[Hadley2]

Personally, I'd stay away from the news. There are many more ways it could blow back at your badly than help....

All the things you are doing good. Keep pushing de facto as that is what will get you and your attorney into the courtroom as parties to the case. Then you have the judge's ear and, in the end, all is up to the judge, not social services.

Can't remember if you've pursued help and licensing from your local office. I'd do both. That will get you friends on the inside of the system, people with an interest in helping you with both information, insight, resources, and contacts.

Calmness and persistence are what have seen us through some very long hauls. As relatives, we also have to be extra mindful of how we present, as reasonably as possible while leaving no doubt to commitment level--rightly or wrongly, we always have to rise above the preconceived expectations set by our diminished kin.

Be aware, too, that RAD and/or attachment symptoms may not be obvious to you on a short-term visit. It is very possible that this child does have serious issues for which they want you to have eyes wide open...that may be the reason to consult a therapist? In any case, it doesn't matter if you and your nephew are on different med insurance--our daughter will always be on Medicaid and that is not only just fine, it is perfect. If your nephew has it, try to keep it as it is probably more comprehensive than yours.

I hope all goes well for you and your family. Blessings on you for the efforts you are making for this child.

[hkolln]

I have to agree with Hadley2.

With positive persistance you will show you are doing it all in a mature manner instead of trying to get back at the system in a negative way. Lord knows we got VERY frustrated in our journey getting our daughter to our home however I feel that God won't give me more then I can handle and what I am given I'll handle with the right choices. Getting the news or TV involved may backfire on you bigtime. I would be very leary of going that route....I don't think CPS or a Judge would see that as a positive move.

[cantbuymeluv]

Thanks to all
I am a bit calmer now, but am still angry at the system and how it can be manipulated to suit some ill willed people. In court, I am calm, but inside I am very sad which brings the anger and frustration.
I am very willing to get any help for my nephew that he may need. I can understand that he may (wouldn't we all) be having a difficult time with all of this. I have been witness to some very shadey things said and done by both the foster parents and the state adoption workers up there, as well as CPS. IF he has any RAD or anything else I will be the first one to get him help. He had a VERY serious heart anomaly before and after his birth. I sought the specialists and am partly responsible for his survival, so I have in the past sought help for him and his mother My past shows my very real dedication and my present.
With God, we can survive this too. The pressure is on and I feel the heat from the fire and I want action taken.
My poor babies here cry when I leave, I miss soccer games, a birthday (my 5 year old), practice, church, etc. I get sad that this is NOT how it should be for any of us. Legislation has GOT to change.
I am calling the powers that be and requesting a meeting, now is the time to be held accountable for our actions. I also have something else up my sleeve, and will let you know how that goes.
More letters, and calls, along with my next visit this week. My baby has asthma and with the cold season I fear her getting pneumonia but I have to go. She can't go with me but her dad can handle it, just not like I do. I am also in the medical field so I know a tiny bit more.
THANKS for the rational responses when this entire situation is anything but......... In the back of my head I will plan my "last resort" but for now am just pushing forward. The time we have lost can never be made up but hopefully we won't lose all of our tomorrows.

[cantbuymeluv]

REAL quickly, I have to go to bed soon. I am exhausted! I went to court and we got de facto status. It is a win but so not over yet. The fp's have de facto also. Funny how the county fought me on getting it. Sad too. At least the judge saw the truth. He does side on CPS's side sometimes. I think he is conservative with a lot of things..........like now I don't get overnights because after my first overnight the fp claimed my nephew was acting out, blah blah blah. OK he may have...........but really I don't think so. I am willing to admit that it was a schedule change for him but REALLY come on. You should have heard the CPS worker in court.......crazy lady sounded so sincere in her concern............and really I know she is attempting to push me aside. Funny how a CPS worker can be so well versed in a field that she does not have a degree in.

so I got a long visit today and will tomorrow but no overnights. He was great. He always is. He knows me, my name, and is comfortable with me. I love him and would NOT hurt him emotionally or physically so for CPS to even act like he was disturbed, makes me MAD! I am nice in public though Just fuming on the inside. I will not stop. I will find a way to transition him with the least amount of trouble for him and the most help.
I am tired and want to go home, I came alone this time and it was tough. I am working on a few other things right now with the case but still early to open my mouth NOthing bad just trying to get the relinquishments signed.
OK gotta go, I want to have fun with him tomorrow since I don't know when I will see him next. TPR is early next month and that is the only court date set for now, but................I am working on things!

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by cantbuymeluv

.like now I don't get overnights because after my first overnight the fp claimed my nephew was acting out, blah blah blah. OK he may have...........

That happened to us too. Our visits were supervised by either the CASA worker (what a great lady she was!) or the SW herself. And our niece would hug us and ask us not to leave her after each visit then would go home and act out and the FP would tell the SW this. They were saying it was too "traumatic" for her to move to our home because of that. Even the counselor (whom we NEVER met nor spoke to over the phone) wrote up a 2 page letter to CPS on how "traumatizing" the move would be blah blah blah....So we kept fighting because we knew she was very comfortable with us and we loved her and she loved us. It was very confusing to her at that time and for a 7 yr old to understand, well that is hard to explain.

We opted for a 2 week transition to our home (we had to travel to Idaho to transition and rented a 3 bdr townhouse near the FP's) instead of just taking her immediately and we also opted to not bring her here til that summer so she could finish school. The 1st overnight visit went so well she asked us at breakfast the next morning if she could stay another one and then it just kept on going where she only left a few hours that week to visit with the FP's. The FP's even called us asking us "When is she coming back to see us?" It went so well with the transition that we even were amazed. Kids are very resiliant. She fit right in when we got back here and we haven't had any major issues! Don't take the acting out as a sign you are not the best thing for your nephew. Kids act out when they can't verbalize their feelings. If he has a counselor I would let them know what is going on so he can verbalize his feelings or (like our niece) have a play therapy session.

[cantbuymeluv]

OK did I say we won de facto? We did, but fp's have it too. AND they denied me overnights, even judge said not to for now, until we get the therapist thing worked out.
NOW, we have a new psych eval for my nephew ordered in a different town, Sacramento. Sounds good, right? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM? This place WORKS WITH CPS and I am a tiny bit suspicious. I KNOW it sounds paranoid but it isn't paranoia if it IS TRUE

OK and I have NOT received anything in writing as to what they want. I have heard the evals were for each invovled too? THEN I heard just my nephew, then I heard bonding assessment. HMMM? (I also asked the first time IF it was a bonding assessment and was told NO.) So which is it and what do they want with it and what does it mean if I do it? All of those questions floating around, that with how I have been treated DOES make me suspicious. So any information on the good and bad would be greatly appreciated
I got a call from the Dr. and they want to do it THIS NEXT week. I want to do it, but worry. I KNOW he is bonded to the fp's. DUH, he has been there since last January. I also know that he is bonded to me, but it has to be on a different level, I am never said that. JUST that I should have had him MONTHS ago. So he should NEVER gotten bonded to them as much in the first place. OK and IS he ABLE to attach is the question too? AND how to handle the transition? BUT is THAT their purpose OR is it to push me aside??????????
So I have some research to do and then get back to them. OH and fit it into my schedule because I was gone for 4 days and 3 nights and I have a family that needs me too LOL
NOW the BAD State Adoptions for that area, has called my sister and WANTS to sign the designated relinquishments. ?? Again HMM? That is the supervisor there, the other woman there ALREADY had the 2 visits with BOTH parents and DID NOT allow them to sign. THEY have been dragging their feet all along to get to TPR and WANT the fp's to get my nephew. SO here is a dilemma. The SUPERVISOR wants to meet with both parents TWICE, before signing. HMMM? TPR is set for Dec. 5th? The evals are ordered, the first meeting is the 18th, then BEFORE Thanksgiving they want the relinquishments signed? Does that mess up ANY appeals for the birth parents if they do that and then NOT place with me? I know how a desgnated relinquishment works, BUT still JUST prior to TPR are those seen as less important? Are the eval and bonding assessment ammo for State Adoptions to NOT place with me?
Any input about past experience would be helpful while I try to get back into the swing of things at home LOL
THANKS!!!

[hkolln]

Funny you mention a bonding assessment. Our attorney there while we were fighting the system to have her placed with us mentioned a possible bonding assessement. He said it could backfire though because our niece was living with the FP's for 8 months before we hired him therefore most likely they would win. He suggested we don't do it and that we try and wait to see what happens when CPS made their decision on placement. And considering the counselor was on the FP's side we didn't feel like it would work in our favor and may have hurt our case.

[cantbuymeluv]

I went ahead and did the bonding assessment. AFTER crying, thinking, dreaming, rethinking, asking everyone I knew, and talking with my attorney and a VERY great person on the inside of the State..............I did it. I know that the fp's will have a greater bond, but our point was not that they HAVE one but that HE is bondable/attachable. AND that he DOES have a bond with me also, just on a smaller scale. I have gone above whatever else they wanted from me. So why look like I am trying to hide anything? BESIDES they were having it done NO MATTER what and IF I didn't get my say so then it would ONLY be their words and nothing about me.
IF all else fails, we can hire another psychologist later but I HOPE and pray I did the right thing. OF course when my nephew saw me he said my name twice and got off of foster mom's lap to run to me and almost knocked me over THAT is a GOOD thing, he does know me and in a posititve way too The questions and surveys were no fun and only God knows what they will come up with but at least a GOOD report will be about how he does respond to me. HEY we take a positive WHEN we can get it LOL

I am very scared but praying so hard and looking for a GREAT civil attorney that specializes in suing the Government. I did NOT want to go here but it seems as things go on............I need to be prepared. I have NOT given up and have done a LOT but worry still. I have started a blog and will start working on new legislation as soon as I can review procedures. A class action suit? I think about all of the OTHER children who have lost their families and my heart hurts!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO WAY is this right!
So for now I am going to keep my letters to the powers that be circulating and keep drawing attention to myself.
I want to put MORE information out there for family members who need information and help navigating through the system. WE were never told that a foster parent COULD fight us, NOT until it was too late and even then we have learned more from other people than we have from the SW on my nephews case. I don't get responses to letters or calls unless I call many times
THANKS for listening.

[hkolln]

I'm glad you went ahead and did the bonding assessment. Hopefully they will realize you have a bond with him too.

It is scary to know a FP can fight a relative. Our niece's FP's hired an attorney to fight us from moving her here and the sad thing was everyone was saying we'd probably lose...but in the end we were able to bring her home. She is doing outstanding and nothing like anybody said would happen has. She's excelling in school and has come along way in the year and half she's been here. It is amazing! Even her counselor told my husband and I that we have done an excellent job with her and helping her feel safe and secure with us.

I know everything is frustrating right now...I wouldn't want to be back at the stage you are at however looking back I can say it was all worth it.

[cantbuymeluv]

OK the GOOD news is that the designated relinquishments were signed last Tuesday by both BIO parents to me and my husband! FINALLY, State Adoptions QUIT lagging! I BELIEVE Central Office got tired of MY SCREAMING and letters LOL

It was acknowledged the 1st of December OK that is one more step............NOW the .26 report is complete and on Tuesday the State Adoptions office that HATES me left me a message that we are named as adoptive parents for my nephew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!

BUT now CPS is on the foster parents side and asking that he stay there with him since he has been there since Jan., OH and my mom is going to try and fight it but she has NO legal standing in court. SO she is just a technical gliche.
I have de facto as does the fparents so that gives them SOME say but with State Adoptions on our side we will win........just WHEN? CPS can slow down placement and REALLY I think that has been their plan all along, drag it out till TPR and the fparents get more of a grip SAD but true.

The .26 hearing is Friday and we HOPE the judge recommends placement with us NOW!!!! NOW for me to decide THIS AM, if I drive 12 hours with my 5 kids or stay home ? My dh went out of state for work this AM.
I need to go...........I need to stay home too. POTENTIALLY, I could bring nephew home.........but realistically I think a new hearing will be set and then I will have to drive up again. THIS IS GETTING costly!

I am happy that progress is being made It is just sllllllllllllllowwwwwwwwwwwww.

AND it is hard on my nephew, my kids, and me.

[feelingreyt]

I've followed your story and I must say that I am pleased that you are named your nephews adoptive parents!!!
You seriously NEED to go on Friday! It would "look" better if you were there AND you may get to bring home!

Again, CONGRATS!!! This is definately a step in the right direction!

[hkolln]

I wish you alot of luck at the hearing!

We had a hearing too...our attorney filed for movement of our niece to our home. Unfortunately he denied the move...saying "I will not preside over a custody battle!" and left it all up to CPS and the CASA to decide. But the FP's smirked at us and laughed at that hearing. I can still remember their faces. Then they proceeded to walk outside with the SW and ask (IN FRONT OF US) "Where is my travel reimbursement for this!?" GEEZE...how tacky.

But all in all it ended good...we did eventually get placement. Just be prepared that the Judge may not move the child so quickly!

[cantbuymeluv]

OK sorry it took so long...............

Court was put off until the 19th. The State wanted to put something into the report(?) I don't know why they do that.................Also the foster parents were "leaving" town for the weekend and no visits with my nephew were allowed.
I am very tired of these stunts! I get WHY some people give up, like parents who may just need a 'little' help, but CPS treats them worse than dogs and even lies in court about them! HEAVEN help the ones who are actually innocent! I am very afraid of this broken system and cannot believe that I never knew what a mess it really is. Sad when you watch a CPS Supervisor perjure herself in court and a SW LIE about a date and I can prove both things in writing, easily! Really, what has this world come to? Please NEVER ever take what a CPS worker says for gospel unless you KNOW it to be true. (NOT that you should NOT protect those kids, just take what they say with a grain of salt.) I thought this was stuff that happened in the movies!!!!! NOT in real life
OK so I will go back to court on the 19th. I did find out that CPS is in support of the foster parents and that MAY really jam things up!!!!! The foster parents hired an attorney. I am names adoptive parents by State Adoptions only. So it is good news, but CPS is using that my nephew has been in the home 10 months, and is bonded to them. WELL, even his therapist said, IF he is moved it needs to be a good transition. SO he is moveable. I would never hurt him! IT is CPS and State Adoptions who had the agenda here, they have stalled and waited so LONG and given false testimony and they have caused him harm! I am so mad at them! So the lawyers are in support of us still but they are worried! I can do some things here and so far I am still thinking. Of course, giving up is not an option but I don't want to kill myself over this either and still end up losing.
Someone suggested (not in court) that we repair the relationship between us and the foster parents........well that may sound easy but honestly I don't think it can work. What are we going to do co-parent? They will NOT work with me, they tried to get a restraining order against the bio mom and did not have any proof so they lost. They have shown that they will lie and manipulate the system to get another child.
So I will think some more, I know I have a case against the state. MOSTLY it is easily proven but needs to be put in the right court! We have come so far.................we have won some battles.............it is so close but I have to remember that they KNOW what they are doing, they know the system and how to make it look LIKE they are doing their jobs when they are waiting for things to go their way.
So........... a small battle won.......still the war to fight I am even more convinced that families (foster parents, relatives, parents, etc. ) need to have an EASY to read guide to help them navigate this system. They tell you what they want, if it helps them. (OK not all CPS workers have an agenda.) But some sure do!

A state administrative hearing is on my list. Of course I would do that myself, my attorney hasn't suggested it. I have done a lot of this myself. I plan on getting this information out for the next relatives. Legislation needs to change
Thanks guys for the advice, as always. What a merry-go-round!!!
LOL Trying to keep my sanity and humor

[hkolln]

Gosh your case sounds just like ours was. I know how frustrated you must feel. We also had a therapist send a letter to CPS telling them how disastrous it would be to move our niece here. And yes SW's either lie or don't tell the entire truth (what is the difference?!) or they stall bigtime. I can read a very angry tone in your post (anger or frustration?). Just be careful about that as the child will feel that frustration. Try and open up the FP's if possible..if at least to make the transition positive, even if they don't. It will make you a better person. I know it's very hard...been there, done that, but these folks love him too.

[family friend]

I wish you the best of luck and I hope the child is home with you and the family soon. I do not know how a foster parent can behave this way and for that matter how social services can simply ignore the law. The job of a foster parent is not to test drive a child for a possible adoption but rather to assist with that child's reunification with the family. The foster parents should not be fighting you rather they should be advocating for you and in the process advocating for the child to be with his biological family, the family that has been asking for him since his placement into the system. The foster parents are not entitled to the adoption of this child and given their behavior they shoud be prevented from having any other foster children placed in their care. Again good luck and I hope the child is placed with your family soon.