "Monkey Eddy". He's the fun uncle. Monkey Eddy loves it. It's given him a special title that no other has and it's also different. I'm not saying refer to your brother-in-law as "Monkey", but maybe find a special name to call him so all children can distinguish him as "special". It'll probably make him feel special as well as distinguished in the family.

PPS- This has lasted over- 16 years of this name. The oldest 2-kids are getting ready to graduate from high school and address him still as "Monkey Eddy".

Mom2J

[cetalley]

Hello, I read your quandry, and only a simple thought came to mind....adopted children, as well as bio children, should ALWAYS be told the truth. My saying this ..is a firm belief that all children deserve. I do not know if your other children are adopted from relatives, if not the truth of uncles being uncles is of TRUTH. However if this child you may adopt, is indeed the grandchild to your brother, then this child should be allowed the TRUTH. By explaining this to the other children ( the why of this child calling their uncle ..grandpa,), should be explained in simplicity, and therefore will have a greater respect for being told the truth. This is just my opinion...do not take this in any offense, I just feel adopted children are lied to..or led to live lies, way too much. Now , I also think " Grandpa" needs a little sermon, on how to not show favortism, this is about as damaging as being lied to! I think, if it were I, if this could not be down satisfacory by both parties, then I would say no thank you! Blessings, C.J.