[planning4adoption]

It feels as though nothing could be worse right now. It's been extremely difficult these past couple of days and it's hard, at this point, to see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. There's a constant reminder of this baby in almost every thought I have. We will get through it I know, but the greiving will take time.

We were 7 months into this adoption. The birth parents are my brother & SIL. Some may have read previous threads I've posted. And yes, as everyone advised, things got complicated. My brother and I talked often about his feelings and how he was coping with things and I had asked on so many occassions if he was sure of this decision. He assured me over & over of his certainty. I told him things would only get harder for everyone involved the later it got if he decided to change his mind. He has 3 girls now, all under 3. Two are step-daughters, one is his. My SIL had a 3D sonogram on Monday and we found out it was a boy. We shared our joy with all our friends, finally glad to know the sex of our child-to-be. Then two days later my brother informed me he couldn't do it. He wanted to keep the baby. I was devistated.

This whole thing is heart breaking beyond my wildest imagination. Beyond words. This was supposed to be OUR son & now they are happily planning for and have already named him. I packed up the things in his room today, for now at least. I can't even begin to think where we're going from here..if there will even be a 'next time.' It's hard to imagine putting myself in that vulnerable position again. That's all I can say. It's going to take time, lots of time to move past this point.

[Tazer]

Hi Planning, I can only imagine the things you must be going through now and my heart really goes out to you. Please allow yourself the chance to grieve b/c you have experienced a loss much like a death. That in itself will be a difficult task b/c as a close family member you will no doubt be privy to the life and growth of this child in the future. That may also prove to be a blessing someday b/c you won't have to wonder and worry if he is alright. You can also pamper and spoil him as any Aunt would. I know its not the same, but its better than wondering.
On the other hand, as a B-mom I must say its a wonderful thing when a parent who is/was considering adoption decides that they will be able to parent before a baby is placed instead of later, after the child is gone. No one can predict what they will feel before the baby arrives and I commend your brother for thinking things through so carefully. The first line of your post reads:

"It feels as though nothing could be worse right now. It's been extremely difficult these past couple of days and it's hard, at this point, to see the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak."

IMO, I think this must be exactly what your brother and SIL have been feeling these past few months. The only thing worse IMO than losing a child you hoped to adopt is losing one you gave birth to and realizing too late you didn't have to do so.
You sound like a wonderful person and truly your brother thought so or he wouldn't have considered you. Please don't let this situation deter you from adopting in the future, after you've come to terms with your grief. I will keep you in my thoughts. Tracy

[RobinKay]

I am so sorry to hear of your grief and pain. You will be in my prayers.

[planning4adoption]

Tazer, you're absolutely right--this does feel like grieving the death of a loved one, and I certainly can appreciate that this all unfolded now rather than in the hospital or worse, after we brought him home. The only really big missing piece that you don't have is that this was a planned pregnancy by my brother & SIL for the purpose of allowing my husband & I to be parents. That's what really hurts. This was no mistake or unplanned pregnancy. A few months prior to getting pregnant, they thought she might be. They had called & asked if we would adopt the baby because they could not handle #4 with their unstable relationship. Turned out she wasn't prego that time. They came back to us & said they didn't want any more kids but wanted to do this for us because they wanted us to know the love & joy of being parents. We talked about it all together and a month later they called & said, "you're having a baby!"
That is why I feel so betrayed in this. Completely, utterly betrayed. Our relationship has changed drastically & I don't know at this point if we will have future contact. This has torn our family apart.

[kelceesmom]

This is a very hard part of adoption and I can only imagine even that much harder when it is a relative. Allow yourserlf to grieve for however long you need to. Take extra time for yourself. I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. You will get thru this, keep on communicating to your spouse and family. Don't shut yourself off. Your journey goes the way it goes for a reason. Your time will come. I wish you peace.

[planning4adoption]

Gosh, I really didn't mean for my last reply to come across so harsh toward you Tazer. I hope you didn't take it so. I'm still venting this anger, you know? First I was numb (shocked), then so terribly sad, then angry with them. I'm still working through so much of this. It's only been 3 days since this all happened. Thank you for your kind words of support.

[amyfk]

((((HUG))))Im very sorry to hear of your bad news planning4adoption. I'm sure I would feel the same way. Take the time you need to grieve. I understand there is always a considerable grieving process when a child doesnt come through.
IN the future you may want to work on an international adoption or with a birthmother you previously dont know. Hopefully things will go your way the first time back, but worse comes to worse if it doesnt, it won't sever family ties.
Take care of yourself,
Amy K, NJ

[MamaS]

You have every right to grieve and every right to feel angry. You didn't ask for this! Your brother offered you a gift and then took it back. You must wonder if he would have changed his mind had the baby been a girl. It is hard because family who should be grieving with you are rejoicing over their own luck! Even though you will be able to know that the child is well, and be able to watch him grow, it will be hard because deep inside you will always think he was meant to be yours. Also, you have lost trust and faith in your brother.
You will get through this, and you must believe that there is a child for you somewhere. You just haven't found each other yet.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by planning4adoption

That is why I feel so betrayed in this. Completely, utterly betrayed. Our relationship has changed drastically & I don't know at this point if we will have future contact. This has torn our family apart.

Hi. I remember posting in your first thread on these events.

First, let me say how sorry I am that you are grieving for the loss you had made great plans for.

I know you were concerned about your brother all along (especially if the baby turned out to be a boy). He seems to have been struggling with his wife's decision this whole time. He really was in a no-win situation. He keeps his child and he breaks your heart. He allows you to adopt and his own heart is ripped out.

You also stated that they did not have a stable relationship and I am guessing it is perhaps because they are neither one very stable people which made going into this situation all the more precarious for you and your hubby.

Please do not allow this to tear your family apart. I know you feel betrayed but please try to work things out with your brother. If it was the other way around and you and your husband were doing this for them and your husband was on board but you were having doubts, I would hate to know how you would feel after telling them you had changed your mind. He must be feeling so much relief and guilt all at the same time while possibly dealing with anger from his wife as well since this was kind of "her thing".

I know your relationship will never be the same now and that it has only been a few days since your world came crashing down around you and you are coping with overwhelming sadness and anger.

So my prayer is that with time (and hopefully counseling on both sides), you will be able to forgive and have contact with your brother and sil again. I would hate for this child to grow up and find out that the family fall-out was due to his conception and birth. He is at no-fault but would certainly feel that way. I would rather the story be about how he was loved and wanted by SO many people.

Please don't give up. This particular adoption situation seemed doomed from the beginning, but not all are this way and you CAN help a child needing a home and fill you heart with so much love all at once. You just need time.


Kim

[Tazer]

Originally Posted by planning4adoption

Gosh, I really didn't mean for my last reply to come across so harsh toward you Tazer. I hope you didn't take it so. I'm still venting this anger, you know? First I was numb (shocked), then so terribly sad, then angry with them. I'm still working through so much of this. It's only been 3 days since this all happened. Thank you for your kind words of support.

OMG ((((((((((((((Planning))))))))))))))))), I just read both posts you left this morning and I am shocked! I didn't know this was a planned pregnancy at all. My thoughts and assumptions were along the lines of an unplanned pregnancy and baby that you were being asked to adopt. My heart really really goes out to you with this situation. I have no words, none at all; I just don't know what I'd do in your shoes...(well I do but most of it is illegal.)

I know I'm of no help, I'm speechless, but please keep venting and know that I am praying for you. BTW: Even before I read your last post I didn't feel "attacked" by you at all and after reading your 2nd post I marvel at your restraint. Please know that I'm here for you. Love...Tracy

[planning4adoption]

Thank you.

[karsonsmom]

I am so very sorry for your pain and I know that, even though your brother chose to parent his child, he MUST love you soooo much to have even considered such a thing.

I cannot agree more with the post early that mentioned this precious little boy will grow up knowing KNOWING that his birth/parenting circumstances caused his family to be destroyed unless YOU are able to find peace with this. In my own life, I've only ever been able to truly forgive serious hurts on a level such as this through the grace of God...through prayer and His grace...but that's just me. However you manage to do it, I beg of you to consider opening your heart...when you are able to breathe again...to loving your brother and sil and this precious boy that you already loved and mending your own heart in the process.

I do not mean to imply that I don't understand your hurt. I've been praying that God would give you the Grace to endure this in the event that it turned out this way when I first started following your post. I am very sorry you were hurt. But I KNOW you will be able to heal and to love and to parent another child. God Bless.

[kimmees]

I know exactly how you feel. Yesterday our potential daughter was born and today I was told the birthmom was keeping her. This is our 4th failed adoption attempt. The first was about 5 years ago. It was a private adoption. So, this time we decided to use an agency. In April we paid $11K in agency fees and were match with a birthmom due july 4. 2 wks after we were matched they just disappeared from the agency's apartments and left a note saying they were keeping the baby. We were then matched again with a birthmom in Florida that was due july 11. We flew to FL. went to the hospital. Sat in the nursery with the baby and got to hold her. The next day the agency called and told me that the birthmom was keeping her. We were matched again about 2 wks after the previous failed attempt to a birthmother that had the baby yesterday and again was told she was keeping it. My emotional,mental,physical and marriage are all being effected by this.l I have so much stress that I have to take muscle relaxers now to sleep. My husband and I got into a fight today over if we wanted to continue pursuing this. I have my 3rd sinus infection this year and have driven 12 hours in the past 36 hrs. I feel like my head is going to explode any minute and I can't stop crying. I just don't even know which way to go from here I feel like my entire life is falling apart! I also feel like all of the laws in this country protect the birthparents and don't take into consideration all of the things that an adoptive parent has to go through. I know that they do most of it for the safety of the child but there has got to be a better way to protect everyone involved.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

I sometimes think that birthparents should really be encouraged to not make an adoption plan until after birth. I realize that the baby may have to go to a temporary home, but at least then there is not pressure on the birthparents to relinquish and they have gotten to meet their baby face to face and were still able to make the decision to relinquish. AND the adoptive parents would not be waiting for months afraid to get their hopes up, afraid not to get their hopes up, spending thousands of dollars to an agency, and then being crushed when someone decides to parent their child.

We should be happy when someone decides to parent their child, but it makes it so hard to be happy when for several months you are allowed to feel like the child is yours and you need to prepare. It would be easier if you found out and were able to go, sign papers, and take the child knowing that the birth parent had made the decision at the end of the pregnancy journey.

I hate that anyone has to go through the pain of the adoption process...both sides are being hurt it seems and changes are slow to happen.

Kim