[Nalansor]

Hello,
I am a total newbie to these forums, but they look great! I'm glad to have the opportunity to read about other people's experiences and to share my own.

My husband and I just adopted our son 7 weeks ago. We adopted him as a newborn from my husband's neice. It's an open adoption, and we're thrilled with everything.

Except...(there's always an exception!!)

Birthmom "Anna" was homeless, had 2 girls already, an unplanned pregnancy, no education, and only 20 when we met her. She had tried to abort the child, but when she heard that I could not have children, the family joined us together and eventually we realized we could help each other: she could make me the mother I thought I never could be, and we coudl help Anna become a self-sustaining member of society.

While she and her girls lived with us (4 months), we learned a lot about each other. She helped me learn about the rigors of motherhood, and I helped her with a lot. Anna came to us with 2 bags for herself and her girls and nothing else, literally. She had no ID, no SS card (she is American-born), etc., just to give you an idea. So hubby and I set out to help her. We ultimately connected her with two non-profit agencies to help with the adoption process, her counseling, etc., so that she could make her decision without feeling like she owed us for what we'd done for her.

She's been in her own place for 4 months now, living off of the 2 agencies for major expenses, and me and hubby for minor expenses. She did experience major setbacks educationally because the last couple of months of her pregnancy were terrible (in/out of the hospital), but the monies from these agencies run out at the end of December.

Since the birth of the beautiful little boy--whom she did sign over rights for the adoption--she has done next to nothing to better herself. It seems as if the only things she will do is when I or my parents (who have taken over for me because of the baby) literally stand over her! Unless one of us is standing over her, she won't do anything. Until recently, she wasn't worried about the money running out...

My husband and I are teachers; we can barely afford our own family. Though my parents do have money, they treat Anna as family and therefore expect her to pull her own weight. They will not condone laziness. They've told her time and time again that they will help her if/when she helps herself. (And Anna and her girls are a part of our family and they do join us for holidays, birthdays, get-togethers, etc.) Recently we've all grown very frustrated with her because time is ticking and she's not concerned!?

We have made it clear to her that she and her girls cannot move back in with us or my parents. She will lose her apartment if she cannot pay her bills. That message was sent with a "tough love" feeling that really hurt, but it had to be done.

Unfortunately, she pulled the "baby" card by saying, "It's like your parents got their grandchild, so now they're kicking me to the curb." Nooooooooo, not at all. Would the be taking her to fill out applications, teaching her to drive, taking her to the doctors, etc. if they were kicking her to the curb? I don't think so.

Part of me is offended for my parents' sake because I know how much they are trying to help her. Most of me just feels an immense amount of anger toward Anna for making excuses/not pulling her weight. I also don't like that I personally feel that I "owe" her because I adopted her baby.

But what am I supposed to do? How can I help Anna without insulting her? How can my parents help her when she doesn't really want to help herself? What do you all suggest we do? No matter what, she is family and will always be family, so it's not like I can ever--or would ever--turn my back on her or her girls. But I and my parents won't be her emotional slave, either.

In advance, thanks.

[BrandyHagz]

she would carry the child to term so we could adopt and in turn, we'd help Anna become a self-sustaining member of society. It's a total win-win!!!

Wow...was your attorney aware of this? Because this is illegal...I know it sounds innocent enough and I am sure your intentions were above board - but if she went to court and said, "They told me they'd pay my way and support me if I gave them my baby" then you'd have a real legal mess on your hands...not to mention the fact that it could call your adoption into question.

I would encourage you to draw your line in the sand. It is not YOUR responsibility to make sure she is ok…however, since you’ve made this promise in exchange for the child…wow…that’s just a really difficult position to be in, because if things did go ‘bad’ – she would have a ‘legal leg’ to stand on, so to speak.

[Nalansor]

Everything was legal about the adoption. We went through a women's center who then directed Anna to several adoption agencies, and she chose one. She attended several counseling sessions to ensure that the adoption was what she wanted to do. I understand that you're trying to point out the legal end and that I should have included this point: there is no way I could have adopted this child if there had been any manipulation or coersion on my part. Hubby and I stated time and time again in front of the adoption counselors that we would still be her family/support her should she choose not to go through with the adoption.

Your comment makes me feel like I did something wrong.

Futher, it was in getting to know her--when she came to live with us--that we learned of her dreams to have an education and a real career. Those were areas we could help her with because we're teachers.

[BrandyHagz]

No no! That wasn't my intention, I am so sorry! My intention was to point out how this could be a very difficult place to be - especially if things were presented to her in the manner in which you posted in your first post.

If she was of the impression that she was placing with you in order to get the help she wanted/needed - then that could be a problem. It is a fact.

Just be very careful and as I said, it is not your responsibility to make sure she is ok. Is she still getting counseling? 7 weeks is a very short amount of time to expect someone to get over the loss of a child (because, open adoption or not, that is what it is to some birth mothers).

Encourage her to get counseling. Draw your line in the sand regarding help. Only help her if she is willing to help herself, but at the same time, don't hold unrealistic expectations of her healing. 7 weeks is, in my opinion, far to soon to be expected to pick up the pieces and act normal...so maybe she needs some help getting there!

[Nalansor]

Oh, thank you! My wording did make it sound like a pre-agreement, and that's not the case. We would have left her in another state, but the family cautioned us that her side of the family would only take advantage of her if we sent her money or set her up in her own apartment. To give you an idea of what she came from, her aunt told her (before she left), "Now you won't have to worry where your next meal will come from."

Since we had a 20 + hour drive home, we had a lot of time to talk and get to know each other.

She is still receiving counseling though she doesn't want it. She often does not answer phone calls from her counselors.

I cannot imagine the pain she and other birthmothers feel, even if she says she's perfectly okay with this. I know it has to hurt somehow, somewhere. Maybe her recent actions are an expression of that suppressed hurt? And if so, how do we help her to recognize and then move through that grief?

I've been in touch with her counselor, so she is aware of the situation. But time is still ticking and hubby and I don't have the funds to support her if she can't pull her own by the end of December. Are you suggesting that we allow her to move back in? I do not want to be insensitive to her needs.

EDIT: even if I am frustrated with her, that is

[BrandyHagz]

Are you suggesting that we allow her to move back in?

Heck NO! But then again, I wouldn't have supported/suggested she move in to start with. There are a LOT of services out there to help her - but you CAN NOT (and should not) support/raise your child's birth parents.

I suggest drawing your line in the sand. Have the 'hard talk' (I had to do that this past January)...

"Anna, I'm sorry, regardless of what we do to help, you do not seem to be doing anything to help yourself. You have until XX to do XX or we will have no other choice but to stop trying to help".

You can lead a horse to water - yadda yadda yadda.

Remember, however, that once you've opened the door - it is VERY hard to close it without hurting someone...but you have to do what is right for YOU and YOUR FAMILY - and as much as you want to help and support her, she needs to help and support herself. You didn't adopt her. She isn't your responsibility.

[RavenSong]

Is it possible that Anna is suffering from postpartum depression? I know that the first few months after I gave birth and relinquished my son, I felt totally numb, not sad. But it turned out that my emotional numbness was a symptom of a very serious depression. Hormones, plus relinquishment, can do a double whammy.

Is there any way her counselors could assess her for clinical depression? If she is depressed, some antidepressants might be the answer--they would at least give her the energy to become motivated. (The times in my life when I have suffered clinical depression, one of the first things that happens to me is a total loss of motivation.) Something to think about...

[Nalansor]

Remember, however, that once you've opened the door - it is VERY hard to close it without hurting someone...but you have to do what is right for YOU and YOUR FAMILY - and as much as you want to help and support her, she needs to help and support herself. You didn't adopt her. She isn't your responsibility.

Agreed, and I do so very much appreciate your support...but she is still family. I want to make sure that IF she ends up having to do Section 8 housing or even moving back to her own state that we've done everything we possibly can to give her the support she needs. It's the only way can live with myself. Besides, on a personal level, I really do love/admire her. She's been through hell and back and is still a beautiful person.

For my family, allowing her and her girls to come back would be very derisive. Unhealthy. Potentially dangerous because her girls are, well, 5 and 4 year olds!!

*sigh* Life wasn't meant to be easy, was it?

RavenSong,
You bring up something that Anna's counselors, my parents, my husband, and I have all wondered about. I mean, Anna didn't even shed a tear at the hospital. Well, not true. When she saw me talking to the baby (I still don't know if she heard me but can only assume she did), and I said, "Can I be your Mommy? I may not do everything right, but I'll love you forever," I did see tears...but she said it was something else.

Still, point is that she was all smiles when she left the hospital. I don't know how she was when she actually signed because she was with her counselors.

She has said from the point when she made up her mind that she was happy about the adoption, that she knew the baby would be loved and cared for in a way she couldn't provide. She also didn't want to raise another baby! Two girls! Oy! But most of all, she knew that the adoption was in-family and she trusts us to uphold our committment to the open adoption...all reasons why she was not sad. But still. Maybe she is repressing hurt and loss? If she is, she's not telling anyone.

Ravensong, what did it take to get through to you? You say you went numb. Maybe Anna is enduring that, too. How did you recognize your emotions? How did you endure?

[hkolln]

We adopted our niece this year (My husband's sisters child) and she is now our daughter. Her Mom was heavy into drugs and went to prison for it but got out in February and is supposedly trying to put her life back together. She lives in Idaho and we are in Florida. Our case is different in that CPS was involved and we fostered until we adopted, however we still deal with my SIL.

You have to do what is right for your family and not what is right for the bioparents. You are there to protect this child. I understand you feel sorry for his biomom however you can't fix her...she has to fix herself and you should not feel guilty for not helping. The most important thing is to realize what is best for this child now.

[telman999]

I feel your pain nalansor. I adopted my nephew and now his little sister is in foster care and living at my house. My sister whom my wife and I went above and beyond the call of duty to help does not want to help herself. We have tried everything we can to help her. This will sound very cold and uncaring BUT... What happens to her happens to her you did your part she is an adult and must now take responsibilities for her actions. Remember this you have but one responsibility and that is to the child. After a yr of doing my best for my sister I sat down with everyone in my family and told them that although I love my sister and that will never change I am only going to do those things which are in the best interests of the kids. No one was upset with my decision they all understood except for my sister it took a few months for her to realize I was doing what was right for her son. Anna may get angry she may say she hates you but someday she will understand.

[Nalansor]

Telman,
Thank you for sharing your experiences. It _is_ difficult to show tough love, but that's what we're now doing with Anna. We all talked with her about accountability, being a good example to her current children, etc., and then told her that she's on her own at the December if she hasn't helped herself yet. She was very upset with us, cried, but we held firm.

I am happy to say that she's putting forth more effort to find a job, get her driver's license, etc. I just hope it lasts.

Like you, we'll always love her. She's family!