[jarandsar]

My husband has a much younger sister who is pregnant at 18yrs old. She has asked us to adopt her child because she doesn't feel she can take care of the child and that she wants the child to have the best life possible. This is also a good answer for her so that see can proceed to college and be able to continue her life on the path she planned.

We have lots of questions and fears. We are not able to have children ourselves and this is allowing the family to take a negative situation and turn it into a positive. The child's father does not want anything to do with the child or the mother.

My question is has anyone done this? What can you reccomend? How did you handle the birth mother post giving birth? Did you all go to councling?

[2manyks]

kinship adoption is not easy - to put it lightly. i would consider this VERY carefully. talk to those who have done it, talk to a counselor experienced in relative adoption and weight this out carefully in your minds. i know you would love to have a baby, and this seems like such an easy solution, but this can be much harder then any other adoption. i've done both relative and domestic infant adoption. although they were both tough, the relative adoption is tricky because i am now raising my brothers children. tough emotionally for him (and me). good luck.

[RobinKay]

It's hard, but I say do it if possible so this child will still be in the family.

Do go talk with all the experts you need--a counselor, an adoption attorney.

And have a frank conversation with little sister/birthmother. She needs to be clear she will NOT be co-parenting with you. She will not be the one to discuss the adoption with the child--that is your conversation to have with the child.

Talk about boundaries now to be sure everyone can live with them.

And then love your child, and live happily with your family.

[mommy2fiveplus]

I agree, I have done both relative adoption and foster-adopt and relative was by far the hardest and remains the hardest.

Also she is 18, she could change her mind, and if she regrets placing in a couple years you will see first hand what that can do to bmom's, typically aparents do not have to witness the grief and regret on a day to day basis.

Also boundry setting is soooo difficult later in a relative adoption, extended family and bioparents seem to see the kid as community property.

You will have to get biodad's signature to sign off, he may seem disinterested now but hings can change after the baby is here.

If it works it can be very rewarding but when it doesn't it can be devestating and it can ruin relationships.

Think about this- what if she agrees to place with you and at the last moment after she holds her new baby she can't sign off her rights? How will that effect your relationship? Will she feel guilt at hurting you and be pressured to sign off when she really wants to parent? Will you be able to put aside your grief and loss and support her in her decision, knowing this baby could have been yours?

I am lucky to an extent, my relative adoption occurred because he went into foster care and we decided to adopt him, I did not have to deal with parents making any choices, thier rights were terminated by the state, not voluntarily.

[Lynard1210]

If your sister-in-law asked you to parent, I would consider that to be a first step in the right direction. My husband and I adopted his granddaughter (his daughter was 17 when she got pregnant) and the first couple years were difficult with my husband's mom and the birthmom. We currently have no contact with birthmom as she refuses to speak with us (going on 3 years this fall). The family has adjusted well to this decision and for us, it is similar to raising any other child that we love.

As an adoptee, I still wonder to this day why someone in my birth family didn't offer/want to raise me. This feeling weighed heavily on my decision to adopt my daughter as I didn't want her to feel that she was completely cut-off from her roots and that nobody wanted her.

Is it easy? No. My husband now longer has his daughter in his life so just be aware that fall-out can and does occur, but the rewards outweigh the difficulty in my opinion.