[RobinKay]

Several threads have discussed how difficult it is to set limits on family members who want to give input on raising the adopted child. Recently we rec'd a letter from my MIL-I will not repeat all of that here except to say she was urging us to allow more contact between ds and birthfather, my BIL. I wrote this letter back to her. Dh felt it was too harsh, but I thought I would share it with you folks. Ultimately we did not send the letter but took care of the problem through phone calls to MIL.

We have talked about your recent letter.

We understand your concern for A****. We understand that family support would be helpful to him at this time. We have a relationship with A**** and are aware of the challenges he is facing. It is hard to understand why you feel you need to tell us A**** needs support; the letter seems to indicate you think we don’t care about A**** and are not supporting him.

A**** and T****’s current problems, individually or together, are due to their life choices. If they are unhappy that is not our responsibility, and it is certainly not K***’s responsibility.

Why do you feel you need to intercede between us and A**** regarding K***? Your letter gives the impression that we are not doing what is in K***’s best interests. Your letter also implies that we are "not allowing” K*** to call or write his birthparents.

You letter is focused on A**** and his problems and his needs, and T****. Not once did you acknowledge that the primary concern is what is best for K***. Contact between K*** and A**** is about K***’s needs, not A****’s.

If it is good for K*** to have contact with his birthparents, we will know that and take care of it. No one else, including you, is part of that decision. No one else needs to know what we are doing or not doing about contact with A**** and/or T****.

You made the statement “I really feel you have nothing to fear about K from A”. You do not live with this child; you do not know what K*** needs or how K*** feels now about what he has gone through. You do not need to know the details; it is private information about our son.

You made the statement “If you feel it is not possible, I won’t get “mad”, no hard feelings, & I will understand.” It is our choice and our responsibility to share information about our son, and it is our choice how we support A**** with his efforts to change his life. It is no one’s business but ours, and we do not care what anyone else thinks about our decisions.

You are K***'s grandmother. This relationship will be respected, honored, and supported. Respect and consideration flows both ways. We will send pictures to you, but we ask that our contact with you be respected. Do not copy any pictures or pass on any information about K*** to anyone.

Relative adoptions are difficult in many ways and we need everyone to understand their place in K***’s life. We are K***’s parents and we are committed to providing a home and upbringing that is best for him.

We will work out our own relationships with A**** and/or T****

[mommy2fiveplus]

I don't think the letter is too harsh, but I think I usually take a simpler approach to letters, like two or three sentences. I try not to validate my stance because then I feel defensive, however I have a harder time standing up verbally to my extended family. A lot of times I just blow off what they say, stew about it in private and go about doing whatever I please.

Our family knows that we are not allowing our bson's bparents to have any contact with him (maybe bfather in the distant future but never bmom) so they try to exert control in other ways by influencing our parenting of him. I think guilt plays a big part in some of the situations we encounter because two of his uncles (my cousins and bdads brothers) are a bit older and were in a better situation financially when he went into care, yet they did not step forward and I did ( I was his 2nd cousin, not an aunt).

I know they want me to be open to contact with his biodad, however, he does not even recognize him as a family member and while he knows that he is adopted he really doesn't grasp all the details and is just getting comfortable with the idea of adoption since we completed our second adoption (healing process for him). Because his bdad did not physically harm him, I may allow contact when ason is older IF bdad can get his act together (he is working on it) AND if I think ason's confidence and self-image are ever strong enough to handle it.

I think you are right to tell your MIL to back off, you live with ason every day and know what he can handle emotionally, not her. And I totally agree that any relationship should be for your ason's benefit NOT for his bdad. Bdad is the adult, ason is the child. We protect our children, no matter what way they come to us, Bdad can or at least should be taking care of himself! And if he were any type of father he should be putting ason's needs above his own and if he isn't then he isn't ready to hav econtact with ason.

[RobinKay]

Seems we see eye to eye on this one-- thanks for the feedback, and stay strong at these family get togethers!

[spicedmama]

Was MIL understanding of your position? I am not looking forward to the family dynamics with my little ones Mother. I do pray that it will work itself out for the benefit of all though.

Blessings!

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by spicedmama

Was MIL understanding of your position? I am not looking forward to the family dynamics with my little ones Mother. I do pray that it will work itself out for the benefit of all though.

Blessings!

No, MIL will not change. I have known her now for over 35 years--she is a busybody and addicted to drama. If there isn't drama, she will create it. She always stops right at the point before my husband will have to tell her to stop. My dh is the only person on the planet she respects.

I have just had to learn to live with it--I get hurt and upset periodically, but my dh helps me through it, and appreciates that I love him enough to let the things his mother does "go".

We are both in agreement when it comes to ds--and living in Hawaii with family in Florida--it helps so much. There is no possibility of unannounced visits, no arguements about where to spend holidays, etc. Dh travels a lot and knows I am the primary caregiver--he appreciates that I do the day to day care and listen to ds and his thoughts and memories.

I love my husband so much--he really is worth it. And our life is so much richer for having our ds now. I weep for the loss of his birth family, but I know I have gained from that awful situation--I have another son. I am grateful every day God thought I was worthy enough to raise this child.

[dancewithme]

Hey, such is life, where people, especially MIL's know best Your response was absolutely fine, well put and respectful. The only thing people need to understand is that you are adults and you know how to handle your business. And if you need assistance you will be best served by discussing it with someone who has been, or is, in a like situation! Your main focus right now should be on helping your child adjust, focusing on him or her. And you can tell people that hey, I hear you but right now I need all my energy to go toward helping my new son/daughter adjust. They are adults, but h/she, needs me.
Take Care

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by dancewithme

Hey, such is life, where people, especially MIL's know best Your response was absolutely fine, well put and respectful. The only thing people need to understand is that you are adults and you know how to handle your business. And if you need assistance you will be best served by discussing it with someone who has been, or is, in a like situation! Your main focus right now should be on helping your child adjust, focusing on him or her. And you can tell people that hey, I hear you but right now I need all my energy to go toward helping my new son/daughter adjust. They are adults, but h/she, needs me.
Take Care

Thank you so much for this response--it means a great deal to hear from "an adopted person" .

My husband handled it through phone calls, and he said he feels she was mostly talking to him. Dh and my BIL have been "distant" for years due to my BIL life choices. Even now, I do all the contacting. I cannot remember the last time my dh called his brother or wrote him.

MIL is in her eighties, and not likely to change. She has a pattern of writing these long, involved, often hurtful letters to "vent" her thoughts and emotions and she is always surprised when the recipients are not happy with her. She also likes to be at the center of attention, and be the person who knows everything about everyone in the family. It's just who she is, and we don't expect change at this point.

Keeping lil guy our priority is what we will continue to do, and stay in appropriate contact with family as we can. The Pacific Ocean is a pretty substantial barrier, as is the whole continental US! We don't get drop in visits, and few unexpected phone calls due to time differences.

thanks again-

[hkolln]

I have to say I'm pretty good at setting limits myself with my SIL.

My hubby on the other hand is a softie and would allow phone calls if she did call. In fact, on our daughter bday biomom called while we were on vacation. She left a message (meanie me didn't answer the cell call cause I knew who it was!) asking if she could say "Happy Birthday" to our daughter. I didn't return her call! We have setup where she can call her twice a year...Christmas and July 4th and that's it! I think if I allowed more she'd take it and run with it so I'm being firm. Maybe later on I'll allow more but right now I like it the way it is working out...our daughter feels safe here with us and is thriving and I don't wish to mess that up!

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by hkolln

I have to say I'm pretty good at setting limits myself with my SIL.

My hubby on the other hand is a softie and would allow phone calls if she did call. In fact, on our daughter bday biomom called while we were on vacation. She left a message (meanie me didn't answer the cell call cause I knew who it was!) asking if she could say "Happy Birthday" to our daughter. I didn't return her call! We have setup where she can call her twice a year...Christmas and July 4th and that's it! I think if I allowed more she'd take it and run with it so I'm being firm. Maybe later on I'll allow more but right now I like it the way it is working out...our daughter feels safe here with us and is thriving and I don't wish to mess that up!

You are doing the right thing-we don't call bparents now anymore, when ds is around. I called today to let her know I mailed school pictures--left a brief message.

At his age, he just doesn't like to talk on the phone very much, except to a few people. He gets very impatient when he can't understand people and just hands the phone to me.

Our ds is also thriving and I want that to continue just like you do for your daughter.