[QFMama]

Hi! I'm very new here! Just registered today! I have a sticky situation in my family and lots of questions, so please indulge me. I would love to have feedback from people who have experienced similar situations so that I can discern how to proceed.

A little background about me: My DH and I have been married for over 6 years. We have 2 bio sons. My DH and I want a large family, and have always talked about filling our quiver with both biological and adopted children. DH is in a fellowship at the moment, and I'm a SAHM, so we planned to start looking into adoption after his fellowship was finished and we were more financially stable.

Over Christmas, I found out that a cousin of mine ("C") is pregnant. VERY pregnant...due Jan 20th! She is 20, unmarried, and with no job. She was living with her boyfriend (the baby's father) and his mother. "C"'s parents are not very supportive of her keeping the baby and are pressuring her to put the baby up for adoption. When I found out about her pregnancy, I decided that if her close family wasn't going to support her, I would. C told me she wanted to keep the baby and marry her BF, that they were looking for a place to live together, etc. I took her out to dinner and we talked about labor, birth, breastfeeding, new baby care, etc. I talked with my mom (who lives down the road from C's parents...I live about 3 hours away but in the same state) about giving her a shower since she had virtually nothing for the baby.

C had very little prenatal care. Her parents kept her pregnancy a secret from everyone and I think were hoping she would have the baby and quietly give it up and no one would ever know. C is very hurt that her family doesn't support her. But she was also under the impression that her bf was going to marry her and they were going to live happily ever after. The bf's "alarm clock didn't go off" the day of her ultrasound so he didn't make it, and he never showed up to pick her up from her parents' house after Christmas either. So, from the conversations C and my family have had in the past week, I think she's realizing that bf is probably not going to stay in the picture....he's 18 and scared to death, hasn't finished high school and is unemployed.

When I spoke with her over dinner at Christmas, she told me her family wanted her to put the baby up for adoption. I asked her what she thought about that and she said that she did want to keep the baby, but she knew how hard it would be and that if she got a month or two in and decided she was overwhelmed, that adoption would definatly be an option. I told her adoption was not a decision she should make based on what her family thought, but on her prayerful decision about what was best for her and the baby. I told her that she had my full support on being a mother if that is what she wanted, and that she could stay with my DH and I for a couple of weeks after the baby came if she felt like she needed someone to show her the ropes in a supportive environment. However, after our conversation, I really feel like she's VERY naive in her hopes and beliefs about what having a baby, alone, with no income, is going to be like. She hasn't checked into WIC or foodstamps or anything. She's made little to no preperation. I feel like she's going to be totally blindsided by the enormity of what having a baby totally dependant on your is going to feel like.

So now on to the questions I have. My DH and I discussed the situation and decided, after much talking and praying, that if C does decide on adoption, that we would like to offer to adopt her daughter. My thoughs are that C may be happier with an open adoption because we are in the family, she would see her daughter regularly at family functions, etc, and DH and I are definately ok with keeping her in the loop. How do I approach this conversaton with C? I have told her, and I want her to continue to know, that if she wants to keep the baby and be her mother I support her 110% and I will be there for her and help her however I can. I do NOT want her to think that I am like her family and pushing her to adoption because I think she can't handle being a mother or that she would be a bad mother. But I also want her to know that, since she said adoption could be an option for her, that we would offer to adopt the baby so she could stay in the family. I just don't know how (or if) I should broach that conversation with her. She's due in about 3 weeks.

So how do I let her know that we will support her whatever decision she makes? Should I even let her know that we are an option? Should I let her parents know? My mother knows how DH and I feel, but she is not planning to mention it to C unless she brings it up.

Any insight would be VERY appreciated. I don't want to scare her off, but I don't want to lose the opportunity to let her know that we are an option and have her choose to just give the baby up randomly because she didn't think there was a way to keep her in the family.

If you read this rambling novel, thank you. My heart is aching right now for C and her baby, and I just want to do the right thing.

[Hadley2]

Since the thought is there, I think the honest thing to do is to express it. Whether you intend to have conflicted reasons or reasoning or not, it is a factor that may affect what you say or do without your realizing it or how this young mother perceives what is happening and I think she has a right to know you feel this way. To not say anything now then pop it out later would feel as if you had been hiding something for a reason.

It doesn't have to be an enormous, dramatic revelation. A simple, "we support you in whatever decision you make, and, you know, if it comes to adoption, we would be happy if you considered us, but it is your choice whatever you do." Then back that up, if you can, by connecting her with impartial family planning and counseling services, which may be offered or available by reference through your local social services agency. From what I have learned on these boards, I personally do not have any confidence in the "counseling" offered through adoption agencies or the one-sided counseling of some religious organizations.

As for being naive and not being prepared, I wasn't at 32, either, with a college degree, career, husband, and house. The pregnancy and naivete alone won't sink her, if she is otherwise a well-organized, functional person for her age, she will be able to find her way with the right help and a few tips--like an oversight of what help is available to her, how to get medical care, how to get housing and food assistance, how to get daycare vouchers if she wants to work, etc.

Be aware that relative adoptions are often the hardest and trickiest of open situations, much more vulnerable to emotional confusion and entanglements. Knowing everyone will be together at family events is not always the happy scene you imagine.

As in any relative situation, it is always hard to set healthy boundaries for ourselves and our loved ones. To open up your home and heart is one thing, to not get unhealthily vested in another's business is another. Speaking from personal experience, it is best to tread lightly and detach with love from the choices and decisions of loved ones. Sometimes we can only tend to one part of a situation and the rest has to be left to someone else.

Good luck to you and your family, your cousin, and especially this baby. I hope all works out.